Out With The Old In With The New.........

Is how the saying goes right? Throw out all the old habits and new years resolutions you tried to keep for maybe a month and start afresh? Well, I'm not one for following thru with all the new ideas, desires, and wishes. I think its because I set my expectations to high at times. I think this is the year, you know the year that everything is going to magically change! I'm going to magically be a size 6. I'm going to magically be debt free! I'm going to magically find the perfect guy. lol

Even tho I don't necessarily see all these new years expectations to fruition each year, as I have reflected back on this past year I can't necessarily complain how the year ended up. I accomplished so many things this year even tho it wasn't necessarily planned out last January. I have improved on my endurance and running performance, I participated in the dirty dash which was not an easy task. I not only hiked over the Tetons during a week long trip but I carried all my own gear and food. I competed in more races then I thought would and I lost weight and inches FINALLY after many years of wanting to.

So I have pondered what do I want to accomplish this year? I plan to keep up my work out routine but I'm not setting anything specific to it because I have learned that my body has a mind of its own and the weight and inches will come off on its own time! I still plan to run races. And if I get invited back to the brother's trip then there is a chance I might go again. So what else could I do?

The more I pondered I have realized there is something personal I want to work on. Even tho I try not to show it very often I have realized that I have been in a dark place for awhile now and I have noticed it has started to creep out and show itself more and more and its something that needs to be fixed. I have a jaded view on so many perspectives of life. In my relatively young life I have witnessed more things then anyone my age with my degree should have to see. I graduated with a degree in Health Education with the thought I would get a job and help people improve their health. Although that was a great thought in theory, I have walked down a very different path. Even tho I don't regret my career path because I have learned so many valuable lessons I have come to realize that all these jobs have taken a toll on my thought process and sadly I don't view the world the same anymore.

It started out little over 7 years ago, I accepted a job as the Outreach Coordinator for a non-profit organization and I was in charge of the 24-7 crisis line for domestic violence, rape, sexual assault, and suicide attempts. As part of this position I would go out with police officers at any given hour day or night and speak with individuals who had been victims of domestic violence. I saw more black and blue bodies then any single girl in her 20's would want to see. I would sit with rape victims hiding in their closet to scared to talk to anyone but me because the police officer trying to assist was man and a man had just taken advantage of her. I would hold young girl's hands in the E.R. as rape kits were performed so they could collect evidence. I would spend hours on the phone setting up suicide contracts with individuals praying they would call back when they promised me they would and that I would not have to call the cops and assume the worse. I would sit in court rooms with victims as their perpetrator would stare them down while in chains.

After a year and a half of this job I worked with individuals recovering from drug and alcohol issues. I listened to the craziest meth stories ever. I would see people I would spend hours with relapse after watching them succeed to relapse over and over because of an addiction at that moment was stronger then them. I worked with grown men on federal parole for horrible crazy drug related crimes who honestly felt they were dealt with in justly. I would drug test women on federal parole thru urine samples and they would show up with young young children. I would watch and listen to people lie to me over and over because they would say things that they thought I wanted to hear instead of the truth. My heart would just break with each story from both jobs as I realized there was more to this world then the little bubble I grew up in. I would see people hurting from others, I would see people hurting because their addiction had such a control on them. I would see people who just didn't care how their actions hurt others or people who thought they were truly justified in the things they did. The more I saw the more my eyes opened. The more hurt and sadness I witnessed daily the less positive and happiness I saw.

After a year at this job I accepted a job working with infectious diseases not really understanding what the job would entail. During this job I would tell people of infectious diseases they had. Some diseases could be cleared however other diseases have life long consequences. It breaks my heart to tell an individual that they have HIV and to see the tears silently roll down their face. It breaks my heart to know someone has HIV and they don't care and continue to live a careless life. I work with people who continuously cheat on their partners and would rather risk infecting their partners with a disease then wear protection or tell the partner and have the partner find out they have another life. I would hear story after story of so many people being infected with diseases and distrust and hurt and betrayal. People come in and see me and would say, "I thought I knew this person so well. I never thought I would end up in your office." Male and female would come into my office. I would see people struggle with identity vs what the world would want them to be. I witnessed tears after tears as they would tell me their stories and struggling to figure out what was best for them.

I still work with this job on a limited basis but now I am more in a prevention side. A little bit happier side to life but I still work with people who struggle with addictions. I work with teenagers who are in trouble for smoking and I teach them a cessation class. Most of them do not want to be there and therefore they are not the nicest of people. After 7 years of seeing these different perspectives to life I have come to realize I question everything. In some of these situation people would constantly lie to me that I now can pick up on lying so easily. If I don't pick it up immediately I question if they are lying and when I find out they are its so hard to trust again. I wonder at times if there is any decency left in the world. Is there any good? Are there decent people out there? I have seen so much negativity out there that I wonder at times where is all the positive?

I use to be such a fun loving person who only saw the good in others and thought the world was a happy blissful place. Like I said I am grateful for what I have learned because it has given me a different perspective and opened my eyes to so much. But at the same time being a single gal my view has been tainted and jaded. Some times to the point that I struggle to find anything positive during the day. Some times I am teased for wanting to get married so badly but honestly it has been really hard to deal with each of these situations on a daily basis them come home to a cold and lonely and empty apartment and wonder if there is anyone decent in the world. It would be so nice to have a shoulder to lean on and tell them of the sadness and to have them hold me in their arms and remind me of the positives out there that I struggle to remember. Some times the the cold dark loneliness just sucks you in when the day also seems so cold and dark and lonely as well.

Marriage may come but it may not as well. I may never get that shoulder to lean on, those arms around me to tell me it will all be okay. But I also know I need to strive daily to remember all the good and positives out there as well. So my goal this year is to truly seek to remember the good and positive in the world. Not to let the negative consume me so much that I keep my heart and love hidden and locked up. My goal is to trust more and to believe that I can truly trust someone and that I won't be hurt or mislead.

How to accomplish this? I am not sure. I have pondered this for awhile now. I believe in God and I know he is there no matter what. I have never doubted him but I think I can trust him a little more and have more faith in my belief that he holds me and my life in the palm of his hand. I can trust more that he has a specific plan for me and it will be better then I have ever imagined. I can begin and end each day counting my blessings. I can go thru the day daily striving to find something positive out of each situation. I can strive to find more positives in every person I encounter. I can strive to laugh daily and to truly focus on smiling more. I can reach out of this jaded view that surrounds me and serve more and give more freely and even tho I could still possibly go home to a cold and lonely apartment I can continue to bring light and love and positiveness into it.

Changing ones view and thought process is not easy. I have seen people the last 7 years who go down one track and not think they can ever change. However I do believe there can be change. I do believe that somehow somewhere I will find this happiness and I hope to take this next year to accomplish this challenge! I am ready to prove my current jaded mind that it is wrong! I am ready to find people and continue to be around people who continually show me the positiveness in the world, the good in the world, the happiness in the world.

My goal: next year this time to write of all the positive amazing happy moments I have experienced in 2013. To write of the good I saw in the world. To write of the people who influenced my life and willing to take me by the hand and help me see the wonderful side of life. To write of the moments I laughed, and smiled, and maybe even cried some happy tears.

So out with the jaded and saddened and trodden down view of life and in with a new energetic and positive outlook on life and in with as many wonderful people who care to embrace this challenge with me and help me see the world for not only what it is but what it has the potential to be. For people who are willing to show me what it is to see life on a brighter view. I still plan to do what I do job wise because I know there was a reason I was lead down this path but I plan to not let it affect my thought process to the point that I can't see any good in the world! :)

Heres to a Happy New 2013 Year!!!!! :)

$50 social experiment

If you know me you know that I usually look forward to the next service opportunity. Combine it with Christmas and I am usually a pretty happy girl! Well this year I heard about a service opportunity from some friends in connection with Christmas and you would think this is perfect! Well sad to admit at first I didn't like how the service opportunity was set up and much to my surprise I even vocalized it. This is quite strange for me but for some reason I was bothered. I had mentioned my thoughts to a friend of mine and they responded, "Your points are completely validated and I almost voiced them as well but then something told me it would all be ok."

I thought about what my friend said every so often over the past month. Then I went to work one day and we had a Christmas party. During the party we exchanged $5 gifts where you pick a number open the present and the next person can choose to take the present or unwrap a new gift. Well one of the ladies opened a gift and as part of her gift was a $50 bill. We were all so shocked and everyone thought it must have been put in there by mistake. Finally one person spoke up and said the money was real and it was not put in there by mistake. They wanted to see how we would react. Once we found out it was real I thought what a blessing it was to come to the lady who opened it. She is going thru a divorce and has three little boys. Then it was taken from her and I thought well maybe the next person who is single is struggling and could use the money. Then it was taken from that person and I thought well maybe this person with 4 little girls could really use it.

That night I met my mom and some of her friends in Salt Lake and I told them of the experience at work and how I had different emotions with each person getting the money and I hoped it was truly a blessing in their lives. Then my mom turned to me and said, "Would you have taken the $50 away from the first person?" And I said, "Wow! Honestly this year that is a hard call. You have taught me differently and you would have wanted me to let someone else who maybe less fortunate to end up with it. Either of those 3 probably needed it. But at the same time I thought that could go towards my surgery or car or tooth. But one thing for sure I wish I was in a situation where I could give $50 and not bat an eye about it" Then we walked over to the Christmas Concert and I had the most amazing experience. During the concert as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was singing they brought out Tom Brokaw who spoke of a young man in the war during Wold War II who would drop candy to little children from his plane. Then much to our surprise the man appeared on the stage and we heard from the 92 year old man. He said, "My parents have always taught me to give. They said it was better to give then receive. He then said I live my life like it taught in the book Mans Search for Happiness... truest form of happiness in life is in giving service to others"

His words struck a chord within my soul because I was struggling this year to find true happiness at Christmas time. I love Christmas, I love giving presents, I love being with family but around this time of joy and happiness is when I am reminded once again that I am alone. Yes, I have amazing friends and family but its not the same as seeing everyone with their spouse and or children. So this year I have been trying to find out what truly makes me happy. That night I knew I needed to donate to the service opportunity. After the conversation with my mom and hearing this story it truly touched me. Sadly I did not have $50 to spare but I did have some and that weekend I got a hold of the person in charge and asked them to buy extras or fulfill something that was missing with the money I gave them. It felt wonderful knowing I was helping to give another a better Christmas then they otherwise would have had.

I then started to think about what else helps me see Christmas differently. Also this month I and some other people I go to church with took the youth in our ward to see the lights on Temple Square. This was a first for some of the youth and it was really exciting. I got to walk thru and see the lights with a little 6 year old girl. To see the nativity scene and the lights from her perspective had started to change my perspective. To see her excitement over something so simple that I think some people take for granted helped me to also see that no matter our circumstances Christmas can be the happiest time of the year.

As the day has drawn closer my feelings have yo-yo'd. Seeing the excitement of friends and lil' childrens open their gifts was priceless. Helping the nieces and nephews with their Christmas crafts and baking goodies with them today was priceless. Then we were sitting around the family room tonight listening to my dad read the Christmas story and I looked up to see my stocking hanging alone all by itself. Then I saw the other stockings around the room in groups of families then I looked around the room and saw everyone sitting next to spouses and or their children. All content and happy with one another on this blessed Christmas Eve. For a split moment I felt a tinge sadness a tinge of loneliness. Then I looked down to see 6 month old baby Evan fast asleep in my arms and as he snuggled closer to me I remembered the experience of the Temple Square lights, the experience of participating in the service project, the joys and excitements of friends receiving their gifts and then I thought of the excitement I will feel tomorrow to give my gifts to my family. Then I thought about my Savior and the greatest gift he has given me.

My life isn't ideal. It isn't perfect. But the Savior knew that long ago and knew that I would struggle with these feelings every once in awhile especially when it should be a time of joyous occasion. He suffered those feelings I feel every once in awhile so that he could also give me these experiences when I need them most to remind me that he cares and that he has never forsaken me.

As a held that tender little babe in my arms tonight, I wondered how Mary felt holding the Savior in her arms and I was reminded how blessed I am. I have great opportunities to serve others. God has blessed me with AMAZING friends who constantly open up their hearts and arms to me. And even tho I have one of the craziest families :) I have been blessed with one who I can always be a part of. So even tho there might be tinges of sadness when there should always be joy I know I will always be comforted and I think my friend was right to say it will all be okay. For me at this moment as I am about to head to bed for a couple of hours of sleep before the lil ones come wake me up to see what Santa has brought them it is all okay for I have felt the true meaning of Christmas!

Elections!!!!



Now I know some of you who are actually reading this is doing it solely upon looking at the title and wondering what in the world does Sarah have to say about elections let alone politics. Its so very true. I know nothing really about politics. In fact I could easily become famous off of the Jay Walks on the Jay Leno show as the dumbest girl on the street when it comes to politics. Sadly but truly just a few short months ago I didn't even know who the vice president of the United States was. Then after I was told who he was I forgot again until facebook was flooded with comments regarding the vice presidential debate.

This kind of stuff, politics has never interested me. You could say I tend to walk around in my uneducated bubble. But I love to listen to those who educate themselves and have discussions about political things. By "those" I mean friends and family because they usually still speak in terms that my little brain gets. But there are times when listening to them that just fascinates me especially when they are talking to someone who might disagree with them because every once in awhile I feel something inside of me and my own opinion begins to slowly form. I applaud those of you who are politically driven with tact and no what you are saying when you say it. In fact I have a friend who grew up with a "freedom room" in her house. Politics were discussed frequently in her home and she was encouraged regularly to obtain an educated opinion.

My opinion is not educated by all means but none the less its still an opinion. I will readily admit I did not watch the presidential debates nor did I watch the vice presidential debates. I quite frankly had no time and again it had a little bit to do with my uneducated thoughts on politics and wondering how do I know they are not jut saying that but truly mean it. I had a booth over the summer at the county fair for work and our booth was right next to a campaign booth. For four days straight I would listen to this person's campaign team tell the SAME speech time after time. I practically have it memorized word for word! At that moment I thought, do these people REALLY believe what they are saying or did they all memorize the same paragraph highlighting the opponents negatives and prep to only bash the opponent. Then the last night of the fair the man they were campaigning for actually showed up and introduced himself to me. I spoke with him for a moment and attempted to be open minded to his thoughts. When I attempted to explain my educational anti-tobacco booth to him he quickly responded he was well aware of tobacco and before I could get a 1/3 of my thoughts out he cut me off and told me all the great things he had accomplished in reducing smoke and second hand smoke in Utah. I felt somewhat defeated that he wouldn't listen to me, my thoughts. He quickly ended his lil speech to me and started to converse with everyone around my booth. When I was cleaning up I had to take massive buckets of water (from melted ice) outside and dump them. They were not light by any means and the other girl helping me was struggling with them as well. We had to go around this man who did not ask if he could help struggling women with massive buckets of water nor did he offer to hold the door nor did he even attempt to step aside out of our way. Instead he stood in my path and talked politics to other people who were running with him and watched me work. When he finally got ready to leave he shook my hand and thanked me for doing the Lord's work! My thought was "it would serve you well to do the same mister. Part of the Lord's work is helping your fellow man." I wondered after that moment how can you believe anything they say? How do you know its not just fluff words?

    

However, I happened to go to my parents home in the middle of the republican convention and after my mom and brother with shaking heads educated me on the guy running for vice president, the guy Mitt Romney beat out who then turned to support him, and yes educated me on the name of our vice president I decided to watch and just listen. I am proud to say when my brother asked who was speaking I could proudly say Clint Eastwood!(I know its sad, see I could totally be famous off Jay Leno  if he would have interviewed me)

As I then listened to Mitt Romney speak about the economy and the hardships and the financial struggles something resonated inside me like a little light bulb went on in my head like one of those ah-ha moments and I thought someone gets it! Someone understands how I am feeling! Someone realizes that I am putting in 50-60 hr weeks only getting paid for 40 working crazy hours and wondering if I will ever get a raise for all I am doing since I can't go get a second job with this schedule. I thought someone understands that even though I have a fairly decent job I can't seem to get ahead because even tho I am not getting raises to compensate it, the prices of food and gas continually increase and I am set back further and further financially and I am struggling to make ends meet.

I will be honest, I liked that he understood the financial burden, the financial crisis I am going thru. I will also be honest and admit this opinion may very well be biased because I did not listen to the democratic convention or any of the debates but my uneducated brain has seen with my educated eye the ever increasing prices on the things we need the most: Food and means for transportation! I resonated with him about getting more people to work, to be responsible for their actions. The past few years my eyes have been opened up more and more to people who expect handouts. Expect others to compensate them for the situation they are in. To expect freebies. Because I am single and have a relatively good job and because people don't know the financial struggle I deal with as well they automatically expect and or assume that I should freely give to those in need. You might go back to my previous comment about Christ and ask if I am not being Christ-like in my thoughts. But I believe Christ was willing to help those who helped themselves and demonstrated faith. I think the world today should apply the same principle. Don't go asking hard working individuals because they are Christians to pay or donate things to your pleasure without another thought and not doing something in return. Sometimes I feel the ones who work the hardest to make ends meet are the ones who are targeted the most. I feel if I am working my butt off to make ends meet then others if capable should as well.

I am eternally grateful and will forever be indebted to parents who have taught me the value of work. Not only work but hard work. Who instilled in me the desire to go out there and work for my dreams. To put myself in a situation where I could better myself. My move from Idaho was based on multiple reasons and multiple factors. But one of the reasons was to find better more secure employment for myself so I could take care of myself. I love the quote "Be the change you want to see" I am definitely not where I want to be and sure like most hard working people I wish I was better paid for all the hard actual work I do. But at the same time I am grateful I am working to better myself and my situation to be where I want to be some day. It may take longer then I want but with hard work and dedication I know I will get there.

I did think when Mitt Romney was offering solutions if they were real or if he was just saying it to sound good. But honestly I liked a lot of his suggestions and actually hoped he would be given the chance to really put them into practice. He worked hard, was smart in his business tactics and got himself to where he is today. I actually wanted to see if he was elected if Congress would go along with his thoughts and if he would teach us a thing or two about hard work, manning up to our responsibilities as individuals, and being dedicated to being more self reliant people.

As we know Mitt Romney did not win. For once in my life thanks to the little light that went on in my head I sat long and hard and wondered about my future. Am I going to continue to be in this financial despair? I am going to continue to struggle month after month to make ends meet while people all around me expect handouts and boldly exclaim I am poor you should give to my needs? I wondered a lot of things but just as quickly as those thoughts came so did the thoughts of Christ. We do not know how the future will be . We do not know how long the struggles will be present in our lives but I do know Christ has not forsaken me and understands the daily trials and struggles I am facing. I know Christ has engraved me in the palm of his hand and as long as I continue to do my part, as I continue to do my best to be self-reliant that God will compensate and I will be taken care of. I love the scripture that states I, the Lord am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise. I feel very uncertain of my future in multiple ways and on multiple levels but I know as long as I stick to the principles that Christ has set forth and govern my personal life in accordance to those principles then I can rest assured that one day things for me personally will be all ok.
















Now I know some of you may read this with very strong opinions, that's natural we are humans. But I wrote this on my blog where I can freely express my opinions. I am not looking for political debates. Some of you may think I am biased because I didn't even mention Obama! Its true this is a biased opinion. I did not listen to anything else besides to a guy running for office at the republican convention and we all should be impressed I did that. In the future I should educate myself better, form better educated opinions but for now these are the thoughts that I have going thru my head. Others of you who know my lack of political knowledge may wonder where this post may even came from. Maybe its because I woke up at 3:30am cold and hungry and yes still very much tired but not knowing at the moment how to solve my coldness, nor my hunger, nor my tiredness. Maybe this is all mumble jumble because I am sleep deprived, or maybe as my mom said earlier this week maybe I finally have woken up, realized I do have an opinion, and even more encouraged now to keep doing what I am doing to personally take care of myself so I can provide myself with a brighter future!

Mutual Weirdness = Love! What? Really?

So I have had this lil thought for awhile now with different experiences I have gone through of how does one actually fall in love? Is it really that simple? Does it take continual practice? How does one know its love and not lust? Or just not a desperate attempt for attention so you assume its love and in reality it just cause your lonely?

 

Dr. Seusss says love is:

I have pondered this thought and wonder what it takes to fall in mutual weirdness together. So far in life for me its lacking the mutual part. Me and mutual can't seem to connect. Lets take a look at various scenarios that to many of us go thru before mutual weirdness actually takes place.

You are into him but clearly he is not into you!

 

We are all familiar with this movie right? 



I didn't like this movie when I watched it the first time. Maybe it hit a little to close to home. But I was shopping with a friend once and decided to add a movie to my collection and she LOVED this movie and I thought really??? So I decided to give it another chance. I have actually watched it a few times and I still don't LOVE it. Great actors but maybe if I was in a committed relationship I would view it differently.

 

But we all have experienced that time in our lives when we meet someone and they seem so great yet they just don't seem to feel the same way. I happened to meet a guy awhile back and honestly I don't know him that well but I have interacted with him a couple of times and he seems like a great guy and one I would like to get to know but he clearly is not interested if he is not making a move. I gave him an opportunity to get to know me and he clearly didn't take the bait. I watch him go thru week long relationships then they end and I wonder what did you see in that person? Why did you pursue them? Why don't you want to pursue me?

 

A girl can only do so much to show she is interested but ultimately the guy will make a move if he is interested. As I have sat back and watched my brothers pursue their relationships with their wives I have noticed guys enjoy the chase. Guys enjoy showing you that you mean the world to them.

 

He is into you but you are not into him!

 

CAT LOVER!!!!!!!!!!

 

 



Do I really need to say more here? If you are confused about the above read http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4829182396584292183#editor/target=post;postID=3053767440605745847

But we have all met that person who thinks we are totally going to rock their socks but seriously there is no chemistry or connections! I think a lot of time people think you are single and I am single so we must be perfect for each other. But how can a relationship flourish is there is clearly no connection? If  there is no commonality at all? Why do people go for this? I have always wondered. You see it all the time in the movies where the guy or girl goes for someone way out of their league and when it happens you wonder if it could in reality but I can't seem to fall in love or lust or like or whatever with a 55 year old cat lover! Just Sayin!

 

Hes into you but NOT into you!

 

This is the scenario that I have fallen into way to often in my life. Hes into the IDEA of you but when it really comes down to making it work hes not into you the person! He likes the idea that you are a hard working educated person, good head on your shoulder, strong in what you believe in, love life and what it has to offer but if he has to look past that and put in effort himself it just ain't gonna happen on his end! Make a relationship work two-sided? really? well that's the dumbest thing he has ever heard of! lol He likes the idea that you are flirting with him and building his ego but if he has to make an effort to show hes interested as well, he backs down and bolts. He likes that you cook for him, look after his needs, let him in your life take control of it and get comfortable but then when you ask where is this relationship going he bolts without a another word! As long as I am the suga momma life is all sugary sweet but once I mention I have feelings and want more then being the suga momma he thinks "Crap, I have to grow up and make a decision and be a responsible adult well that's to hard so I'm going to cowardly run away" Or the all to common, "Wait! What? I just can't make out with you but have other relationships with other people? You sayin that's not cool? Or wait, I can't just have a physical relationship? You want me to develop true feelings? That's the most absurd thing I have heard!!!!"

 

Yes, I am  throwing lots of sarcasm into the above paragraph but those situations in one form or another has been replayed all to often. When I want commitment or respect or mutual give and take they bolt quicker then lightening and usually without saying another word! They just disappear and I am left looking dumbfounded with idiot posted to my forehead for falling for it once again:

 

Great Friendship BUT.......

 

This is a scenario that I think everyone comes across at some point in their lives before the mutualness actually collides. You are great friends, you are comfortable around each other, when others look at you they think O wow, look at their friendship they would make the most perfect couple, you make each other laugh at times BUT one of you just doesn't feel that spark, that drive, that desire to pursue the relationship farther then friendship! Please tell me you have been thru this???? There has been people in my life who will always have a special place in my heart for their friendship and for what they have taught me. I cherish their friendships because they have showed me what I want in a relationship one day but I want and I need that spark to make it go further. I can't bring myself to be in a loveless relationship! I have seen it all to often. I think what is painful in this situation is those on the outside who don't understand the need for spark and just see two great people and wonder what is wrong with you for not going for that person. For not jumping into a relationship and fulfilling your life long desire. Why do we meet people and become the greatest friends but the spark can't come? You are jealous to an extent of the person who will end up with them but beat yourself up wondering why it can't be you but knowing at the same time if you forced it you would be unhappy! Knowing its no fault of theirs and doing what you can to not break their heart.

 

Having broken a heart for not having the feelings but cherishing the amazing friendship I had with a person and having my heart broken for falling for someone who was into the idea of me but not really into me I think this is why I ponder these scenarios every once in awhile and wonder how to move past them. I never want to break another heart again or go thru another broken heart myself. Seeing the pain on his face and knowing how long it took me to get back on my feet after I watched someone walk out of my life without an explanation I don't tread on these scenarios lightly.

 

Finally the Totally Off Limits:



Maybe this person is out of our league! Maybe this person can't be in a relationship with you for multiple reasons! Maybe you met them for a reason but bottom line you just can't be together!  Maybe this scenario is a combination of the above and not a category of its own. But have you ever come across someone and think: I want to find someone like you someday? You totally connect with the person, you make each other laugh, and just by knowing them they make you want to be a better person? You have this total connection that you just can't put into words but there are multiple reasons why you just can't be in a relationship. This person totally rocks your world yet they can't fully. Are they put in your life just to be reminded that there are others out there like them but available in ways this person is not? Are they put in your life just to add that laugh and smile when you needed it the most? Or is it the other way around and you were actually the one put into their lives for a certain reason? But whatever the case maybe the bottom line is you connect with the person on multiple levels but for multiple reasons you just can't be together!

 

So I ask you, if you are reading this blog post to take a moment and contemplate then let me know what does it take to find someone who can fall into mutual weirdness together? How does one move out of the above scenarios? Or is it necessary to go thru all the above scenarios or can we avoid them? If you have fallen into mutual weirdness with someone and have called it love, tell me how it happened? I want to hear responses from you if you take a moment to read the blog post: Comment. I know many of you are past these scenarios or at one time were past them. What made it happen?

 

Looking forward to your responses and happy reading to all who take a moment to read the ramblings of my heart, mind and soul! :) 





What if there was a World of Service?

There is a scripture that reads when you are in the service of your fellow beings you are only in the service of your God.

So what does it mean to truly serve?

About a month and a half ago I was talking to a friend of mine about some things and he encouraged me to dive in and serve more. He encouraged me to focus more on others and other things and my perspective of life would change. We had also just listened to someone talk about service so I decided to take his challenge and jump in.

There are moments I struggle but the blessing of it definitely outweighs the struggle. As I have looked for serviceable moments it has reminded me of great parents who taught me a life of service. My mom is always cooking something for someone or visiting with a friend in need or buying the perfect gift for that friend who would just love it. My dad has always been one to see to others needs and is often seen being that good example to young men in the ward and neighborhood and sacrificing many hours of time on their behalf.

Yesterday provided a few different experiences that led to these thoughts. We were asked to come to the church and put bark around the trees and bushes. Not a lot of people came but I enjoyed talking with the people who did come. One thing that struck me was seeing parents bring their little children to the service project. Some of them had gloves and lil rakes and were so excited to be apart of the help. It made me grateful for parents teaching their children to develop a life of service. I was taught at a young age like them and will always be endebted for being taught this act. I thought how would this life be if everyone could grasp the concept of serving others.

After the service project I went home to make treats for the multistake dance. When I saw there was a post on facebook asking for anyone and everyone to donate food for the cause and they weren't even connected to the dance I could tell they were desperate. I had earned a few extra dollars on my paycheck for some mileage reimbursement. I should have put the extra towards my debt but instead decided to bake some variety of treats for the dance. However I was on the craziest time crunch ever and had to go to the crazy Wal Mart. I raced thru the store picked up my numerous items to bake and raced to the checkout. Just as I was pulling out my wallet it slipped out of my hands and everything in my wallet flew everywhere. I instantly thought you gotta be kidding me!I don't have time for this. As soon as the thoughts were there I looked down and saw a little boy maybe six or seven yrs old maybe even five already on the ground scrambling to pick up the contents of my wallet. It was the cutest and most touching thing in the moment. I thanked him and his parents who had a combined look of pride and astonishment towards their son. Again I thought what would this world be like if we were all a little more serviceable?


Later at the dance I asked if they needed help cleaning up afterwards and was told YES PLEASE!!!!! So I stayed. After the outskirt foyers were cleaned I noticed we had the big gym to clean still. This guy myself and another lady set off to tackle the task. At first I was in my own lil world working away but before long I looked up and saw a handful of people maybe ten to fifteen people sitting around laughing and joking among themselves and watching us work. We worked on that gym floor for an hour while our audience looked on. I thought of others working in other parts of the building trying to get things done and I thought of the two previous experiences that day and again thought what would the world be like if we were all a little more serviceable and was grateful that there are people in this world who do just jump in and serve. I am grateful for the friends and family who remind me of the importance of living my life in service.

One day if I am privledged to raise children of my own I hope to instill in them a desire and a longtime commitment to providing service. I hope they will show up to service projects with eagerness or jump down and eagerly help someone in need. I hope I can find someone who is willing to serve like my friend reminded me to do. There truly is no greater feeling then knowing you are following the example of Christ and living a committed life of service towards other. I hope I can continue to not only serve but always have a positive attitude about serving. I also hope when a service opportunity arises we can all have the thought: What would the world be like if we all jumped in and served? Then I hope we all jump in with willing hearts and hands and attitudes and make this crazy place a better place for all of us to live in!

Random Thoughts from a Random Girl

Burning Fire of Memories

You came into my life for such a brief moment

Then as quickly as you came you had to leave

The experience might be forced to live dormant

However, the changes in my life cannot be deceived

You reminded me to laugh, to smile, to live, but most importantly to be me

Because of you there will forever be a burning fire of memories

Burning brighter and brighter until I am what you could always see

We don’t always know why life takes us down the paths we travel

Or why we meet the people we do in the moment we do

It seems as if the threads of life that brought us together will forever unravel

And that moment will be blinded by a jaded view

But, you reminded me to laugh, to smile, to live, but most importantly to be me

Because of you there will forever be a burning fire of memories

Burning brighter and brighter until I am what you could always see

This moment in time may not be relived

And what we shared may never be shared again

Some well say with time this moment will be outlived

But I know no matter the case it won’t be forgotten

Cause, you reminded me to laugh, to smile, to live, but most importantly to be me

Because of you there will forever be a burning fire of memories

Burning brighter and brighter until I am what you could always see



Changes Good? Say What???!!!!!

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you put your all into it? Like literally your ALL? I did! I wanted something so badly and the more I prayed about it the stronger the confirmation that I was going in the right direction so I put my ALL in to it. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and yes even financially! For four years I went for something and in the end I ended up broken. Broken in so  many ways that its hard to put it all into words. And due to this, CHANGE came into my life! A year and a half ago if you told me change would be good I would have laughed at you amid the many tears that flowed when I realized all that I had put my energy into would never be! I would have said "I don't want change!" "Change is hard"

Yes change has been hard and the road I have traveled has not been easy but I have been going down a journey of growth and rediscovery that's indescribable. Once I was back on my feet I created a mantra: TAKING BACK MY LIFE! My sister in law changed it to: REGAINING PERSPECTIVE OF LIFE because she said my life was never taken away from me. (Though I'm not gonna lie, there were many moments when I felt it was)

I decided with this new life mantra I was going to start doing things I have wanted to do but kept putting off. I would face some of my fears and begin to look at life thru new eyes with new opportunities.

This has been  my journey thus far:

 

 

I wanted to start with something huge! Something to push myself into this change. I decided to face my fears of height and repel off a waterfall! My amazing family and friends aka my support team all gathered together for this huge event:

 

 The water was closer then this picture shows!

It was AWESOME! 

 I did it! :)

It was scary exciting exhilarating all in one! After that I decided I wanted more for my life! I wanted to prove to myself that I can endure hard things and with time all wounds can heal. Even if some things take longer then others.

So with 2 foot surgeries and a broken heart checked off my list I decided I want to run! REALLY?????????

The last time I had actually run was in Junior High! I will let you figure just how long ago that was! :) Due to some physical complications at that time I had stopped running and never picked it up again!

When I told my family I had a goal to run the Poky 5K my older brother jokingly commented that the only thing that would get me thru the finish line was if some one was dangling a coke in front of me the whole time lol

 

Well without the coke in front of me lol I set off to see what I could do. I had a friend show me some great techniques!

 





Gustavo thanks for being a great inspiration to all you come in contact with!

 

I ran the above race then I set off to run the Poky race! My sis in law ran beside me to coach me a long the way! I had a few friends sign up to the race as well and my older brother ran beside us video taping the run! Warning race pictures are never the prettiest but this was the Poky race:

 video camera man :)

 My other mentor encouraging me at my side :)

 My friends who ran the race as well

 Ankle brace and all I DID IT! :)

 What a great team! :)

 Mom coming to watch me :)

 Other sis in law coming to watch :)

 

After I did the race and realized I had beat my goal, it helped me to see that change can be positive and worthwhile! So my desire to improve grew and I decided to challenge myself some more! My amazing friend who has been thru EVERYTHING with me since moving to Utah decided she wanted to run as well so she motivated me to keep running! We signed up for a race got out our running shoes mapped a course and practiced our lil running hearts out!

 

 

We had a great run! Thanks Kara for showing me my potential in all! You always have a way of showing me I am worth something! :)

 

I then hiked the Tetons that has been talked about a ton already lol and then I went back to Poky a year later from the first race to see if I really had made changes and the results were: YES!!

 



I am the funniest runner ever, but here is the finish line!:) I still need to work on so much!

I took almost a minute off my time from the previous year!

Then some great co-workers encouraged me to run the dirty dash with them! A 10K obstacle course thru the mud!

 BEFORE

 AFTER

 

FINISH STRONG OR GO HOME! Right? lol

 

And now we come to yesterdays experience which brought on this blog post! I have another friend who has supported my races as a spectator and taken the pictures. She approached me after the dirty dash and said lets run a race together! So we signed up then I found out about my foot! A lot of people told me not to run but I couldn't let her down and I was running for other people yesterday! It was to support breast cancer awareness but I ran to support cancer in general!

Gerri Miller: lost her fight to pancreatic cancer March 1992 -  miss you grandma

Kim Simons: survived thyroid cancer finding out about it while pregnant with twins - love you mom

Linda Hayes: Has survived two bouts of breast cancer on both sides - thanks for helping my mom find the gospel and being there for my family!

 

Yesterdays race was hard,not gonna lie about that one! My foot was hurting and the hills were not easy! As I was starting the climb I thought to myself why am I doing this? But then I got to the top and was descending when it hit me! The thought came to me, could you have done that a year and a half ago? And I probably couldn't have done it! It was then as I was running that I started to ponder all the changes I have gone thru! I have been thru a lot the last few years and especially the last year and half!

 Took 34 secs off from my 2nd Poky race! :)

We did it Aly! :)

 

Changes come to all of us! It's inevitable! The horrible part at times is how they come! Mine came from being broken and made to feel I was worthless and would never be good enough for anyone. From thinking I would never amount to anything that someone would find interest in! Even thou the change came thru the most painful of ways I am so grateful for the rediscovering I have been finding in myself! I am rediscovering 1. THAT I AM WORTH IT! 2. THAT I CAN ACCOMPLISH GREAT THINGS 3. THAT EVEN THOU OTHERS HURT US, WE DON'T HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT!

 

Sure, I wish I could tell you I have also found someone who thinks that I am just as amazing as I am rediscovering for myself but not yet! And that's OK! :) Really, it is! My life isn't about what others think of me or make me feel! My life is about me and feeling good about myself! My life is about finding joy in my journey here on earth and accepting whatever lies in front of me! My life is about surrounding myself with these amazing people and so many more that have come into my life the past year! My life is about setting goals for myself and striving to accomplish them!

 

Changes are hard! Changes are no fun! This past week I endured yet another change! Sometimes letting go of things can be the hardest challenge of all about the change! But by letting go we are only opening up ourselves for a beautiful journey of rediscoveries! So embrace the change! Love the change! And always remember we are never alone thru the changes of life! Find your support team, push yourself to greater heights, and keep putting one foot in front of the other!

 

You might just rediscover the person you always had the potential to be! And that's the greatest CHANGE of all! So is change good? If you look for the positives of it then YES IT IS!!! :) 







Ultimate Cat Lover? Say What?

Once I started mending more from the broken heart I realized it was time to put myself out there again and start seeings who available and broaden my horizons. After another failed relationship which with that one I should have gone with my gut feeling on and never let progress but we know me and I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt I decided I needed a new route. Not gonna lie but its not the easiest to find a soulmate per say when you live in Provo Utah and 32 and single. Everyone under the sun had been pushing me towards on-line dating. The push started right after the heartache came. People didn't want to see me in so much pain and agony. I just couldn't bring myself to do it but then almost 6 months ago I decided to take the plunge and enter into the virtual world of on-line dating. The following is what I found:

First let me tell you about my profile! My amazing photography friend Kenna took my picture during an activity we had. She secretly did a mini photoshoot of me while teaching a lesson and using me as her example. What can I say we are clever. P.S. my dear friend if you ever read this I'd love to see the other pictures hint hint. :) Anywho she fell in love with this picture because she tells me she did not do any touch ups to it at all. This is straight off the camera and she said it totally needed to be my profile picture:

So after placing the picture I had to TALK about myself! Really???? This is something I struggle with but since I was going to do this I decided I had to put my all out there. I decided to let people know where I stand religiously and what I my interest where.

SO................ My profile screamed of the following rather clearly:

 

1. It stated not only am I a mormon but I'm a die hard molly mormon. Like one of those mormons who attends the temple regularly because she works there one night a week. Like not only do I attend church but I actually stay for all 3 hours and on top of that I do my best to fulfill my calling to the best of my ability and attend meetings on Sunday and throughout the week.

 

2. It talked of my mission and how important it was to me and the impact it had on my life.

 

3. It talked about my interest of how I enjoy the outdoors and my love of hiking and being in the mountains. It talked of my obsession of waterfalls and how I like to search them out. It talked about my enjoyment of snowshoeing in the winter.

 

4. It talked about how I was trying to run more and wanted to become better. Basically that I want to be able to learn to run with great stride not waddle when I run. I know you are all picturing that right now! Yep, thats how I run lol

 

 

5. It talked about my LOVE of hockey and how I get excited over the fighting and the more fighting the better. What can I say, Im a lil' crazy :)

 



As you can see I was trying to show a well rounded picture of me. I may have threw in there my love of baking and reading and watching movies. Another friend read my profile after it was done and she stated, this profile describes you perfectly. If you would have had me writing it, this is what i would have written.

 

So........... based on the responses I have gotten let me ask you, where in my profile does it scream:

 

1. Yes, please send me requests to get to know you if you are 50 something and older. I always wanted a second daddy!!!! Really?

 

2. Yes, you lovingly holding your CAT in your PROFILE PICTURE really excites me! I've always wanted to be a cat lady and be second in line to your feline!!! Really?

3. Yes Mr. Cat Lovers (yes plural I have had 2 different cat lover requests) your interesting mustaches and mullet hairs and shorter shorts are just what turns me on!!! Really?

 

4. Yes, reading your ENTIRE PROFILE and only learning about your video games and your scores on your video games wants me to respond so we can what? Hook up and watch you play video games? Really?

 

5. Yes, I want to respond after reading your profile where you stated I've been with many women in my life and I know just what a women wants. You respond to me and I will give you a night you won't forget in and outside of bed!!! Really? (Not gonna lie this one really disgusted me. Especially being a LDS site)

 

6. I only want to date women who are physically fit and strive daily to keep up the curvy figure!!!!! Really? You want me to write back because why? I'm not physically fit tho working on it but why do I want to be in a relationship where this is a requirement?

 

AND FINALLY...

7. Yes, I want to move to Peru or Africa or Zimbabwe even tho you do not have a job because true love is all that matters and as long as I am in your arms and able to kiss you daily life is a perfect bliss!!! Really?

 

Now I have had people tell me that I am to picky. Am I? Is it to much to ask for someone who has a job? Is it to much to ask for someone who doesn't go against my standards and wants me in bed with them on the FIRST night? Now we all know I above most people don't worry to much about age, but 50 something and older? Is it to much to ask for someone between the ages of me and my siblings and maybe slightly younger or slightly older but not someone who is going to now be BFF's with my parents? We all know I love pets and I miss my lil dog terribly and I want to own a dog some day but having it share your space on your profile picture and you are the man? I get loving cats. Don't get me wrong there. It shows a sweet caring side but WITH YOU IN THE PICTURE AS THE FIRST THING SOMEONE SEES???



 

Above all is it to much to simply ask for a manly man, who works hard in life, whos responsible, who is respectful, who is faithful, who would love his wife and kids with all his heart, who would accept my flaws but be willing to try all the crazy things I do and/or support me in them? Just askin! :)

P.S. NOT saying he has to be Matt or Channing I just thought we needed something to look at other then the cat lover pictures stuck forever in our minds. Don't close this post thinking cat lover close this post thinking Channing! Just Sayin :)