What?? you might be saying! But let me explain so I don't sound so morbid. Some things have been brought to my attention this week just how precious life really is. We never know for sure when our time on this Earth is over. When our time is up, are we going to be sad? Are we going to wish we had done something more? Or are we going to be satisfied in knowing that we fought the good fight and that we did all we wanted or we're supposed to do? Are we going to know we took all those chances and opportunities in front of us? Or are we going to think I should have done this or I should have done that but I was too scared to do it or act upon that impression?
Many times I think we let fear stop us from truly living. Do we not go for a certain relationship because we don't think we are good enough for the other person? Do we think because of our past we could never be with a certain person? I often wonder if we just assume that is how it will be instead of truly seeking it out. I often wonder how many missed opportunities there are because of our assumptions and fears. None of us are perfect and if we are completely honest we all have a past. But we are not put on this Earth to judge others because of their past. I truly believe we are on this Earth to meet people and to accept their past, acknowledge their present and see them for their potential. I do not want to end this life knowing I didn't go for something that could have been good because I let fear dictate my thoughts in thinking I'll never be good enough or worthy enough for the other person. I keep thinking back to my conversation I had with my Grandpa McKee over Christmas and he said even when something is right it will still be scary but move forward with it because if you don't you will never know the amazing blessings that will come from it.
Do we miss out on chances to explore other opportunities because of fear or because of complacency? Do we get comfortable and because of the fear of the unknown we don't take those steps into the darkness? Do we forget to allow faith and trust to dictate our steps to something that could be wonderful and just what we need?
I don't know when my time is up, but I do want to feel satisfied with my choices when that time does come. I want to know I let faith not fear dictate my decisions. I think I often let fear over take me and hinder my progression. I want to take the opportunities more in my life. I don't want other's to view me in a way that they feel we can't have a relationship because they are not good enough for me. I want to live my life in a way that no matter how different I might be from others that they know I accept them for where they are right now but also see them for their potential.
I was down for a few days recovering from a massive migraine so it gave me a lot of time to think about this. I don't know why some of us are called home sooner than others but the past few days I've been able to see how God has directed my life in certain ways. I have been able to see that certain things had to take place so other things could happen. I have been able to see God directed certain events to take place or not to take place because there were certain people I was supposed to meet or certain things I was supposed to do. I listened to a recording yesterday from a talk a man in my church gave. If you would like to listen to it yourself it is the devotional Pres. Uchtdorf gave a few weeks ago to young single adults in a worldwide devotional. He said you can't look forward to connect the dots how God has guided you. You have to look backwards and as you do you can see his hand in your life. You look forward to apply your faith and trust in knowing no matter what lays ahead we can know God is guiding us. As easy as that seems, it is still hard to always remember that because the uncertainty seems so scary. Why is that?
I remember 10 and 1/2 years ago to a time when my mother was extremely sick and we didn't know for sure what the outcome would be. I remember going to her house every night after work to keep her company and to try to get her to eat. I remember at one point she wondered if this was it and she asked me to call her best friend/ sister and the missionary who has become a brother to her to start the conversation with them how sick she was because she wasn't sure if emotionally she could tell them we didn't know what was going to happen. Once I started the conversation she was able to continue to talk to them on the phone. I remember being with her in the E.R. one night with her oxygen levels so low the tips of her extremities ( hands, ears, nose) turning black and the look of panic on her face. I remember shortly after she was so out of it the Dr. had me hold her hand and I literally had to tell her to keep breathing. I remember leaving her one night and going back to my duplex I was renting at the time and asking God if he was taking my mom away from me? I remember sobbing as I told him I wasn't ready to let her go. I remember telling him if it be his desire to prepare my heart for it. My mom endured a 6 hr surgery and lived and is still here with us. Why was my mom able to still be here with us? Why are others not granted that opportunity? I do not know and ponder this quite a bit but I do know that I need to have trust that God does know and his hand is in all things in our lives.
Even though I have a lot of uncertainties with life and certain fears, I have come to realize more fully in my life the last couple of days the importance of taking those chances, confronting the fears that potentially hold me back from progressing or exploring different options in my life and to strive to seek God's hand in my life. He is in all of our lives and has a plan for each of us even if we don't always understand it. If not now, one day we will understand and more fully connect the dots of our paths. We just need to have the faith and take that step into the dark and know each chance is worth it no matter how scared we might be.
