Out With The Old In With The New.........

Is how the saying goes right? Throw out all the old habits and new years resolutions you tried to keep for maybe a month and start afresh? Well, I'm not one for following thru with all the new ideas, desires, and wishes. I think its because I set my expectations to high at times. I think this is the year, you know the year that everything is going to magically change! I'm going to magically be a size 6. I'm going to magically be debt free! I'm going to magically find the perfect guy. lol

Even tho I don't necessarily see all these new years expectations to fruition each year, as I have reflected back on this past year I can't necessarily complain how the year ended up. I accomplished so many things this year even tho it wasn't necessarily planned out last January. I have improved on my endurance and running performance, I participated in the dirty dash which was not an easy task. I not only hiked over the Tetons during a week long trip but I carried all my own gear and food. I competed in more races then I thought would and I lost weight and inches FINALLY after many years of wanting to.

So I have pondered what do I want to accomplish this year? I plan to keep up my work out routine but I'm not setting anything specific to it because I have learned that my body has a mind of its own and the weight and inches will come off on its own time! I still plan to run races. And if I get invited back to the brother's trip then there is a chance I might go again. So what else could I do?

The more I pondered I have realized there is something personal I want to work on. Even tho I try not to show it very often I have realized that I have been in a dark place for awhile now and I have noticed it has started to creep out and show itself more and more and its something that needs to be fixed. I have a jaded view on so many perspectives of life. In my relatively young life I have witnessed more things then anyone my age with my degree should have to see. I graduated with a degree in Health Education with the thought I would get a job and help people improve their health. Although that was a great thought in theory, I have walked down a very different path. Even tho I don't regret my career path because I have learned so many valuable lessons I have come to realize that all these jobs have taken a toll on my thought process and sadly I don't view the world the same anymore.

It started out little over 7 years ago, I accepted a job as the Outreach Coordinator for a non-profit organization and I was in charge of the 24-7 crisis line for domestic violence, rape, sexual assault, and suicide attempts. As part of this position I would go out with police officers at any given hour day or night and speak with individuals who had been victims of domestic violence. I saw more black and blue bodies then any single girl in her 20's would want to see. I would sit with rape victims hiding in their closet to scared to talk to anyone but me because the police officer trying to assist was man and a man had just taken advantage of her. I would hold young girl's hands in the E.R. as rape kits were performed so they could collect evidence. I would spend hours on the phone setting up suicide contracts with individuals praying they would call back when they promised me they would and that I would not have to call the cops and assume the worse. I would sit in court rooms with victims as their perpetrator would stare them down while in chains.

After a year and a half of this job I worked with individuals recovering from drug and alcohol issues. I listened to the craziest meth stories ever. I would see people I would spend hours with relapse after watching them succeed to relapse over and over because of an addiction at that moment was stronger then them. I worked with grown men on federal parole for horrible crazy drug related crimes who honestly felt they were dealt with in justly. I would drug test women on federal parole thru urine samples and they would show up with young young children. I would watch and listen to people lie to me over and over because they would say things that they thought I wanted to hear instead of the truth. My heart would just break with each story from both jobs as I realized there was more to this world then the little bubble I grew up in. I would see people hurting from others, I would see people hurting because their addiction had such a control on them. I would see people who just didn't care how their actions hurt others or people who thought they were truly justified in the things they did. The more I saw the more my eyes opened. The more hurt and sadness I witnessed daily the less positive and happiness I saw.

After a year at this job I accepted a job working with infectious diseases not really understanding what the job would entail. During this job I would tell people of infectious diseases they had. Some diseases could be cleared however other diseases have life long consequences. It breaks my heart to tell an individual that they have HIV and to see the tears silently roll down their face. It breaks my heart to know someone has HIV and they don't care and continue to live a careless life. I work with people who continuously cheat on their partners and would rather risk infecting their partners with a disease then wear protection or tell the partner and have the partner find out they have another life. I would hear story after story of so many people being infected with diseases and distrust and hurt and betrayal. People come in and see me and would say, "I thought I knew this person so well. I never thought I would end up in your office." Male and female would come into my office. I would see people struggle with identity vs what the world would want them to be. I witnessed tears after tears as they would tell me their stories and struggling to figure out what was best for them.

I still work with this job on a limited basis but now I am more in a prevention side. A little bit happier side to life but I still work with people who struggle with addictions. I work with teenagers who are in trouble for smoking and I teach them a cessation class. Most of them do not want to be there and therefore they are not the nicest of people. After 7 years of seeing these different perspectives to life I have come to realize I question everything. In some of these situation people would constantly lie to me that I now can pick up on lying so easily. If I don't pick it up immediately I question if they are lying and when I find out they are its so hard to trust again. I wonder at times if there is any decency left in the world. Is there any good? Are there decent people out there? I have seen so much negativity out there that I wonder at times where is all the positive?

I use to be such a fun loving person who only saw the good in others and thought the world was a happy blissful place. Like I said I am grateful for what I have learned because it has given me a different perspective and opened my eyes to so much. But at the same time being a single gal my view has been tainted and jaded. Some times to the point that I struggle to find anything positive during the day. Some times I am teased for wanting to get married so badly but honestly it has been really hard to deal with each of these situations on a daily basis them come home to a cold and lonely and empty apartment and wonder if there is anyone decent in the world. It would be so nice to have a shoulder to lean on and tell them of the sadness and to have them hold me in their arms and remind me of the positives out there that I struggle to remember. Some times the the cold dark loneliness just sucks you in when the day also seems so cold and dark and lonely as well.

Marriage may come but it may not as well. I may never get that shoulder to lean on, those arms around me to tell me it will all be okay. But I also know I need to strive daily to remember all the good and positives out there as well. So my goal this year is to truly seek to remember the good and positive in the world. Not to let the negative consume me so much that I keep my heart and love hidden and locked up. My goal is to trust more and to believe that I can truly trust someone and that I won't be hurt or mislead.

How to accomplish this? I am not sure. I have pondered this for awhile now. I believe in God and I know he is there no matter what. I have never doubted him but I think I can trust him a little more and have more faith in my belief that he holds me and my life in the palm of his hand. I can trust more that he has a specific plan for me and it will be better then I have ever imagined. I can begin and end each day counting my blessings. I can go thru the day daily striving to find something positive out of each situation. I can strive to find more positives in every person I encounter. I can strive to laugh daily and to truly focus on smiling more. I can reach out of this jaded view that surrounds me and serve more and give more freely and even tho I could still possibly go home to a cold and lonely apartment I can continue to bring light and love and positiveness into it.

Changing ones view and thought process is not easy. I have seen people the last 7 years who go down one track and not think they can ever change. However I do believe there can be change. I do believe that somehow somewhere I will find this happiness and I hope to take this next year to accomplish this challenge! I am ready to prove my current jaded mind that it is wrong! I am ready to find people and continue to be around people who continually show me the positiveness in the world, the good in the world, the happiness in the world.

My goal: next year this time to write of all the positive amazing happy moments I have experienced in 2013. To write of the good I saw in the world. To write of the people who influenced my life and willing to take me by the hand and help me see the wonderful side of life. To write of the moments I laughed, and smiled, and maybe even cried some happy tears.

So out with the jaded and saddened and trodden down view of life and in with a new energetic and positive outlook on life and in with as many wonderful people who care to embrace this challenge with me and help me see the world for not only what it is but what it has the potential to be. For people who are willing to show me what it is to see life on a brighter view. I still plan to do what I do job wise because I know there was a reason I was lead down this path but I plan to not let it affect my thought process to the point that I can't see any good in the world! :)

Heres to a Happy New 2013 Year!!!!! :)