Fast Lane

I knew deep down in inside that I shouldn't have committed myself to writing my thankfuls every day on the blog. I can never get to the blog daily. Life is just so crazy and the last couple of weeks were no different. Which is probably why I am feeling blah today. Usually when I am super exhausted is when I notice the not so "ideals" of my life. For the most part I am super happy with life but then there comes a day when it all comes crashing down on me and today was my day. Plain and simple today I was feeling lonely. It's that loneliness that no friend can fill. I know some day that will all be in the past and someone will be here. I have been reassured multiple times and I have been told that it will all happen in God's timing and I get it, I really do. And yes, I even believe it. I know it will happen but on days I am so tired of all I do in life I see couples helping each other through the hard times and buoying each other up and I realize how hard it is at times and then its in those moments I feel lonely. Lonely and an ache that I am super good at suppressing comes to the surface and I have learned I just have to let the emotions roll with the tide that day. It does no good in masking them and usually its quiet moments of tears. Today was tears at church, then it was tears walking home from church both times I was there today, and then it was tears while I cooked myself dinner. But just as the emotions come they quickly go as well which I am ever so grateful for. I don't like when people dwell on their woes and I try really hard not to. It's like the tears swept the emotions away and now I am ready to let sleep take me away so I can be refreshed tomorrow with a bright outlook on life once again. Because honestly I have so much to be thankful for which is what I plan to sum up briefly since I have been slacking. I did the things on the list I was given but didn't record them. Here is my thankfulness from the last two weeks:

DAY 11: I was encouraged to send thank you notes to 5 people who deserve a little recognition. Well, this was done on a different day and it wasn't done in notes form but I am truly grateful for the presidency I get to work with at church. They really go out of their way to shine at their callings and for the young women we oversee. I have told them a few times this month how much I appreciate them individually and I hope they really know I mean it. I have also told some co-workers how grateful I am for them. They have been my right-hand through some recent projects along with our interns. I don't survive without them. :)

DAY 12: Enjoy the people around you! I watched my neighbor get our meals ready for the day. I know at times she feels stressed but she always sees that our needs are met. I watched each class member that night give their presentation and as I watched each of them I was able to compare from previous presentations. I saw some improvements in some from the other time and I was so proud of them. I saw others shine just as well that night as they did before. I saw how each of them have a true desire to help others and in that moment I felt so lucky to know each of them. I appreciated the comfort and cheers and reassurance I received as I presented as well.

DAY 13: Focus on one sense! Today I focused on what I could see. Today I was grateful for my sight. Through that I was able to see the young woman try their best to show their talents. I was able to see the young women leaders bear testimony of their love for them. I was able to see the leaders put together an evening that demonstrated their love by the way they decorated the room and displayed the desserts. They really wanted the night to be special. I was also grateful I could see the boys in my class as they struggle through life and cling to smoking as their only hope of survival. I was grateful to see a couple of them think a little more about the choices they are making.

DAY 14: See the world through the eyes of a child. Today was a long day as I prepped for next weeks event and I had tobacco checks in Provo that took a long time. But as I thought how a child would I was grateful for everything. I was grateful for people who actually RSVP. I didn't realize how important it was until I was crunching numbers. I was thankful for a boss who took a moment to listen to my concern and help me crunch numbers as well. I was grateful for an intern who was willing to keep up with the million assignments we both had to do before next week. I was grateful for a teenager who was willing to work and an officer who was willing to take on a big city alone even though it made our checks longer. I was grateful for small talk during the long ride that made it not so long. I was grateful that even though I wanted to sleep that I was given strength to keep going to accomplish all that I needed to. I was grateful for a friend who let me come over and helped me with my project for next week and that I was able to literally see the world through her children's eyes. They were so excited I was there and loved seeing themselves in my video camera and laughing. It really is the little things in life. I was grateful for conversation. I know I talk a lot but not always is it having just a conversation about life and in the important it was just what I needed.

DAY 15: Make an effort to live life with a positive outlook. This is something I try to do regularly but today I tried even harder. I appreciated people even more for helping me with my project I was working on. I willingly took food to a person in need for my neighbor who didn't have time. I appreciated the moment to meet someone new and to talk with them briefly.

DAY 16: Pick 3 friends you see regularly and view their actions. Today was a perfect day for this challenge because I got to see my co-workers outside of work because one of our other co-workers was baptized into the religion majority of us attend. As I watched them I was grateful for each one of them in my life because even if some of them don't practice this particular religion they are all good good people with good hearts. They teach me to look for the positives in life and to keep my chin up. They try to help others around the office, offer support within and outside of work. I am blessed to know great people.

DAY 17: The challenge has changed may perspective thus far because it has reminded to go back to the basics of my happiness challenge this past year. Be grateful for the small and simple things in life. It has taught me I need to remember that little things are what bring joy. It has reminded me to follow the positive examples of others and that will help me be a better person.

DAY 18: Appreciate yourself. This is always hard but today I appreciated myself for wanting to try new projects and to learn how to make new things. I appreciated myself for following the example of my parents in being a hard worker. I appreciated myself for wanting to be an active listener and wanting to help others.

DAY 19: Stand in the mirror and focus on five things that you love about yourself. SO HARD. But I did it. In the end I realized that I like my blue eyes, I like my smile, I like that I have been teaching myself to laugh more, I like that my hair holds a curl, and I like that God gives me strength to get up every morning to start the day with a fresh start.

DAY 20: Today I feel grateful for others who believe in me and tell me so. I tend to doubt myself A LOT. But there are others who see things in me that I struggle to see in myself. I am grateful for those who believed in my movie project and pushed me to keep working on it. I am grateful for those who saw it actually liked what I did and supported it. I am grateful for the confidence I was given last night when I was so nervous. My new friends as I call them encouraged me all the way to the door and were waiting for me with the same encouragement when I left my terrifying interview. I know I need to have the same confidence in myself that others see in me.

DAY 21: What makes me lovable??? Seriously focusing on myself this week while trying to accomplish huge assignments has been interesting. I think I am lovable because I truly care about people and when others lash their anger out at me I take it personal. That happened to me this morning and I tried to not let it affect my whole day. I have an interest in others lives and I want to hear their stories. I am open to their ideas and willing to teach them. I had 8 teenagers at my house last night to learn how to make muffins. Even though they were loud and crazy there were some who really wanted to learn and it was great. I appreciate myself for not giving up and not giving up on others who I know have a potential for greatness.

DAY 22: Have confidence in all the choices you have made today. Actually today I just want to sleep. But as I cleaned up from last nights event I had to have confidence that I did the best I could last night and that I tried my best. I had confidence that the projects I was working on today will sell next weekend and I can be a little more financially prepared for future items I will need to buy such as computer etc etc. I have confidence that the emails I sent out today with my job will result in positives returns that will only help my youth grow into the confident people they have the potential of becoming.

DAY 23: Thank you note to myself. I am thankful that I took this challenge and I am thankful I took a moment to look more closely at myself even though it was painful at times. I am thankful I have been given moments to realize the importance in having confidence in myself  and to always look for the positives in life. I am thankful that I have amazing examples in my life to learn from and to pattern my life after as I attempt to be a better person daily.

DAY 24: Reflect on what the challenge has done for you. Well, it has made me realize that life really isn't that bad and even though I had a hard moment today it doesn't mean that every day is like today. The challenge has helped me to appreciate others more and to realize they are trying just as hard. It has helped me see the importance of giving confidence to others and to once again appreciate the little things. It has helped me see how things such as my bed or tuna fish sandwiches can help me be grateful for so much. It has helped me to see that as I focus on my gratitude list that my sadness will eventually go away again and that like I learned in church today I can be grateful for the sad moments, the hard moments, because through them I can come to appreciate the good moments even more and look forward to happy moments that will replace the sad moments we experience in life :)