Yo Dude, You On Dope or Somethin?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!

A month ago I set out on a journey with a New Year’s Resolution. As I blogged a month ago I have seen so many negatives in my life. On top of that enduring a heart break a couple of years ago really sent me on a downward spiral. The more I let life consume me the further I was falling down, down, down to a place I didn’t want to me. I didn’t like me very much and I didn’t like what I saw when I looked into the world. From my jaded perspective everyone and everything was negative, gross, ugly, and sadly I was getting to the point where I was beginning to believe there really was nothing good or positive in this world.

I was talking to my mom on New Year’s Eve as I was helping her get ready for her date with my dad and I mentioned, “Is there really anything good out there? I mean I want to see happiness but it seems so hard to do so.” She responds, “Yay it seems at times God has kind of jipped you of your desires.” After she said that I pondered that statement. A part of me wants to agree with her but then I started thinking of all the times I have noticed God in my life and the positives he has helped me to see. The more I thought of that the more I wanted to recognize the positives on a consistent manner.

So that night I decided to start a project to help fix my jaded and sad perspective. First I needed a name! The name took a while to come but within a couple of weeks I decided to coin it the: choo-choo trains and perma grins project.

WHY: Well over the holidays I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with the nieces and the nephews and it was a lot of fun. One day my brother told me that I am really good with kids and then jokingly said, Well if life doesn’t change for us in the next couple of years why don’t we move in together and you can help me raise my kids. Lol Then this past month I have had a few different opportunities to interact with little children and the simplest things can make them so happy. All they want is for you to play with them and make them feel special. Who would have thought playing cars on a train track could be so much fun? In case you are wondering it’s a blast. J Not only that but the cuddles and laughter that come from little children are priceless. To have a 6 year old crawl out of bed with crocodile tears because she was missing her mom and to have her crawl into lap for cuddles just melts your heart. To distract her from being sad we talked about school, friends, and everything else under the sun. Then another time to have a 2 year old not even 10 minutes after his mom left to instantly crawl into your lap while his sister was still asleep upstairs with his car and a pen and a notebook and want to color with you and play cars on your lap and to be content with his head on your chest for a good 30 minutes really got me thinking about my future and what I want from it. This my friends is what I want. I want cuddles and laughter playing with dolls and ponies. I want to spend my days on the floor racing cars. But in order to get there, there needs to be some changes in which the second part of the title will be explained shortly.

 

THE PLAN: Honestly I didn’t have a true plan in the beginning. It sort have evolved and is continuing to evolve as time goes on. But this is what has helped me so far:

1.  Recognize the positives - I saw something on facebook via pinterest where you put all the positive and happy moments in a jar for an entire year. Honestly working two jobs and a busy church calling I have been slacking in writing them on a piece of paper but I have daily stopped and recognized the positives from the day and it has totally started to change my perspective. Some of the positives: 1. Hung out with Aubrey went to dinner and had a girls night and had a totally open heart to heart talk about life and its hardships and the positives we are trying to find from the hardships. 2. Received a funny text from Sarai that made me laugh on the freeway all the way from Spanish Fork to Lehi. 3. Had the most spiritual Sunday then I have experienced in a long time. It was truly what my soul needed. From a testimony being born in my class to hearing all the talks tonight of what it means to stand in holy places. 4. I held the cutest baby tonight during a church meeting and rocked her to sleep. 5. My class generated a discussion in class today. 6. I was reminded by parents and a good friend today that there are amazing helpful people in the world. 6. Had an enjoyable dinner with my neighbors. 7. Teenage girls are hilarious. Laughed so hard tonight I actually have a side ache. What is so awesome about this list is that it can continue to go on and on and on. I have really searched this past month for something positive from every day and guess what? I have found it! Even if it’s just one thing each day! J

2.  Perma-grin – Now this has been a challenge yet the funniest part of the journey thus far. Attempt to have a grin on your face 24/7!!!!! Wow, this totally changes your outlook on life. If you feel happy and appear happy then strangely the world around you seems happier. Crazy huh? Lol! When I told my mom what I was doing I said I sit in meetings and have this stupid perma-grin on my face and a secretly challenge myself to see how long I can keep it on. I said I’m sure people think I am such a dork. Because you know there are those weirdos out there who ALWAYS have a smile on their face. She responds laughing, “Ya I bet they look at you and think ‘Yo dude you on dope or somethin’ “ J Now do I recommend this to everyone? Yes and No. For me personally I needed to do this because it is what got me starting to feel happy. But smiling 24/7 is exhausting! Just Sayin! J After two weeks of doing this I was so tired and exhausted. I told my mom by the end of the month I better have cheeks of steel from all the smiling but that I was so tired. She reminded me it was better than the alternative so the perma-grin continues. Yes, I have gotten some funny stares from people, and when I do it at church meetings I try not to look specifically at people but I think a few people have thought I was staring directly at them with this goofy doped up grin haha! But it is honestly contagious. I catch myself randomly now throughout the day smiling. Smiling for no particular reason at all. In fact as I am writing I am laughing and smiling over my perma-grin project and the effect it has had on me. One time I was smiling while a group of men were singing the next day when one of the men saw me he totally smiled at me. Perma-grins for me have become a life-saver. I love that I am smiling and laughing again! Something inside of me is waking up again and it feels great!

 

3.  Have a support team- Honestly again just the way I am I wasn’t going to tell anyone about my project. I didn’t want people to know just how messed up I am. But thru the promptings of the Spirit I ended up telling two friends about my project and I am so grateful for their support when I tell them my funny moments and when I sometimes tell them my hard moments. My other support has been my mom actually. We are close but there are times when I feel we are far apart. Part of it is for the fact she doesn’t handle emotion very well and unfortunately life has dealt me such hard negative moments that I tend to be more emotional then she can handle so it’s hard for us. But once I told her I was going to do this she has called to check up on me, when we talk we are both positive and happy during the conversation and her text messages keep telling me to stick with it. I mean it’s kind of sad when you are talking to your mom almost bouncing off the wall from the happiness you feel as you tell her how the Spirit seems to talk to me more the past three weeks and I have a stronger desire to help these young women succeed and then I have all these thoughts for my lessons at church then when I pray for help and guidance with my class at UVU and thoughts pop into my head it’s just amazing and your mom injects halfway thru and says, “Can I just tell you how happy I am you are doing this? I feel it has been an answer to a prayer. Sarah you above anyone else have every right to feel the negative and the sadness you have felt. You have seen more sadness then anyone I know your age and you have endured so much pain but girl you were starting to freak me out. You were NEVER happy anymore. In fact your dad came to me not to long ago and said I don’t think that girl will find love again. I didn’t know he could mess up her heart as bad as he did” When you hear comments like this and you realize how evident your views and pains are to others and how you are affecting them, it’s a true eye opener.

4.  Increase the spirituality – By this I have been attempting to have more meaningful prayers with my Father in Heaven. I plead for his help, comfort, and insight daily. I seek to recognize him in my life and each moment I do, I try to stop right there and thank him for the good positive and happy moment I just had or felt. I feel as if I am talking to a truly loving Father and he is quickly becoming a better friend then he ever has been before. I am attempting to read spiritual things more. I read talks from my church leaders and I attempt to be more diligent in my scripture reading. When thoughts and impressions come into my mind I have been striving to act upon them as quickly as possible. I have also been working on having more order in my home. I have been striving to keep it a cleaner and a happier environment to go home to. A place despite the cold & loneliness there is one that can be a happy home and one filled with excitement.

 

 

5.  Limit the Negative Nannys – We all know who those people are right? That they NEVER find anything happy in life! Each time they talk to you they are complaining about one thing or another and NEVER anything positive. I have been told I am a great listener and I appreciate that and I really want to be there for others. But sometimes “misery loves company” and some of the negative nannys out there really bring you down. I already view the world negatively so when I associate with others who view it that way, the downward spiral of thinking continues and continues. It has been hard to be “selfish” because I try not to be but this month I have limited my conversations with some of the negative nannys out there. I am still there for them and respond when they seek me out but I am doing all I can to not let their negativeness affect me!

IS IT WORKING? I really think it is. I feel myself smiling more than I have in a LONG time and laughing. I have really missed laughing! I love moments when I get the giggles and I can’t stop! J It makes me feel so good! I have an even stronger desire to be there for those young women and my love for them has grown immensely the last few weeks. I love my counselors and the way they strive to be there for the young women as well. I have felt more in tuned with the love from my Father in Heaven. My relationships with others are stronger and happier. I see so many POSITIVES in the world in just the 4 weeks I have been doing this. This is a feeling I don’t ever ever ever want to lose!

 

IS IT PERFECT? Ummm…… NO! The past 4 weeks I have learned that it can be exhausting to make changes and that I need to role with the punches. The other night I was SO SO tired I had reached exhaustion. In fact I was texting my little brother and I said I am so tired I want to cry but I have nothing to cry about! He said go sleep and I will pray for you! J Working on changing myself and my perspective at the exact same time I started working 2 jobs and carrying on a busy church calling may not have been the most ideal for some people but for me I knew it was time and I just had to jump in. Then there are moments when the adversary jumps in and does what it can to bring you back down to misery. Wednesday this week came and it came with a VENGANCE! On Tuesday I went to the foot doctor found out I have a good chance of developing arthritis in my feet then I walk out into the snowstorm and my car wouldn’t start. I pulled the key out, except only part of it came. My key BROKE OFF IN THE IGNITION! I am seriously cursed with cars haha! So I called a great friend who came to the rescue. They attempted everything they could then they called the locksmith to come. During the whole process I was calm and no freak out moments and was just rolling with the punches. It was like an automatic thing. It was kinda cool actually how okay I felt with it all. Then the locksmith gave us the bill and I pulled out my card and my friend questioned if I had the money. I confidentially acknowledged that I did and paid the locksmith. Two hours later as I was driving to Spanish Fork it hit me like a ton of bricks just what a brilliant idiot I really am! I have been wondering for a couple of days where this “extra” money had come from. Well, when I did my finances for the month I completely forgot to add in my car insurance that automatically comes out of my account, so honestly NO I didn’t have the money AT all! But despite all that I was still relatively calm and in good spirits. That night I dug through my pennies and bought me some chocolate milk because that solves everything J and I went to bed. I woke up Wednesday and every muscle in my body ached. It hurt to move. Then the snow put me later to work then I was expecting. Then I was heading to UVU to administer my test and I did a 360 going over the Provo Center Street overpass. SCARY MOMENT! Then as I was rushing in to give the test I get stopped and was informed they would be evaluating me on Friday and asking my students what they really think of me and if they really think I know what I am doing and if I am helping or hindering their education! As if I wasn’t already having a heart attack lets add this on right? Then some other items came up so I was late getting back to work, had a million emails to respond to and people with a million of questions. Got home 5 minutes before my house filled up with 7 sweethearts. But not even they could shake me out of my negative thinking. Everything I was fighting against came back on Wednesday and came back hard. All the negative thoughts, I felt ugly! I felt frumpy! I automatically assumed the worst about the evaluation that hadn’t even taken place yet! I felt like I couldn’t do anything right! It was horrible! The more I tried to pray the harder it was for words to come out! I learned from this experience that days are going to be hard but the key is to pick yourself right back up and to not let it affect you for long! So let’s just say Wednesday came but Wednesday has also gone along with all of its negativeness.

AM I GIVING UP? – Ummm…… No! There is too much good happening to let one set back throw me off my goal. Besides my parents have always taught me to go big or go home. Either put my all into it or don’t bother. J Also not only do I want to be happy just to be happy but someday I really want choo-choo train moments permanently and I will only get there if I fix myself first. Even though the wall around my heart at times is barricaded with barbwire and I am SO SCARED to reach out and trust someone, I REALLY want to. Deep down behind the negative thinking I am actually a hopeless romantic. I want someone who loves me for me to surprise me with flowers delivered to my office someday. I want to go home to someone and hang out in our old sweatshirts and talk about our hard days work. I want snuggles from lil’ ones and cuddles from him! I want to find my best friend! I want to know that he will be there for me thru thick and thin and that no matter what I will ALWAYS have him at my side! I want “good morning beautiful” comments and “I love you” and good night kisses!  I want to get to the point that I will believe all this really will happen. I don’t want to question motives. I don’t want to be with someone who’s only description of me is she’s hot I wonder how far I can get with her. I don’t want to be with someone who thinks my life is in shambles right now so I want to be with Sarah who is my “outlet” but I don’t want to pursue anything else with her. I don’t want to be with someone who has no intention of developing anything with me but only uses me because she is good cook, or she has great movies, or she’s funny, or she has a good job! I want to find someone who is willing to dig deep down through the mess I am and love me for no other reason than the fact I’m ME! And love and appreciate me with my flaws and at the same time willing to help me grow and be a better person. I want to be with someone who I can open up to completely, with my soul, my thoughts and most importantly with heart and know that he will cherish it every day and won’t do anything to break it apart again!