Just Gotta Love.........

MONDAYS!!!!!!!

 

I know I know this is so weird right? Who in their right mind LOVES Mondays????? There was a period in my life where I looked forward to Mondays. There was always something waiting for me in my inbox that would bring a smile to my face and leave me laughing. Well, that doesn't happen anymore and for the most part I was totally on the bandwagon with the rest of you in dreading Mondays.

 

Then a few months ago something bizarre totally changed! Those of you who are following the project know I am going thru a lot of changes with thought processes and how I view things etc etc. Well, you would think that Sunday would be the BEST day because it aligns perfectly with my project. But ironically Sundays have become some of my WORSE days with the project!

 

Yesterday proved no different either. I woke up earlier then expected and I read scriptures and I just thought for sure this day was going to be different. But by the time the day ended I had a very annoying and frustrating conversation, I am 98% sure I was lied to point blank in the face, my head was just pounding out of control, and by the time I was in bed I had become the grumpiest pants out there!!!!! But the day wasn't totally bad. I had some positive points. The talks in church were just what I needed and I got to rock a little baby to sleep and have her cuddle in my arms. I was only suppose to have her for 5 mins and there was a miscommunication and I ended up with her the whole hour. I'm sure her mom was wondering what was going on with her little baby lol but I loved rocking her. There is this special feeling having a baby snuggle up to you and fall asleep. I'm sure the feeling is ten times greater for you moms out there. Hopefully some day I will feel it on your level!

 

So now I look forward Mondays because it seems to be my day that I start fresh! Start new! It is like I get the strength to do what I do all over again! It is like the slate is wiped away and I can start again.

 

Why not Sundays for me? I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. Maybe its the constant headache lately, maybe its the lack of nutrition I haven't been consuming lately, maybe some of my recent conversations with people haven't been the best. It just seems to be Sunday is my let down and let it all out day! Like Sunday is my emotional release day if that makes sense!!!

 

I hope to bring more positives back into Sunday because it definitely still has its positives it just needs more, but until then I'm going to have to jump off the bandwagon of Monday dreaders and embrace this day for all its worth. So until further notice in time I just gotta say

Monday, I freakin love you!!!! :) 

Do Over's

I remember coming home from my mission and mentioning multiple times how much I wanted to have a "do over". When I left on my mission I had the vision that I was going to go out and preach the gospel to everyone I came across. :) While I did have that opportunity to preach the gospel to a few people it wasn't my entire mission. I had a lot of mission companions who were suffering various degrees of illnesses. I spent a lot of time helping them thru various situations.

When I came home I always wondered if the Lord was pleased with my work as a missionary. I struggled with finding peace over it for a long time. I would tell my mom that I wish I could go back and re-do my mission with the knowledge I have now and change the outcome. One day she sat me down and told me that I need to quit living in the past and wishing I could have "do-overs". She said that we can't go back and change how things happen because each situation happens for a reason and we were suppose to learn something from that situation.

I learned a lot from those words that day. Over time I realized that even tho we can't have do-over's in life we do get "second chances" A chance to have a better result at something and to change the outcome of some situations. I learned that lesson a few years ago when I became a Relief Society President to a young single adult ward. I was over 110 young sisters. I prayed to know if the calling was one I should accept and I got the strongest impression that it was my chance to serve a second mission. After that confirmation, I viewed the calling in a whole different realm and I don't think I have ever appreciated a calling like that before. When I was released almost 2 years later, I got the confirmation that the Lord was pleased with both of my missions.

So I guess what I am getting at with this is simply:

If we don't like how our life is going we can't sit and wish that we could do it over and make different decisions. We made the decisions we did for certain reasons and possibly at the moment it was the best option out there. BUT if we are unhappy with the results of those decisions don't sit there and regret them and wish you could have done something completely different. Instead evaluate the decisions you have made, pull the good from them, and start today to make a brand new ending. Take those second chances we are given daily to change your view and better your current circumstances.

 

Some times I miss the way life use to be and wonder if I have made the right choices or if I let my pride or my insecurities dictate how my life has been thus far. But I know in order to get the results I want in life I need to take the second chance I get each day, change my outlook, change my attitude and go forward with faith that I can change the ending.

 

If you are unhappy, do something to change that unhappiness! What is making you unhappy? Are you regretting a choice you made? Are you doubting if you made the right choice? Are you wondering if you did something else or had kept doing something that you would be happier? Life is funny with the paths it takes us down but whatever choice you made that has led you down the path you currently are on you also have a choice to change what is making you unhappy.

Everything in life has a reason. We are free to make choices in life that is how we progress or digress depending on what we choose. Don't live in regret! Don't live in sadness! Don't live wishing you could take back something you put away! You can bring that back in your life if it was a good thing as long as you bring what life lessons you have learned as well. You can't block out what you have learned from current experiences.

 

Each experience we have shapes us into the people we are now. Each experience helps us grow and helps us to be stronger and hopefully in the end better people. The world is full of opportunities for us to take advantage of. I think a content person at times is a complacent person if the content person doesn't have the desire to move forward. You can be a content person if you are content with the choices you have made, accepted the hard moments, and have the desire to keep progressing from them. Be thankful for the experiences life has given you. It has given you the opportunity to seek out what you truly desire from it. It has given you the chance to think how you can become a better person.

Everything in life has a purpose. I think my favorite line from the above quote is "sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together"

God has given you a second chance! What are you going to do with it? Are you going to move forward or are you going to keep thinking of the past and how things once were? Are you going to stay in the state of mind you currently are in? Or are you going to take this opportunity and change your ending? You are writing the story of your life! You can have a tragic ending. You can have a sad ending. You can have a regretful ending. You can even have a happily ever after ending.

Bottom line: Choice is yours! You have been given an amazing opportunity to change your endings outcome! Take advantage of it! Reach for your desires! Don't let pride and or insecurities hold you back! Don't let unhappiness be your controlling factor to your future!

Your future is as bright as your faith!

Take your daily second chances and be a better person then you were the day before!

Look at your past with gratitude then look forward with faith to your future!

Know all things happen for a reason!

Revel in the positive moments and never forget you have the power within yourself to change your unhappiness, your change what is frustrating you, and to change the ending to your book of life!









Valentines Lovin!!!!!

Aw Valentines Day! The day set aside for roses, and diamonds, chocolates, and my favorite Brach candy hearts. You have to get the Brach brand if you are going to indulge in a sugar high! Just Sayin!

 

The day to bring to light so many different situations.

 

1. The one crazy in love shouting it from the roof tops!



2. The one who is in a committed relationship but not feeling the love they desire or want from their partner. Maybe the one they love doesn't love them the same and they are going around in an endless circle!

3. The one who emphasizes "Singles Awareness Day" everywhere they go!

So here are my thoughts on the day! If you are in love and want to shout it to the roof tops and beyond then I say GO FOR IT!!!! Express your love if that is your desire! You have earned it! :)

If you are single I personally don't like the expression Singles Awareness Day. I think it attracts negative energy towards you and makes you not look happy. Who wants that? Just Sayin!! So you haven't found love yet! It's okay! Don't allow one day to emphasize it, control it, and bring it to light! I say go about the day being happy for those who have figured it out! Pray for those who are struggling in that committed relationship! Pray for them that they will find the true happiness and love that they desire! Pray for them to make the changes they need to, to find that happiness and love they want! Be there for those who are happy and be there for those struggling!

This is a day that is suppose to be a happy day! So if you can't on any other day then take this day to be a light to the world not a hindrance! Be that pillar others can rely on if needed! Express your love and happiness to those who are in your life! I have so many amazing people in my life! Each one impacts my life greatly! Life may not be perfect but you are never alone! Even if you feel it some days, you are not! Period.

Eat chocolate like everyone else! Get your sugar high on! And if you can't love anyone else then take this day to love yourself and all that you have accomplished!

I love to see others so HAPPY for one day out of the year when most of the time the world is filled with sadness and negativeness. Today I will be happy for those of you who are truly happy with someone and share in your happiness. Today I will pray extra hard for those who are struggling in the love they are supposedly in and pray they will find their happiness! And today I will get my sugar high on and laugh and laugh and laugh some more. Then I will smile because I am alive and I am able to recognize all the love out in the world!

Keep Smiling!

Keep Laughing!

And keep the conversational candy hearts comin!











Just Being Real!

I love my family and all that I have been taught from them! They have taught me so many lessons and have helped me be who I am today! I learned a lot from their examples more than from words! Their examples always seem to go further and deeper in my soul!

But speaking of example there is one thing I have noticed about us as I get older. We don't exactly get the Nobel peace prize in the communication department! lol We struggle with "I'm sorry" or with "I love you" or with "I was hurt when you did this because......" We just get over it if that makes sense. We just move past the situation and don't address it. But just to clarify just because I didn't hear "I love you" often from the men in my life doesn't mean I don't question it. They have shown me numerous times thru their actions that they love me and care for me.

Still as I have gotten older and studied situations and life experiences I have come to a firm belief that communication is essential! This is something I lack but I have made a true effort to be better at since I have become an adult. We need to communicate and express ourselves to others. I may not say exactly how I feel in the moment. I may not be blunt all the time but eventually my thoughts are expressed. I feel it important to express the good and the bad and all the in between. This is the only way to be real!

On my mission when I wrote home I laid it all out there. I expressed the good and the bad! The happy and the hard moments. I wanted my family to experience what I was experiencing. But with that, as a society as a whole we tend to focus on the negatives with life. So some people think my mission was just "hard" and "trying" and maybe not the best decision I've made. However, that is quite the opposite. I loved my mission and everything that came with it. Yes, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done yet it will be one of the most cherished moments in my life as well. It helped shape me into the person I am today. The hard moments taught me some great life lessons. The joys committed me even more to my beliefs. It is not a decision I regret.

Such is the way with this "happiness project" I have taken upon myself. I am expressing the good and the hard moments because both are teaching me who I am but more importantly who I can become and who I want to become. Yes, I have hard moments thru this but I am not regretting the decision I have made nor am I giving up on it because of a few set backs. So if you are following my project please don't take my set backs as me being a negative and unhappy person and that I can't focus on anything good. This is quite the opposite. I have found so many goods the last 5 weeks and just because I have one bad day doesn't mean I will dwell on it and stay in that mood!

Writing has become my "outlet" and helps me sort out my life out. I have always enjoyed writing and use to write stories and poems more then I do now. But expressing myself on paper started on my mission then was forgotten then reminded of again a few years later when the guy I was with moved away and treated me badly. I would go to my parents house and tell my family how frustrated I was that he was treating me this way. My youngest brother at the time was a teenager and one time he piped up and said "According to Dr. Phil it is good to write your feelings down." I thought "screw you and Dr. Phil what does he know?" Well, I went home that night and 3 1/2 pages later I had written a letter to this person expressing my thoughts. Guess a teenage boy and Dr Phil did know something after all. lol Expressing my frustration the other day on paper was just what my soul needed and I want to THANK ALL OF YOU who expressed your encouragement to me during that hard moment and for a lil'bro who told me that all those years ago!

Thank you for being there and showing support. My cousin reminded me of a time when I was a "mom" to her and her 4 siblings for a month when I was a sophomore in college. Her dad was in an accident and Pocatello didn't have the equipment he needed to heal at that time so he and my aunt were here in Utah. For a month I got up extra early, made 5 lunches, got 5 kids ready for school, took them to school, went to my classes, went home and took care of my dieing grandpa, went to work, picked 5 kids up from school and cooked dinner for me and 5 kids, went to bed and repeated the day over. Many nights we got thru that month with cookies, milk and dancing around the house listening to Dixie Chicks! "Cowboy Take Me Away" and "Earl Just Gotta Die" is sometimes the perfect solution! (I really need to find a copy of that CD again. Mine got burned up in the house fire) Thank you for reminding me that we can all get over hard moments!

A friend reminded me when she showed up at 9:30pm with banana bread that talking and laughing until 12:30am is also another great outlet. Most of you know I am a talker and you probably wish I wouldn't word vomit on you so much :) but thank you for reminding me to laugh over the craziness that life hands us sometimes and for just being there for me in the moment I needed someone the most.

And then I was reminded of the simple phrase "God is in control" and really he is! Life isn't perfect and we all face bumps in the road. But whatever happens in life we have to remember to remember him. He knows our lives better then we do and he can see our future even tho we can't and he won't leave us comfortless. He is up there guiding us thru these hardships so he can shape us into better people and into a more delightsome people. God wants us to be happy in the journey of life and to seek the positives out there.

Thank you to those of you who reminded me of my project and the importance of it and for being patient with me thru a hard day. I am so grateful for the support I have and that others want me to succeed as well. I am grateful I was able to express my frustration then bounce back! This week has been great so far! I have been all smiles again and its a genuine smile. So far this week there is no faking it :) This week it has just been me, and me being real! :)

Fake It til' Ya Make It.........

Pretty much sums up my day today. Today the project is isn't going so well. Ok, I will admit it. Today its HARD! Nothing is going right.

Oh, I put on the "perma-grin" and I talked about the joys of being happy and finding our own personal happiness but today I just wasn't feeling it. Today the smile was a mask! A mask to my frustration and not being able to see things long distantly and struggling to accept my life as it is today!

Today's blog might just be a vent session but I don't have anyone to turn to at the moment so my thoughts need to get on paper and out of my head.

Where did the negative nanny in me start? I think it came from a busy week, a headache that has lasted all week, and very little sleep.

Friday night I was looking at Facebook and I saw all my friends with their cute lil' baby bumps and then some of them have actually delivered. A few more had engagement pictures up and some had posted pictures of recent weddings. A few more were even commenting on their houses.

Most of the time I am ELATED for them and so excited to see their happiness! Seeing their happiness actually makes me happy if that makes sense. But not this weekend. Thoughts have been mulling around in my head. I have PRAYED SO MUCH this weekend for these thoughts to leave. In church a man talked about the purpose of our trials and then in class we talked about finding our "happily ever after" Both were EXCELLENT and I am grateful for each of their inspiration but my mind wouldn't let those thoughts sink in! Instead my mind kept screaming as loudly as it could in my head:

When do I get my eternal happily ever after?
It says to follow Gods plan. I AM!!! What more does he ask of me?
Why couldn't my mom help her lil girl plan a wedding when we were both younger?
Will she ever know that experience?
Will my dad get his daddy/daughter dance at his only daughters wedding?
Will I ever know the pains and sickness and joys of being pregnant?
Will I ever hold an infant in my arms and know they are LITERALLY mine?
Will I get my small town country life that I have been dreaming of since I was a lil girl?
Will I get my house with acreage for lil'children to play in?
Will I get my garden of wild flowers?
Will I get my white picket fence?
Does true love even exist?
How will I know when a man says things to me that he TRULY means it?
How will I know hes not just playing with my emotions and just saying things to say it?
How will I know hes just not using me for better gain for himself?
Why can't I go after the situations that keep popping up in front of me?
Will it ever feel right?
Why are some people privileged to be married and yet all they do is complain about their spouse?
Why do some people have the world at their finger tips yet they still aren't happy?
Why do some flaunt their "woes" for sympathy while the rest of us dig down our heels and work to better our situation but the ones who flaunt seem to have bread handed to them?
Will I ever know the joys of being debt free?
Will I ever know what its not like to struggle until I get to my next paycheck?
Will a man ever put his arms around me and hold me because REALLY cares?
Is there anyone out there who is willing to take the time to truly care and listen?
Will I ever have the priesthood in my home regularly?
Will I always have to wait until I see my family to ask for a blessing of comfort?
Does anyone know how hard it is to smile when you want to crumble and cry on someones shoulder but you never will because you have to be the strong one, the confident one, the one who always has it together?

Some days I really struggle to be the strong one! Some days its hard to say I am "fine" when deep down I am hurting! Some days I wonder why I have been led down the path I have and why I chose some of the decisions I have made?

The more I try to be "good" the harder the adversary is working on me! I am reading my scriptures! I am praying! Oh man do I pray like no ones business! I seek for service opportunities! I have found countless positive moments and happy days. But today my mind refuses to go there! :(

Today I can't! I can't look past this mental block! It is fighting me so hard and won't give me a break!

So today I am venting to my blog!  I am releasing the thoughts in my head! I am writing them down in hopes they will not plague my mind any more! Today I am hoping by reaching out to the only tangible thing I have , my writing, that I can sort thru the mess in my head and start afresh tomorrow. Today I may cry a little or I may not. Right now I just feel frustrated, irritable, and sad.

Today may be the day I curl up in a blanket with oreos and milk.

Cause tomorrow I want to believe again that my happily ever after will come! I want to believe again that all good things come to those who patiently wait and endure well. I want to believe that a man who is true and honest will come into my life. I want to believe that a man will not think he can take lightly and say things without meaning it to me that I really so desperately want to hear from a man some day. I want to believe again that I will get my house out in the country! I want to believe again that I will experience feet pitter patting across the floor and laughter echoing off the walls! I want to believe again that my white picket fence will come! I want to believe again that there will be someone out there one day who will comfort me when I need comfort, provide me with a blessing of strength and encouragement. I want to believe again when I wake up tomorrow that I am going forth with my smile on my face and that its real and genuine and that tomorrows smile is not a mask but one that is full of hope towards my future!

Tomorrows smile will be REAL! It will be GENUINE! I refuse to let this moment consume me! It will be but a moment and nothing more!

Miracle Drug

Girls = Emotions = Why???????

 

Ok, so we all know those girls who are emotional ALL the time right? Just watch a freakin episode of the Bachelor if you don't know what I mean! Seriously!!!! At times it was blessing having just brothers! Just Sayin!

 

I'll admit I get emotional! I'm a woman unfortunately it happens! But I try to not be the one that everyone thinks "What's her next issue today?????" "What is her complaint of the day????" I'll admit I've been through some hard times. We all have! Its the facts of life!

 

But some times those crazy hormones God so lovingly gave us just get out of wack for a day or so and we have NO explanation! It just happens and today........ was MY day!

 

I have been dealing with a headache for 3 days but I slept good for the most part despite the fact I have been dealing with a few decisions the last couple of days that aren't easy decisions to make! I LOVED and I mean LOVED my scripture reading time this morning. I re-learned the importance of opposition in all things. I had the "ah-ha" moment that I think we experience the bad in life so we can more fully appreciate the good and it makes the blessings even sweeter when we recognize them. I re-learned the importance of standing straight and pure with God at all times. I re-learned the importance of always having the gates of hell closed around us and always striving to be in the Light of Christ! I mean seriously, it was an AWESOME early morning "remembering" moment. Then on top of that I had a great conversation with my Father in Heaven and I discussed with him some recent frustrations I have been dealing with and seeking for ways to go about it and life was grand!

 

By the time I got to work the headache was magnifying, the stomach was feeling nasty, and it just started tumbling into craziness!!!

 

Girls + Emotions + Hormones = Crazy Moments!!!!

 

I'm sitting there and the feelings are worsening by the moment. The more I stared at the computer the harder it was to concentrate. Typing emails was a strain! Talking to be people was a chore!

 

I had music playing out of habit and then all of the sudden Taylor Swift was singing "I miss the gap between your teeth" and I LOST it! The tears welled up in my eyes!!!! Are you freakin kiddin me???? What the??????? I was like that is so sweet yet so sad!!!! I knew at that moment that it was just an off whacked out hormonal day! Crying over the dudes gapped teeth in a song? Seriously hormones are so CRAZY!!!!! Hello, NO reason for tears! Seriously!

 

So a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do! Reach out to those who get you! Seriously God puts certain people in our lives for a specific reason: To tell us they understand these crazy moments and make us laugh because they have the same moments! So grateful I have certain people in my who TRULY get me and truly understands whacked out hormonal days!

 

By 1pm I was in serious debate: Go home and let the strange unexplainable emotions ride themselves out or get in the car and drive to Salt Lake for another meeting!

 

So then a girl does the second best thing in life and I down 2 excedrine migraine and a 44 oz coke and I hit the road! Not gonna lie driving thru Utah County was a little crazy with a pounding headache and psycho emotions but made it to Salt Lake sat thru a VERY  interesting meeting which I think warrants it own blog post and by the time I was heading back to my car this girl was flying high like the morning didn't even exist!

 

Then I do the third best thing I could today and that was cook dinner for my neighbors and spend the evening chilling with them!

 

Seriously, hormones you are SO WEIRD AND CRAZY AND WHACKED OUT SOMEDAYS!!!!! I don't get them and why they play with our emotions!

 

So the next time you cry over some guy's gapped teeth in a song for NO apparent reason use the miracle drug: a true and amazing friend, 2 excedrine, 44 oz coke, and a 40 minute drive and put those hormones out of their misery!

 

So thankful today's weird moments are over with!  And lets pray they don't come back anytime soon cause seriously how many times do you REALLY need to get emotional over his gap between his teeth?????????

Yo Dude, You On Dope or Somethin?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!

A month ago I set out on a journey with a New Year’s Resolution. As I blogged a month ago I have seen so many negatives in my life. On top of that enduring a heart break a couple of years ago really sent me on a downward spiral. The more I let life consume me the further I was falling down, down, down to a place I didn’t want to me. I didn’t like me very much and I didn’t like what I saw when I looked into the world. From my jaded perspective everyone and everything was negative, gross, ugly, and sadly I was getting to the point where I was beginning to believe there really was nothing good or positive in this world.

I was talking to my mom on New Year’s Eve as I was helping her get ready for her date with my dad and I mentioned, “Is there really anything good out there? I mean I want to see happiness but it seems so hard to do so.” She responds, “Yay it seems at times God has kind of jipped you of your desires.” After she said that I pondered that statement. A part of me wants to agree with her but then I started thinking of all the times I have noticed God in my life and the positives he has helped me to see. The more I thought of that the more I wanted to recognize the positives on a consistent manner.

So that night I decided to start a project to help fix my jaded and sad perspective. First I needed a name! The name took a while to come but within a couple of weeks I decided to coin it the: choo-choo trains and perma grins project.

WHY: Well over the holidays I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with the nieces and the nephews and it was a lot of fun. One day my brother told me that I am really good with kids and then jokingly said, Well if life doesn’t change for us in the next couple of years why don’t we move in together and you can help me raise my kids. Lol Then this past month I have had a few different opportunities to interact with little children and the simplest things can make them so happy. All they want is for you to play with them and make them feel special. Who would have thought playing cars on a train track could be so much fun? In case you are wondering it’s a blast. J Not only that but the cuddles and laughter that come from little children are priceless. To have a 6 year old crawl out of bed with crocodile tears because she was missing her mom and to have her crawl into lap for cuddles just melts your heart. To distract her from being sad we talked about school, friends, and everything else under the sun. Then another time to have a 2 year old not even 10 minutes after his mom left to instantly crawl into your lap while his sister was still asleep upstairs with his car and a pen and a notebook and want to color with you and play cars on your lap and to be content with his head on your chest for a good 30 minutes really got me thinking about my future and what I want from it. This my friends is what I want. I want cuddles and laughter playing with dolls and ponies. I want to spend my days on the floor racing cars. But in order to get there, there needs to be some changes in which the second part of the title will be explained shortly.

 

THE PLAN: Honestly I didn’t have a true plan in the beginning. It sort have evolved and is continuing to evolve as time goes on. But this is what has helped me so far:

1.  Recognize the positives - I saw something on facebook via pinterest where you put all the positive and happy moments in a jar for an entire year. Honestly working two jobs and a busy church calling I have been slacking in writing them on a piece of paper but I have daily stopped and recognized the positives from the day and it has totally started to change my perspective. Some of the positives: 1. Hung out with Aubrey went to dinner and had a girls night and had a totally open heart to heart talk about life and its hardships and the positives we are trying to find from the hardships. 2. Received a funny text from Sarai that made me laugh on the freeway all the way from Spanish Fork to Lehi. 3. Had the most spiritual Sunday then I have experienced in a long time. It was truly what my soul needed. From a testimony being born in my class to hearing all the talks tonight of what it means to stand in holy places. 4. I held the cutest baby tonight during a church meeting and rocked her to sleep. 5. My class generated a discussion in class today. 6. I was reminded by parents and a good friend today that there are amazing helpful people in the world. 6. Had an enjoyable dinner with my neighbors. 7. Teenage girls are hilarious. Laughed so hard tonight I actually have a side ache. What is so awesome about this list is that it can continue to go on and on and on. I have really searched this past month for something positive from every day and guess what? I have found it! Even if it’s just one thing each day! J

2.  Perma-grin – Now this has been a challenge yet the funniest part of the journey thus far. Attempt to have a grin on your face 24/7!!!!! Wow, this totally changes your outlook on life. If you feel happy and appear happy then strangely the world around you seems happier. Crazy huh? Lol! When I told my mom what I was doing I said I sit in meetings and have this stupid perma-grin on my face and a secretly challenge myself to see how long I can keep it on. I said I’m sure people think I am such a dork. Because you know there are those weirdos out there who ALWAYS have a smile on their face. She responds laughing, “Ya I bet they look at you and think ‘Yo dude you on dope or somethin’ “ J Now do I recommend this to everyone? Yes and No. For me personally I needed to do this because it is what got me starting to feel happy. But smiling 24/7 is exhausting! Just Sayin! J After two weeks of doing this I was so tired and exhausted. I told my mom by the end of the month I better have cheeks of steel from all the smiling but that I was so tired. She reminded me it was better than the alternative so the perma-grin continues. Yes, I have gotten some funny stares from people, and when I do it at church meetings I try not to look specifically at people but I think a few people have thought I was staring directly at them with this goofy doped up grin haha! But it is honestly contagious. I catch myself randomly now throughout the day smiling. Smiling for no particular reason at all. In fact as I am writing I am laughing and smiling over my perma-grin project and the effect it has had on me. One time I was smiling while a group of men were singing the next day when one of the men saw me he totally smiled at me. Perma-grins for me have become a life-saver. I love that I am smiling and laughing again! Something inside of me is waking up again and it feels great!

 

3.  Have a support team- Honestly again just the way I am I wasn’t going to tell anyone about my project. I didn’t want people to know just how messed up I am. But thru the promptings of the Spirit I ended up telling two friends about my project and I am so grateful for their support when I tell them my funny moments and when I sometimes tell them my hard moments. My other support has been my mom actually. We are close but there are times when I feel we are far apart. Part of it is for the fact she doesn’t handle emotion very well and unfortunately life has dealt me such hard negative moments that I tend to be more emotional then she can handle so it’s hard for us. But once I told her I was going to do this she has called to check up on me, when we talk we are both positive and happy during the conversation and her text messages keep telling me to stick with it. I mean it’s kind of sad when you are talking to your mom almost bouncing off the wall from the happiness you feel as you tell her how the Spirit seems to talk to me more the past three weeks and I have a stronger desire to help these young women succeed and then I have all these thoughts for my lessons at church then when I pray for help and guidance with my class at UVU and thoughts pop into my head it’s just amazing and your mom injects halfway thru and says, “Can I just tell you how happy I am you are doing this? I feel it has been an answer to a prayer. Sarah you above anyone else have every right to feel the negative and the sadness you have felt. You have seen more sadness then anyone I know your age and you have endured so much pain but girl you were starting to freak me out. You were NEVER happy anymore. In fact your dad came to me not to long ago and said I don’t think that girl will find love again. I didn’t know he could mess up her heart as bad as he did” When you hear comments like this and you realize how evident your views and pains are to others and how you are affecting them, it’s a true eye opener.

4.  Increase the spirituality – By this I have been attempting to have more meaningful prayers with my Father in Heaven. I plead for his help, comfort, and insight daily. I seek to recognize him in my life and each moment I do, I try to stop right there and thank him for the good positive and happy moment I just had or felt. I feel as if I am talking to a truly loving Father and he is quickly becoming a better friend then he ever has been before. I am attempting to read spiritual things more. I read talks from my church leaders and I attempt to be more diligent in my scripture reading. When thoughts and impressions come into my mind I have been striving to act upon them as quickly as possible. I have also been working on having more order in my home. I have been striving to keep it a cleaner and a happier environment to go home to. A place despite the cold & loneliness there is one that can be a happy home and one filled with excitement.

 

 

5.  Limit the Negative Nannys – We all know who those people are right? That they NEVER find anything happy in life! Each time they talk to you they are complaining about one thing or another and NEVER anything positive. I have been told I am a great listener and I appreciate that and I really want to be there for others. But sometimes “misery loves company” and some of the negative nannys out there really bring you down. I already view the world negatively so when I associate with others who view it that way, the downward spiral of thinking continues and continues. It has been hard to be “selfish” because I try not to be but this month I have limited my conversations with some of the negative nannys out there. I am still there for them and respond when they seek me out but I am doing all I can to not let their negativeness affect me!

IS IT WORKING? I really think it is. I feel myself smiling more than I have in a LONG time and laughing. I have really missed laughing! I love moments when I get the giggles and I can’t stop! J It makes me feel so good! I have an even stronger desire to be there for those young women and my love for them has grown immensely the last few weeks. I love my counselors and the way they strive to be there for the young women as well. I have felt more in tuned with the love from my Father in Heaven. My relationships with others are stronger and happier. I see so many POSITIVES in the world in just the 4 weeks I have been doing this. This is a feeling I don’t ever ever ever want to lose!

 

IS IT PERFECT? Ummm…… NO! The past 4 weeks I have learned that it can be exhausting to make changes and that I need to role with the punches. The other night I was SO SO tired I had reached exhaustion. In fact I was texting my little brother and I said I am so tired I want to cry but I have nothing to cry about! He said go sleep and I will pray for you! J Working on changing myself and my perspective at the exact same time I started working 2 jobs and carrying on a busy church calling may not have been the most ideal for some people but for me I knew it was time and I just had to jump in. Then there are moments when the adversary jumps in and does what it can to bring you back down to misery. Wednesday this week came and it came with a VENGANCE! On Tuesday I went to the foot doctor found out I have a good chance of developing arthritis in my feet then I walk out into the snowstorm and my car wouldn’t start. I pulled the key out, except only part of it came. My key BROKE OFF IN THE IGNITION! I am seriously cursed with cars haha! So I called a great friend who came to the rescue. They attempted everything they could then they called the locksmith to come. During the whole process I was calm and no freak out moments and was just rolling with the punches. It was like an automatic thing. It was kinda cool actually how okay I felt with it all. Then the locksmith gave us the bill and I pulled out my card and my friend questioned if I had the money. I confidentially acknowledged that I did and paid the locksmith. Two hours later as I was driving to Spanish Fork it hit me like a ton of bricks just what a brilliant idiot I really am! I have been wondering for a couple of days where this “extra” money had come from. Well, when I did my finances for the month I completely forgot to add in my car insurance that automatically comes out of my account, so honestly NO I didn’t have the money AT all! But despite all that I was still relatively calm and in good spirits. That night I dug through my pennies and bought me some chocolate milk because that solves everything J and I went to bed. I woke up Wednesday and every muscle in my body ached. It hurt to move. Then the snow put me later to work then I was expecting. Then I was heading to UVU to administer my test and I did a 360 going over the Provo Center Street overpass. SCARY MOMENT! Then as I was rushing in to give the test I get stopped and was informed they would be evaluating me on Friday and asking my students what they really think of me and if they really think I know what I am doing and if I am helping or hindering their education! As if I wasn’t already having a heart attack lets add this on right? Then some other items came up so I was late getting back to work, had a million emails to respond to and people with a million of questions. Got home 5 minutes before my house filled up with 7 sweethearts. But not even they could shake me out of my negative thinking. Everything I was fighting against came back on Wednesday and came back hard. All the negative thoughts, I felt ugly! I felt frumpy! I automatically assumed the worst about the evaluation that hadn’t even taken place yet! I felt like I couldn’t do anything right! It was horrible! The more I tried to pray the harder it was for words to come out! I learned from this experience that days are going to be hard but the key is to pick yourself right back up and to not let it affect you for long! So let’s just say Wednesday came but Wednesday has also gone along with all of its negativeness.

AM I GIVING UP? – Ummm…… No! There is too much good happening to let one set back throw me off my goal. Besides my parents have always taught me to go big or go home. Either put my all into it or don’t bother. J Also not only do I want to be happy just to be happy but someday I really want choo-choo train moments permanently and I will only get there if I fix myself first. Even though the wall around my heart at times is barricaded with barbwire and I am SO SCARED to reach out and trust someone, I REALLY want to. Deep down behind the negative thinking I am actually a hopeless romantic. I want someone who loves me for me to surprise me with flowers delivered to my office someday. I want to go home to someone and hang out in our old sweatshirts and talk about our hard days work. I want snuggles from lil’ ones and cuddles from him! I want to find my best friend! I want to know that he will be there for me thru thick and thin and that no matter what I will ALWAYS have him at my side! I want “good morning beautiful” comments and “I love you” and good night kisses!  I want to get to the point that I will believe all this really will happen. I don’t want to question motives. I don’t want to be with someone who’s only description of me is she’s hot I wonder how far I can get with her. I don’t want to be with someone who thinks my life is in shambles right now so I want to be with Sarah who is my “outlet” but I don’t want to pursue anything else with her. I don’t want to be with someone who has no intention of developing anything with me but only uses me because she is good cook, or she has great movies, or she’s funny, or she has a good job! I want to find someone who is willing to dig deep down through the mess I am and love me for no other reason than the fact I’m ME! And love and appreciate me with my flaws and at the same time willing to help me grow and be a better person. I want to be with someone who I can open up to completely, with my soul, my thoughts and most importantly with heart and know that he will cherish it every day and won’t do anything to break it apart again!