The Good Ones Are Taken…….

WAY TO SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

And, honestly it is SO unfair!

I found out this week my cousin’s husband passed away. Now to clarify before anyone who reads this freaks out, by blood she is not my cousin but my whole life she has been considered my cousin and I see it no other way. I spent many days up the mountain at her house and I love her and her family as if they are truly blood related.

My cousin was married 6 years ago I believe and has a little boy. Shortly after their son was born her husband found out he had leukemia. He beat cancer 3 times in the past 4 years and was recently diagnosed a fourth time.

I did not know him very well but I would follow their blog posts and facebook updates as they went on this journey. He always impressed me with his faith, courage and unwavering determination even through the hardest of times. Often times I was buoyed up by their posts and my testimony of faith and endurance was strengthened. There have been numerous posts since his passing of people commenting just as I am. He truly seemed like a remarkable man.

Right before she got married I ran into her at an LDS temple I was volunteering in and we chatted for a time and I then offered to give her a ride home. She was meeting up with him later that evening to head to Idaho. Although my meeting with him was brief, less than 5 minutes I knew at that moment she had found a special man. My thoughts were confirmed at their wedding reception. They seemed like the perfect match for each other.

But now he’s gone! WHY???? Why was he chosen to bear that burden? Why was she chosen to be his partner through that time? Why does their son not get the chance to be raised by both parents? So many WHY questions and not very many answers.

As I have thought about this since finding out the news on Wednesday I think of all the people I know who have been taken too early from this life. My parents have had many friends pass away in the last few years and my parents are not that old. They are still considered young with many years to live. So why were their friends taken? Why are babies born to shortly leave this world? Why is a 31 year old man gone?

All of these people I am thinking of who are gone to soon have the same characteristics as her husband. Strong, faithful, determined individuals. Unwavering in their faith and a desire to always do good. Always an example to the rest of us.

I don’t have the answers nor think my thoughts are the perfect answers but as I have pondered each of these deaths I have a strong confirmation that God truly has a bigger plan than we realize. I honestly believe he is preparing something huge and he needs these faithful servants on the other side to help him with the preparation. He knew of their hearts and intentions and unwavering faith and knew that is what he needed to help him. Even though I feel they were taken WAY too early, I believe even though it is hard to accept, God took them at the exact time they were suppose to go. In his mind they left this earth when they were supposed to, to help him in his preparations. I believe God operates on a perfect timetable and through a perfect plan. I know one day I will look back on these experiences and it will make perfect sense.

Does this ease the pain or make the pain go away? I don’t think so. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain, the sorrow, the heartache she and others go through. I can’t even fathom the appropriate words to say during times like this. I just know that God knows and he will provide the comfort needed. But I honestly feel for me, I need to take these examples and strive to live my life like theirs. All of these people who have passed on taught us through their example of how to live, how to endure, how to show unwavering faith and have reminded us we can do hard things and press forward in steadfastness so that we can live worthy to see them again someday.

Some of these people I didn’t know personally just like him but I have learned so much from these individuals and even though they are gone to early they are certainly not forgotten and I thank them for their examples.  Thank you for teaching me important life lessons and reminding me the importance of setting an example because there may be someone I don’t know very well who might be looking to my example of how I endure, how I demonstrate courage, and how I show unwavering faith. 

Magic 8 Ball

Hey you!

Yay you!

        The ten year old little girl with the magic 8 ball!

                        Did you get the answers you were looking for?

Oh how we thought that little ball had the answers to the deepest questions of our hearts at the time!

        Does Peter like me? Does he even know who I am?

        Am I going to get an A on my math test?

Some of those questions looking back were the silliest questions of all time. But what if, seriously what if that little ball was more like a glass ball that foretold the future.

What if you shook that little ball and it revealed……

Your teenage years would be the hardest years of your life. That you would hide out in the library in junior high to free yourself from ridicule of others. That none of the girls in your grade in your neighborhood wanted you to be their friend, didn’t want you to share the tent with them at camp because you were not “cool”, made fun of you for being a “good girl”.

That you would get a college degree and actually go on to get a masters degree as well?

That you would serve a mission for your church and it would be one of the most trying times of your life and you would question your ability to succeed? But with determination and faith you will finish honorably and that it will become a defining moment in your life that will shape your life.

That you will meet the guy of your dreams, that cowboy with a truck, a farmhouse and even horses! The guy you dreamed about for years. And everyone around you will say he’s the type you have always wanted. The guy you will go on drives with through the mountains and he will let you drive his new big truck to distract yourself from worrying about your mom in hospital having surgery. The guy who will bake you the biggest cake from scratch that you would ever receive for your birthday. The guy who simply adored you.

That you will break this guys heart when you realize it is not right and you have this pit in your stomach telling you, you still have so much to learn and to do and it is not meant to be and you must walk away and move forward and so you do. And when you have a fight and he tells you, you never appreciated him the way he deserved and you secretly know it is true and he moves on and finds his true happiness and as you move to Utah your heart breaks as well seeing his broken heart but you stuff it all away and move on.

That years later when you and your mom will randomly bring him up one day you both will simultaneously admit the one thing you always admired about him is that he is the only one in your life that has loved you for you. He had no hidden agenda, he didn’t want to be around you until something better came along in his life, that he was real, genuine, and only wanted the best for you. And that is one thing you will always appreciate about him.

That one day you will fall completely in love with someone and give four years of your life to this person who will eventually fill you with false hopes and dreams to walk away without any explanation. That you will cry for weeks and it will take you a long time to get over this and build up your self esteem and self worth again. That one day the apology you will get is, “I’m sorry I hurt your family the way I did.”

That you will have the craziest career path known to someone in their twenties and thirties and see and hear things you wouldn’t wish on anyone else your age and it begins to give you a jaded perspective of life but that, that career path will lead you to a path that you will come to love which ironically is being back in Junior High. Ya, Junior High the place you desperately wanted to get away from. And that you will develop this sincere and deep desire to help these teenagers to overcome the trials of teenage years and become successful adults in this crazy world. That you will feel you a deeper understanding of what it means to combine career and passion and love the opportunity you are having to experience this.

That you will one day open your heart again after overcoming your broken heart to hear the words, “Where do you see yourself in my and my boys lives” and feeling ecstatic to hearing two days later, “Just kidding I went back to my girlfriend I had broken up with. I know she doesn’t love my boys and questions her love for me but I moved her to Utah so I need to continue with it. It is my obligation.”

That one day your brother will challenge you to run a marathon even though you have only been running for a few years and not very fast. That you will spend a year working full time, going to school working on your Masters, and attempting to train for the Marathon. And even though you are not getting “fast” everyone else around you who you have inspired are getting faster and with each of their accomplishments and congrats you give them you begin to feel worse about yourself. That one day the Marathon will arrive and you start out with leg, feet, and hip pain and then because mother nature is funny you will also have to deal with your time of the month starting early and you barely make it to each porta potty for the first 9 miles silently screaming inside because of cramps and lower back pains. That your brother will leave you at mile 13 and that you will continue on. That you will go across that finish line not as the fastest person but determined to accomplish the task you sat out to complete and the joy you will experience as you are surrounded by your friends and family.

That one day you will decide at age 34 you really want to start meeting people and getting out more so you will challenge yourself to do on line dating again and going to parties and activities. That through this nine month process instead of moving forward it affects your self esteem and self worth and self confidence as you experience rejection after rejection and ignored continuously that it will then take most of the summer and the fall of your 35^th year to actually begin liking yourself again and seeing yourself positively in the mirror instead of cringing at your every fault. And it will take a lot of mental self talk to say it’s okay if they don’t find you funny, skinny enough, athletic enough, not impressed you have a career and bettering yourself with going back to school, that they actually don’t like you have stayed strong to your religious beliefs and that you desire what your religion teaches you, that they don’t view you as a priority and cancel your date they agreed to go on with you because they made other plans at the exact same time they agreed to go on with you but made it a point to attend other events mutual friends planned.

That you will meet people who will think it is funny to make fun of the fact you have big breast and comment about it in front of other people and other people who will make fun of your big butt to the point you continuously struggle with self image because of those two things and every day you now become self conscious of them whereas before they didn’t bother you as much because they were not readily pointed out to you.

That one day you will come to love the title AUNT and look forward to seeing those kids any chance you get because they melt your heart and make everything seem alright again.

That you will have a health scare at age 16 have it taken care of at age 18 and have it return at age 34 and you will have to spend the next two years having following up appointments because the doctor doesn’t feel like surgery is the answer this time like it was at age 18.

That you will realize you are 35 and will come to the realization that rocking the single life might be the path you are going to travel on for longer than you ever expected and will have to come to be okay with that realization and continue to move forward with happiness and light in your life. That you will realize if you let yourself dwell on that realization it will bring you to a despair you don’t want to be in. That every day as you come to accept this feeling you keep receiving that you begin to see SO many blessings in your life and even though you don’t like this feeling you in turn have a deeper trust and faith in things not yet revealed to you but know you are still cared and loved and one day you will look back with a greater understanding for having to walk this path.

So what if? What if you saw all of these things in your life plus many more? Would you continue to move forward?

There are times when I wish I would have known some things because I think I would have reacted differently. I wouldn’t have waited to accomplish some things; I would have had more confidence in me and my abilities and been okay with moving forward and not “waiting” to have experiences.

But for the most part, I am thankful that magic 8 ball didn’t turn into a magic ball that revealed my life to me. I am thankful for every good and hard and sad and heart breaking experience I have had. It is through those experiences that I have come to be who I am and I am striving to become. Each of these experiences have built upon on each other and taught me more than I could have ever imagined.

So little 10 year old girl with the magic 8 ball shake it all you want and ask those silly questions and move forward with the blind faith you were given because each step into the dark unknown reveals a growth, a stronger conviction to brighter days and days of sunshine and smiles and a thankfulness in your heart for each situation you have pulled yourself through. You will have greater appreciation and respect and love for your life and the person you are and becoming from each unknown.

P.S. in case the magic 8 ball didn’t tell you: Peter didn’t like you or really know who you are and your brothers will tease you about him for years so accept your silly little crush and endure the teasing with a smile. J