Pretty much sums up my day today. Today the project is isn't going so well. Ok, I will admit it. Today its HARD! Nothing is going right.
Oh, I put on the "perma-grin" and I talked about the joys of being happy and finding our own personal happiness but today I just wasn't feeling it. Today the smile was a mask! A mask to my frustration and not being able to see things long distantly and struggling to accept my life as it is today!
Today's blog might just be a vent session but I don't have anyone to turn to at the moment so my thoughts need to get on paper and out of my head.
Where did the negative nanny in me start? I think it came from a busy week, a headache that has lasted all week, and very little sleep.
Friday night I was looking at Facebook and I saw all my friends with their cute lil' baby bumps and then some of them have actually delivered. A few more had engagement pictures up and some had posted pictures of recent weddings. A few more were even commenting on their houses.
Most of the time I am ELATED for them and so excited to see their happiness! Seeing their happiness actually makes me happy if that makes sense. But not this weekend. Thoughts have been mulling around in my head. I have PRAYED SO MUCH this weekend for these thoughts to leave. In church a man talked about the purpose of our trials and then in class we talked about finding our "happily ever after" Both were EXCELLENT and I am grateful for each of their inspiration but my mind wouldn't let those thoughts sink in! Instead my mind kept screaming as loudly as it could in my head:
When do I get my eternal happily ever after?
It says to follow Gods plan. I AM!!! What more does he ask of me?
Why couldn't my mom help her lil girl plan a wedding when we were both younger?
Will she ever know that experience?
Will my dad get his daddy/daughter dance at his only daughters wedding?
Will I ever know the pains and sickness and joys of being pregnant?
Will I ever hold an infant in my arms and know they are LITERALLY mine?
Will I get my small town country life that I have been dreaming of since I was a lil girl?
Will I get my house with acreage for lil'children to play in?
Will I get my garden of wild flowers?
Will I get my white picket fence?
Does true love even exist?
How will I know when a man says things to me that he TRULY means it?
How will I know hes not just playing with my emotions and just saying things to say it?
How will I know hes just not using me for better gain for himself?
Why can't I go after the situations that keep popping up in front of me?
Will it ever feel right?
Why are some people privileged to be married and yet all they do is complain about their spouse?
Why do some people have the world at their finger tips yet they still aren't happy?
Why do some flaunt their "woes" for sympathy while the rest of us dig down our heels and work to better our situation but the ones who flaunt seem to have bread handed to them?
Will I ever know the joys of being debt free?
Will I ever know what its not like to struggle until I get to my next paycheck?
Will a man ever put his arms around me and hold me because REALLY cares?
Is there anyone out there who is willing to take the time to truly care and listen?
Will I ever have the priesthood in my home regularly?
Will I always have to wait until I see my family to ask for a blessing of comfort?
Does anyone know how hard it is to smile when you want to crumble and cry on someones shoulder but you never will because you have to be the strong one, the confident one, the one who always has it together?
Some days I really struggle to be the strong one! Some days its hard to say I am "fine" when deep down I am hurting! Some days I wonder why I have been led down the path I have and why I chose some of the decisions I have made?
The more I try to be "good" the harder the adversary is working on me! I am reading my scriptures! I am praying! Oh man do I pray like no ones business! I seek for service opportunities! I have found countless positive moments and happy days. But today my mind refuses to go there! :(
Today I can't! I can't look past this mental block! It is fighting me so hard and won't give me a break!
So today I am venting to my blog! I am releasing the thoughts in my head! I am writing them down in hopes they will not plague my mind any more! Today I am hoping by reaching out to the only tangible thing I have , my writing, that I can sort thru the mess in my head and start afresh tomorrow. Today I may cry a little or I may not. Right now I just feel frustrated, irritable, and sad.
Today may be the day I curl up in a blanket with oreos and milk.
Cause tomorrow I want to believe again that my happily ever after will come! I want to believe again that all good things come to those who patiently wait and endure well. I want to believe that a man who is true and honest will come into my life. I want to believe that a man will not think he can take lightly and say things without meaning it to me that I really so desperately want to hear from a man some day. I want to believe again that I will get my house out in the country! I want to believe again that I will experience feet pitter patting across the floor and laughter echoing off the walls! I want to believe again that my white picket fence will come! I want to believe again that there will be someone out there one day who will comfort me when I need comfort, provide me with a blessing of strength and encouragement. I want to believe again when I wake up tomorrow that I am going forth with my smile on my face and that its real and genuine and that tomorrows smile is not a mask but one that is full of hope towards my future!
Tomorrows smile will be REAL! It will be GENUINE! I refuse to let this moment consume me! It will be but a moment and nothing more!
No comments:
Post a Comment