Ok, so we all know those girls who are emotional ALL the time right? Just watch a freakin episode of the Bachelor if you don't know what I mean! Seriously!!!! At times it was blessing having just brothers! Just Sayin!
I'll admit I get emotional! I'm a woman unfortunately it happens! But I try to not be the one that everyone thinks "What's her next issue today?????" "What is her complaint of the day????" I'll admit I've been through some hard times. We all have! Its the facts of life!
But some times those crazy hormones God so lovingly gave us just get out of wack for a day or so and we have NO explanation! It just happens and today........ was MY day!
I have been dealing with a headache for 3 days but I slept good for the most part despite the fact I have been dealing with a few decisions the last couple of days that aren't easy decisions to make! I LOVED and I mean LOVED my scripture reading time this morning. I re-learned the importance of opposition in all things. I had the "ah-ha" moment that I think we experience the bad in life so we can more fully appreciate the good and it makes the blessings even sweeter when we recognize them. I re-learned the importance of standing straight and pure with God at all times. I re-learned the importance of always having the gates of hell closed around us and always striving to be in the Light of Christ! I mean seriously, it was an AWESOME early morning "remembering" moment. Then on top of that I had a great conversation with my Father in Heaven and I discussed with him some recent frustrations I have been dealing with and seeking for ways to go about it and life was grand!
By the time I got to work the headache was magnifying, the stomach was feeling nasty, and it just started tumbling into craziness!!!
Girls + Emotions + Hormones = Crazy Moments!!!!
I'm sitting there and the feelings are worsening by the moment. The more I stared at the computer the harder it was to concentrate. Typing emails was a strain! Talking to be people was a chore!
I had music playing out of habit and then all of the sudden Taylor Swift was singing "I miss the gap between your teeth" and I LOST it! The tears welled up in my eyes!!!! Are you freakin kiddin me???? What the??????? I was like that is so sweet yet so sad!!!! I knew at that moment that it was just an off whacked out hormonal day! Crying over the dudes gapped teeth in a song? Seriously hormones are so CRAZY!!!!! Hello, NO reason for tears! Seriously!
So a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do! Reach out to those who get you! Seriously God puts certain people in our lives for a specific reason: To tell us they understand these crazy moments and make us laugh because they have the same moments! So grateful I have certain people in my who TRULY get me and truly understands whacked out hormonal days!
By 1pm I was in serious debate: Go home and let the strange unexplainable emotions ride themselves out or get in the car and drive to Salt Lake for another meeting!
So then a girl does the second best thing in life and I down 2 excedrine migraine and a 44 oz coke and I hit the road! Not gonna lie driving thru Utah County was a little crazy with a pounding headache and psycho emotions but made it to Salt Lake sat thru a VERY interesting meeting which I think warrants it own blog post and by the time I was heading back to my car this girl was flying high like the morning didn't even exist!
Then I do the third best thing I could today and that was cook dinner for my neighbors and spend the evening chilling with them!
Seriously, hormones you are SO WEIRD AND CRAZY AND WHACKED OUT SOMEDAYS!!!!! I don't get them and why they play with our emotions!
So the next time you cry over some guy's gapped teeth in a song for NO apparent reason use the miracle drug: a true and amazing friend, 2 excedrine, 44 oz coke, and a 40 minute drive and put those hormones out of their misery!
So thankful today's weird moments are over with! And lets pray they don't come back anytime soon cause seriously how many times do you REALLY need to get emotional over his gap between his teeth?????????
A month ago I set
out on a journey with a New Year’s Resolution. As I blogged a month ago I have
seen so many negatives in my life. On top of that enduring a heart break a
couple of years ago really sent me on a downward spiral. The more I let life
consume me the further I was falling down, down, down to a place I didn’t want
to me. I didn’t like me very much and I didn’t like what I saw when I looked
into the world. From my jaded perspective everyone and everything was negative,
gross, ugly, and sadly I was getting to the point where I was beginning to believe
there really was nothing good or positive in this world.
I was talking to
my mom on New Year’s Eve as I was helping her get ready for her date with my
dad and I mentioned, “Is there really anything good out there? I mean I want to
see happiness but it seems so hard to do so.” She responds, “Yay it seems at
times God has kind of jipped you of your desires.” After she said that I
pondered that statement. A part of me wants to agree with her but then I
started thinking of all the times I have noticed God in my life and the
positives he has helped me to see. The more I thought of that the more I wanted
to recognize the positives on a consistent manner.
So that night I
decided to start a project to help fix my jaded and sad perspective. First I
needed a name! The name took a while to come but within a couple of weeks I
decided to coin it the: choo-choo trains
and perma grins project.
WHY: Well over the holidays I had the opportunity to spend a lot
of time with the nieces and the nephews and it was a lot of fun. One day my
brother told me that I am really good with kids and then jokingly said, Well if
life doesn’t change for us in the next couple of years why don’t we move in
together and you can help me raise my kids. Lol Then this past month I have had
a few different opportunities to interact with little children and the simplest
things can make them so happy. All they want is for you to play with them and
make them feel special. Who would have thought playing cars on a train track
could be so much fun? In case you are wondering it’s a blast. J Not only that but the cuddles and laughter
that come from little children are priceless. To have a 6 year old crawl out of
bed with crocodile tears because she was missing her mom and to have her crawl
into lap for cuddles just melts your heart. To distract her from being sad we
talked about school, friends, and everything else under the sun. Then another
time to have a 2 year old not even 10 minutes after his mom left to instantly
crawl into your lap while his sister was still asleep upstairs with his car and
a pen and a notebook and want to color with you and play cars on your lap and
to be content with his head on your chest for a good 30 minutes really got me
thinking about my future and what I want from it. This my friends is what I
want. I want cuddles and laughter playing with dolls and ponies. I want to
spend my days on the floor racing cars. But in order to get there, there needs
to be some changes in which the second part of the title will be explained
shortly.
THE PLAN: Honestly I didn’t have a true plan in the
beginning. It sort have evolved and is continuing to evolve as time goes on.
But this is what has helped me so far:
1.Recognize
the positives - I saw
something on facebook via pinterest where you put all the positive and happy
moments in a jar for an entire year. Honestly working two jobs and a busy
church calling I have been slacking in writing them on a piece of paper but I
have daily stopped and recognized the positives from the day and it has totally
started to change my perspective. Some of the positives: 1. Hung out with
Aubrey went to dinner and had a girls night and had a totally open heart to
heart talk about life and its hardships and the positives we are trying to find
from the hardships. 2. Received a funny text from Sarai that made me laugh on
the freeway all the way from Spanish Fork to Lehi. 3. Had the most spiritual Sunday
then I have experienced in a long time. It was truly what my soul needed. From
a testimony being born in my class to hearing all the talks tonight of what it
means to stand in holy places. 4. I held the cutest baby tonight during a
church meeting and rocked her to sleep. 5. My class generated a discussion in
class today. 6. I was reminded by parents and a good friend today that there
are amazing helpful people in the world. 6. Had an enjoyable dinner with my
neighbors. 7. Teenage girls are hilarious. Laughed so hard tonight I actually
have a side ache. What is so awesome about this list is that it can continue to
go on and on and on. I have really searched this past month for something
positive from every day and guess what? I have found it! Even if it’s just one
thing each day! J
2.Perma-grin
– Now this has been a
challenge yet the funniest part of the journey thus far. Attempt to have a grin
on your face 24/7!!!!! Wow, this totally changes your outlook on life. If you
feel happy and appear happy then strangely the world around you seems happier.
Crazy huh? Lol! When I told my mom what I was doing I said I sit in meetings
and have this stupid perma-grin on my face and a secretly challenge myself to
see how long I can keep it on. I said I’m sure people think I am such a dork. Because
you know there are those weirdos out there who ALWAYS have a smile on their
face. She responds laughing, “Ya I bet they look at you and think ‘Yo dude you
on dope or somethin’ “ J Now do I
recommend this to everyone? Yes and No. For me personally I needed to do this
because it is what got me starting to feel happy. But smiling 24/7 is
exhausting! Just Sayin! J After two
weeks of doing this I was so tired and exhausted. I told my mom by the end of
the month I better have cheeks of steel from all the smiling but that I was so
tired. She reminded me it was better than the alternative so the perma-grin
continues. Yes, I have gotten some funny stares from people, and when I do it
at church meetings I try not to look specifically at people but I think a few
people have thought I was staring directly at them with this goofy doped up
grin haha! But it is honestly contagious. I catch myself randomly now throughout
the day smiling. Smiling for no particular reason at all. In fact as I am
writing I am laughing and smiling over my perma-grin project and the effect it
has had on me. One time I was smiling while a group of men were singing the
next day when one of the men saw me he totally smiled at me. Perma-grins for me
have become a life-saver. I love that I am smiling and laughing again!
Something inside of me is waking up again and it feels great!
3.Have
a support team- Honestly
again just the way I am I wasn’t going to tell anyone about my project. I didn’t
want people to know just how messed up I am. But thru the promptings of the
Spirit I ended up telling two friends about my project and I am so grateful for
their support when I tell them my funny moments and when I sometimes tell them
my hard moments. My other support has been my mom actually. We are close but
there are times when I feel we are far apart. Part of it is for the fact she
doesn’t handle emotion very well and unfortunately life has dealt me such hard
negative moments that I tend to be more emotional then she can handle so it’s
hard for us. But once I told her I was going to do this she has called to check
up on me, when we talk we are both positive and happy during the conversation
and her text messages keep telling me to stick with it. I mean it’s kind of sad
when you are talking to your mom almost bouncing off the wall from the
happiness you feel as you tell her how the Spirit seems to talk to me more the
past three weeks and I have a stronger desire to help these young women succeed
and then I have all these thoughts for my lessons at church then when I pray
for help and guidance with my class at UVU and thoughts pop into my head it’s
just amazing and your mom injects halfway thru and says, “Can I just tell you
how happy I am you are doing this? I feel it has been an answer to a prayer.
Sarah you above anyone else have every right to feel the negative and the sadness
you have felt. You have seen more sadness then anyone I know your age and you
have endured so much pain but girl you were starting to freak me out. You were
NEVER happy anymore. In fact your dad came to me not to long ago and said I don’t
think that girl will find love again. I didn’t know he could mess up her heart
as bad as he did” When you hear comments like this and you realize how evident
your views and pains are to others and how you are affecting them, it’s a true
eye opener.
4.Increase
the spirituality – By this
I have been attempting to have more meaningful prayers with my Father in
Heaven. I plead for his help, comfort, and insight daily. I seek to recognize
him in my life and each moment I do, I try to stop right there and thank him
for the good positive and happy moment I just had or felt. I feel as if I am
talking to a truly loving Father and he is quickly becoming a better friend
then he ever has been before. I am attempting to read spiritual things more. I
read talks from my church leaders and I attempt to be more diligent in my
scripture reading. When thoughts and impressions come into my mind I have been
striving to act upon them as quickly as possible. I have also been working on
having more order in my home. I have been striving to keep it a cleaner and a
happier environment to go home to. A place despite the cold & loneliness
there is one that can be a happy home and one filled with excitement.
5.Limit
the Negative Nannys – We all
know who those people are right? That they NEVER find anything happy in life!
Each time they talk to you they are complaining about one thing or another and
NEVER anything positive. I have been told I am a great listener and I
appreciate that and I really want to be there for others. But sometimes “misery
loves company” and some of the negative nannys out there really bring you down.
I already view the world negatively so when I associate with others who view it
that way, the downward spiral of thinking continues and continues. It has been
hard to be “selfish” because I try not to be but this month I have limited my
conversations with some of the negative nannys out there. I am still there for
them and respond when they seek me out but I am doing all I can to not let
their negativeness affect me!
IS IT WORKING? I really think it is. I feel myself
smiling more than I have in a LONG time and laughing. I have really missed
laughing! I love moments when I get the giggles and I can’t stop! J It makes me feel so good! I have an even
stronger desire to be there for those young women and my love for them has
grown immensely the last few weeks. I love my counselors and the way they
strive to be there for the young women as well. I have felt more in tuned with
the love from my Father in Heaven. My relationships with others are stronger
and happier. I see so many POSITIVES in the world in just the 4 weeks I have
been doing this. This is a feeling I don’t ever ever ever want to lose!
IS IT PERFECT? Ummm…… NO! The past 4 weeks I have learned
that it can be exhausting to make changes and that I need to role with the
punches. The other night I was SO SO tired I had reached exhaustion. In fact I
was texting my little brother and I said I am so tired I want to cry but I have
nothing to cry about! He said go sleep and I will pray for you! J Working on changing myself and my
perspective at the exact same time I started working 2 jobs and carrying on a
busy church calling may not have been the most ideal for some people but for me
I knew it was time and I just had to jump in. Then there are moments when the
adversary jumps in and does what it can to bring you back down to misery. Wednesday
this week came and it came with a VENGANCE! On Tuesday I went to the foot
doctor found out I have a good chance of developing arthritis in my feet then I
walk out into the snowstorm and my car wouldn’t start. I pulled the key out,
except only part of it came. My key BROKE OFF IN THE IGNITION! I am seriously
cursed with cars haha! So I called a great friend who came to the rescue. They attempted
everything they could then they called the locksmith to come. During the whole
process I was calm and no freak out moments and was just rolling with the
punches. It was like an automatic thing. It was kinda cool actually how okay I
felt with it all. Then the locksmith gave us the bill and I pulled out my card
and my friend questioned if I had the money. I confidentially acknowledged that
I did and paid the locksmith. Two hours later as I was driving to Spanish Fork
it hit me like a ton of bricks just what a brilliant idiot I really am! I have
been wondering for a couple of days where this “extra” money had come from.
Well, when I did my finances for the month I completely forgot to add in my car
insurance that automatically comes out of my account, so honestly NO I didn’t have
the money AT all! But despite all that I was still relatively calm and in good
spirits. That night I dug through my pennies and bought me some chocolate milk
because that solves everything J and I went to bed. I woke up Wednesday and every muscle in my
body ached. It hurt to move. Then the snow put me later to work then I was
expecting. Then I was heading to UVU to administer my test and I did a 360
going over the Provo Center Street overpass. SCARY MOMENT! Then as I was
rushing in to give the test I get stopped and was informed they would be
evaluating me on Friday and asking my students what they really think of me and
if they really think I know what I am doing and if I am helping or hindering
their education! As if I wasn’t already having a heart attack lets add this on
right? Then some other items came up so I was late getting back to work, had a
million emails to respond to and people with a million of questions. Got home 5
minutes before my house filled up with 7 sweethearts. But not even they could
shake me out of my negative thinking. Everything I was fighting against came
back on Wednesday and came back hard. All the negative thoughts, I felt ugly! I
felt frumpy! I automatically assumed the worst about the evaluation that hadn’t
even taken place yet! I felt like I couldn’t do anything right! It was horrible!
The more I tried to pray the harder it was for words to come out! I learned
from this experience that days are going to be hard but the key is to pick
yourself right back up and to not let it affect you for long! So let’s just say
Wednesday came but Wednesday has also gone along with all of its negativeness.
AM I GIVING UP? – Ummm…… No! There is too much good
happening to let one set back throw me off my goal. Besides my parents have
always taught me to go big or go home. Either put my all into it or don’t bother.
J Also not only do I want to be happy just
to be happy but someday I really want choo-choo train moments permanently and I
will only get there if I fix myself first. Even though the wall around my heart
at times is barricaded with barbwire and I am SO SCARED to reach out and trust
someone, I REALLY want to. Deep down behind the negative thinking I am actually
a hopeless romantic. I want someone who loves me for me to surprise me with
flowers delivered to my office someday. I want to go home to someone and hang
out in our old sweatshirts and talk about our hard days work. I want snuggles
from lil’ ones and cuddles from him! I want to find my best friend! I want to
know that he will be there for me thru thick and thin and that no matter what I
will ALWAYS have him at my side! I want “good morning beautiful” comments and “I
love you” and good night kisses! I want
to get to the point that I will believe all this really will happen. I don’t
want to question motives. I don’t want to be with someone who’s only description
of me is she’s hot I wonder how far I can get with her. I don’t want to be with
someone who thinks my life is in shambles right now so I want to be with Sarah
who is my “outlet” but I don’t want to pursue anything else with her. I don’t want
to be with someone who has no intention of developing anything with me but only
uses me because she is good cook, or she has great movies, or she’s funny, or
she has a good job! I want to find someone who is willing to dig deep down
through the mess I am and love me for no other reason than the fact I’m ME! And
love and appreciate me with my flaws and at the same time willing to help me
grow and be a better person. I want to be with someone who I can open up to
completely, with my soul, my thoughts and most importantly with heart and know
that he will cherish it every day and won’t do anything to break it apart
again!
It all my years going to an LDS singles ward there always seemed to be that one guy. You know the one who was not only little weird but down right CREEPY??? He seemed to follow you in one form or another to each ward you attended. He was in almost every ward I attended.
Well when I graduated myself from the singles ward and into the family ward I'm not gonna lie it was a hard transition. But one thought I had, "Hey at least there won't be anymore creepy men following me around!" Little did I know not only would I be wrong but DEAD WRONG!!!!!
Now some people have varying opinions on what defines a creeper. What is creepy to some may not be to others. Some people take it as they are just extra friendly. So here are my thoughts as to why the creeper in my ward is a creeper:
1. When you begin to realize that eyes are on you and you have felt that for a few months and you finally venture your gaze to see if you are right or wrong and you totally catch the dude STARING at you! So then you start playing musical chairs around the chapel hoping you are not in the line of his view and the whole time wishing you could look in him the eye with this expression:
That is how I would define a CREEPER!
2. When he stops you outside and randomly starts talking to you about nonsense and tells you that he has increased his exercising because it has been revealed to him that he will be called on a mission to the mountains before long and knows he will be taking a wife with him. Ok, umm random and weird. THEN a few months later on another time he corners you outside and you can't break away he says, "Sure is a beautiful day outside. Nice enough day to go fishing. By the way do you like fishing?" Me: "uhhh ya its ok, I've been a few times." Him: "Really ? Would you go up to the mountains with me and go fishing? There are some beautiful hidden lakes up there that not many people know about" Me thinking: HECK NO!!!!! Me saying: "Well, I'm pretty busy person sorry I don't have much time for that kind of stuff." His response: "Well, dear we just need to change that now don't we? We need to free you up some time" Umm............ Can you say CREEPER????
3. When you are purposely talking to someone else to avoid the dude and he purposely interrupts your conversation so he can start talking to you. So now you walk all the way around the church to avoid him, you even stand in the bathroom even for 15 minutes hoping to avoid contact, or you hide in a room and spend the entire 2nd hour of church prepping the room for your 3rd hour lesson cause you know if you venture out he will find you. Or you now use your phone or electronic devise as an excuse to make you look busy so you don't have to talk to him, and you now feel this is how you approach every hallway at church:
that's what I call a CREEPER!!!!
4. When he does stop you at church and says, "So dear I just have to ask you a question, why is pretty young thing like you in our ward?" Ummm ...... how are you suppose to respond to that? I say with a forced laugh oh well you know I graduated myself from the singles ward so its automatically the next step. And he responds, "Well you are just so pretty and look so young that I'm just shocked you are in our ward. How old are you? Better yet dear why don't you guess my age?' WHAT THE WHAT???? We are not at the fair dude where you play the guessing game AND note to the wise, you NEVER converse with a woman about age!
Umm..... Can I say CREEPER!!!
5. The fact the dude calls you dear in the first place is just not right, then you find out that he has made comments that he knows God will grant him a marriage in the next 5 years is just a little out there, then he tells you often "ever since I found out about your surgery I pray for your well being" just leaves an uneasy feeling if you know what I mean. Now some may argue, hes just being NICE! Well, with all the other incidences, I just can't see it as nice, I see it as CREEPY!!!
6. And the ultimate reason why I think he is a creeper: When he stops in the hallway when you are getting something out of a closet and are clearly busy and he wants to make small talk about the weather and how happy he is to see that you are not wearing a surgical shoe any more then he says, "So I thought you lived by yourself, but I often see another female coming out of your apartment. Did you get a roommate?" WHAT THE WHAT???!!!!!????? Talk about a total freak out feeling now, knowing the dude WATCHES WHO COMES IN AND OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!!
Who does that? Well, I'll tell ya who does: A CREEPER!!!!
No wonder I had a nightmare the other night that someone broke into my house and was attacking me. No wonder I woke up in a cold sweat, heart pounding and wishing more then anything at that moment that a man was sleeping next to me in bed and how thankful I am it was just a nightmare and that I rarely ever feel scared being in my own place.
But I will say, even thou I now am the queen of musical chairs at church, and can stealth walk thru the hallways lol I am to the point that I think I will start paying men to be my boyfriend at least during church anyways haha or pay them to whisk me away anytime the creeper dude starts talking to me!
Any men out there needing extra money? Or how about a weekly supply of a plate of cookies? Just Sayin! :)
Sweet hour of Prayer! What does that mean exactly? Does it mean praying for an whole hour? Does it mean doing it publicly or quietly? Does it mean all answers will be answered immediately? I think it means having a conversation with your Father in Heaven then having Faith that he will answer what he will on his time frame.
The last couple of weeks I have focused more intently on prayers. Just not prayers but sincere prayers. I have a friend who teases (not in a bad way tho) how much I talk to God. Over the years he has become a true friend and I love to tell him everything. But recently I have wanted some changes in my life and I have spent hours and days pleading. Those specifics will come possibly in a future blog post but I have also needed his help recently to say the things he would have me say. To recognize the Spirit and act upon it when I felt it.
Two weeks ago I felt impressed to teach on the love of our Father in Heaven. I played the song, what Heaven Sees In You and asked the class if they see what heaven sees in them. I got quietness so I admitted that I struggle at times to see what Heaven sees in me. I have a hard time seeing that God sees me as this amazing person with so much potential, but one way I have come to see better is thru prayer. I love prayer.
I have seen God's hand in my life to pull me thru some of the hardest moments of my life. I have felt his love at times in my life when all I could do was cry and cry and cry some more. I have felt his hand soften anger when it seemed only anger consumed my heart. I have felt him calm my fears when I didn't think I could accomplish tasks that seemed unattainable then accomplished them.
I have also learned that with prayer I have to come to accept his will and I also have to act on faith. After I taught that lesson I was struggling with two recent situations. Coming to accept a person for who they are even tho their actions bother me and continue to show love towards them and asking God for confirmation that a certain person would fulfill an assignment appropriately. On the latter I kept asking God if this is the person he wanted, if he thought this person was the best fit. I was feeling nothing. So even tho I had a great day teaching on prayer, I went to bed frustrated and woke up frustrated.
I tend to be a slow learner at times and while in the car heading to work I had another conversation with God and this time I remembered what I taught the day before and that there are different ways to speak with God. So I changed my prayer and said, "God I choose this person to fulfill this assignment. This is the person I think will do a great job." After I said that I asked what he thought of my decision and I was filled with so much peace. Some times with prayer it takes a leap of faith. Make a decision, leap of faith and go forward with it. With the other situation each time I interact with this certain person my heart is softening.
We need to believe that God will answer our prayers. We can't always ask with doubt always in our minds. Yesterday I had to teach on two different assignments. Again I prayed for guidance and felt impressed in one assignment to speak on the importance of Christ in our live and how we can gain a testimony of his influence. I prayed all morning that everyone involved in both events yesterday would feel the Spirit and be led by it. During the first assignment I had assigned scriptures and we read the first one and I asked if anyone could relate to that personally. One person spoke of a very personal story in their life recently. After they finished I had the strongest impression share your scripture and the video now. I thought but I hadn't finished the scriptures or explained why I chose those particular scriptures but I acted upon it. Read my scripture then showed the video how a young man came to know of the importance of Christ in his life then after the video another person shared their testimony how they too came to know of the importance of the Savior in their life and how life events had led them to the spot where they are now. The Spirit was in that room yesterday and I can't deny it. It was so strong and powerful and yet so sweet at the same time. It was one of the most amazing experiences I have had in witnessing a prayer being answered by simply asking for the Spirit to be present.
An hour later I spoke on the importance of standing in holy places so one day we can ultimately stand in the holiest of places and that is the temple of God. I spoke of my mom and I driving to wrestling matches before sunrise on Saturdays to these little farm towns looking for the High School and it seemed if we found the church (LDS church) we could find the High School. So it became a little thing with the two of us and every Saturday I would tell my mom to look for the Church and we won't get lost. I told them last night if they would always look for the temple in their lives they won't get lost. I spoke of the importance of the temples and why certain temples have a special place in my heart. Everyone else who spoke last night was so in tuned with the Spirit and again the Spirit came and resided in that meeting. I can't deny that I felt its presence twice yesterday so very strong.
God hears our prayers. God wants to send answers. If we put forth faith and prepare in a manner pleasing unto him God will deliver, no matter how simple or complex the prayer is. God loves us individually and wants the best for his children here on earth. I love my conversations with him and I know he will guide me thru all things in my life. Some prayers have been answered immediately. Some prayers were answered later and some prayers have yet to be answered but God hears them all and is answering them as he sees fit.
If you had the impression to read this blog then I urge you to pray in all these things and develop that faith in God our Father in Heaven. Ask with all sincerity of heart whatever it is on your mind or in whatever you need help with. God is real and won't leave you comfortless. As you follow these things you as well will come to understand the true meaning of sweet hour of prayer!
I have been
given a different perspective on recent tragedies.
Last night my friend from
home told me about a incident by her home with a guy in a truck with a gun.
Later the guy got out of his truck shooting at the SWAT team and they shot back
and sadly killed him.
Not knowing
any of the details I responded to my friend, "What's up with all the
crazies in Pocatello? I leave and the town is now full of craziness!"
Later the incident was posted and I read what exactly had been happening. The
young man's girlfriend has been missing and he called the cops yesterday and
said he has information. During the stand out yesterday I guess he confessed to
killing her.
As I read the
story the young man's name kept sticking out in my name. Finally the pieces of
the puzzle in the back of head came together and I realized he was the little
baby we would babysit for back in the day. The young man is now 23 so its been
a long time. I remember more my mom babysitting his older brother then I do
him. I was also went to school with his half-brother.
But just
knowing that I know of the person really made me stop and think more deeply
about this tragedy. I keep thinking about his family and the pain and suffering
they must be going thru. Not only loosing a son and a brother but also
realizing that he was the reason of the tragedy of the missing woman as well.
We tend to
make comments like I did about people being "crazy" or thinking only one sided to a story or an incident but I guess
because I know of his family instead of passing judgement on anything now I
just feel sadness. Sadness that something in his life lead to this type of
behavior and ending. Sadness for his family and the things they will go thru
now as they come to cope with the situation and sadness that life seems so hard
for people that things like this seem to be the only out for them.
I keep
thinking about the saying "Don't judge a book by the cover" We don't
know the battles that people fight daily or what leads them to act the way they
do. People on both ends of this situation may or may not get the answers they are seeking
but I hope they are able to find peace with it all eventually. That they can
come to terms with the tragedy.
Above all it
has given me a moment to reflect on how I should think about a tragedy. It's
not just a tragedy on one end. But the incident on the whole is one
encompassing tragedy on so many levels.
Is how the saying goes right? Throw out all the old habits and new years resolutions you tried to keep for maybe a month and start afresh? Well, I'm not one for following thru with all the new ideas, desires, and wishes. I think its because I set my expectations to high at times. I think this is the year, you know the year that everything is going to magically change! I'm going to magically be a size 6. I'm going to magically be debt free! I'm going to magically find the perfect guy. lol
Even tho I don't necessarily see all these new years expectations to fruition each year, as I have reflected back on this past year I can't necessarily complain how the year ended up. I accomplished so many things this year even tho it wasn't necessarily planned out last January. I have improved on my endurance and running performance, I participated in the dirty dash which was not an easy task. I not only hiked over the Tetons during a week long trip but I carried all my own gear and food. I competed in more races then I thought would and I lost weight and inches FINALLY after many years of wanting to.
So I have pondered what do I want to accomplish this year? I plan to keep up my work out routine but I'm not setting anything specific to it because I have learned that my body has a mind of its own and the weight and inches will come off on its own time! I still plan to run races. And if I get invited back to the brother's trip then there is a chance I might go again. So what else could I do?
The more I pondered I have realized there is something personal I want to work on. Even tho I try not to show it very often I have realized that I have been in a dark place for awhile now and I have noticed it has started to creep out and show itself more and more and its something that needs to be fixed. I have a jaded view on so many perspectives of life. In my relatively young life I have witnessed more things then anyone my age with my degree should have to see. I graduated with a degree in Health Education with the thought I would get a job and help people improve their health. Although that was a great thought in theory, I have walked down a very different path. Even tho I don't regret my career path because I have learned so many valuable lessons I have come to realize that all these jobs have taken a toll on my thought process and sadly I don't view the world the same anymore.
It started out little over 7 years ago, I accepted a job as the Outreach Coordinator for a non-profit organization and I was in charge of the 24-7 crisis line for domestic violence, rape, sexual assault, and suicide attempts. As part of this position I would go out with police officers at any given hour day or night and speak with individuals who had been victims of domestic violence. I saw more black and blue bodies then any single girl in her 20's would want to see. I would sit with rape victims hiding in their closet to scared to talk to anyone but me because the police officer trying to assist was man and a man had just taken advantage of her. I would hold young girl's hands in the E.R. as rape kits were performed so they could collect evidence. I would spend hours on the phone setting up suicide contracts with individuals praying they would call back when they promised me they would and that I would not have to call the cops and assume the worse. I would sit in court rooms with victims as their perpetrator would stare them down while in chains.
After a year and a half of this job I worked with individuals recovering from drug and alcohol issues. I listened to the craziest meth stories ever. I would see people I would spend hours with relapse after watching them succeed to relapse over and over because of an addiction at that moment was stronger then them. I worked with grown men on federal parole for horrible crazy drug related crimes who honestly felt they were dealt with in justly. I would drug test women on federal parole thru urine samples and they would show up with young young children. I would watch and listen to people lie to me over and over because they would say things that they thought I wanted to hear instead of the truth. My heart would just break with each story from both jobs as I realized there was more to this world then the little bubble I grew up in. I would see people hurting from others, I would see people hurting because their addiction had such a control on them. I would see people who just didn't care how their actions hurt others or people who thought they were truly justified in the things they did. The more I saw the more my eyes opened. The more hurt and sadness I witnessed daily the less positive and happiness I saw.
After a year at this job I accepted a job working with infectious diseases not really understanding what the job would entail. During this job I would tell people of infectious diseases they had. Some diseases could be cleared however other diseases have life long consequences. It breaks my heart to tell an individual that they have HIV and to see the tears silently roll down their face. It breaks my heart to know someone has HIV and they don't care and continue to live a careless life. I work with people who continuously cheat on their partners and would rather risk infecting their partners with a disease then wear protection or tell the partner and have the partner find out they have another life. I would hear story after story of so many people being infected with diseases and distrust and hurt and betrayal. People come in and see me and would say, "I thought I knew this person so well. I never thought I would end up in your office." Male and female would come into my office. I would see people struggle with identity vs what the world would want them to be. I witnessed tears after tears as they would tell me their stories and struggling to figure out what was best for them.
I still work with this job on a limited basis but now I am more in a prevention side. A little bit happier side to life but I still work with people who struggle with addictions. I work with teenagers who are in trouble for smoking and I teach them a cessation class. Most of them do not want to be there and therefore they are not the nicest of people. After 7 years of seeing these different perspectives to life I have come to realize I question everything. In some of these situation people would constantly lie to me that I now can pick up on lying so easily. If I don't pick it up immediately I question if they are lying and when I find out they are its so hard to trust again. I wonder at times if there is any decency left in the world. Is there any good? Are there decent people out there? I have seen so much negativity out there that I wonder at times where is all the positive?
I use to be such a fun loving person who only saw the good in others and thought the world was a happy blissful place. Like I said I am grateful for what I have learned because it has given me a different perspective and opened my eyes to so much. But at the same time being a single gal my view has been tainted and jaded. Some times to the point that I struggle to find anything positive during the day. Some times I am teased for wanting to get married so badly but honestly it has been really hard to deal with each of these situations on a daily basis them come home to a cold and lonely and empty apartment and wonder if there is anyone decent in the world. It would be so nice to have a shoulder to lean on and tell them of the sadness and to have them hold me in their arms and remind me of the positives out there that I struggle to remember. Some times the the cold dark loneliness just sucks you in when the day also seems so cold and dark and lonely as well.
Marriage may come but it may not as well. I may never get that shoulder to lean on, those arms around me to tell me it will all be okay. But I also know I need to strive daily to remember all the good and positives out there as well. So my goal this year is to truly seek to remember the good and positive in the world. Not to let the negative consume me so much that I keep my heart and love hidden and locked up. My goal is to trust more and to believe that I can truly trust someone and that I won't be hurt or mislead.
How to accomplish this? I am not sure. I have pondered this for awhile now. I believe in God and I know he is there no matter what. I have never doubted him but I think I can trust him a little more and have more faith in my belief that he holds me and my life in the palm of his hand. I can trust more that he has a specific plan for me and it will be better then I have ever imagined. I can begin and end each day counting my blessings. I can go thru the day daily striving to find something positive out of each situation. I can strive to find more positives in every person I encounter. I can strive to laugh daily and to truly focus on smiling more. I can reach out of this jaded view that surrounds me and serve more and give more freely and even tho I could still possibly go home to a cold and lonely apartment I can continue to bring light and love and positiveness into it.
Changing ones view and thought process is not easy. I have seen people the last 7 years who go down one track and not think they can ever change. However I do believe there can be change. I do believe that somehow somewhere I will find this happiness and I hope to take this next year to accomplish this challenge! I am ready to prove my current jaded mind that it is wrong! I am ready to find people and continue to be around people who continually show me the positiveness in the world, the good in the world, the happiness in the world.
My goal: next year this time to write of all the positive amazing happy moments I have experienced in 2013. To write of the good I saw in the world. To write of the people who influenced my life and willing to take me by the hand and help me see the wonderful side of life. To write of the moments I laughed, and smiled, and maybe even cried some happy tears.
So out with the jaded and saddened and trodden down view of life and in with a new energetic and positive outlook on life and in with as many wonderful people who care to embrace this challenge with me and help me see the world for not only what it is but what it has the potential to be. For people who are willing to show me what it is to see life on a brighter view. I still plan to do what I do job wise because I know there was a reason I was lead down this path but I plan to not let it affect my thought process to the point that I can't see any good in the world! :)
If you know me you know that I usually look forward to the next service opportunity. Combine it with Christmas and I am usually a pretty happy girl! Well this year I heard about a service opportunity from some friends in connection with Christmas and you would think this is perfect! Well sad to admit at first I didn't like how the service opportunity was set up and much to my surprise I even vocalized it. This is quite strange for me but for some reason I was bothered. I had mentioned my thoughts to a friend of mine and they responded, "Your points are completely validated and I almost voiced them as well but then something told me it would all be ok."
I thought about what my friend said every so often over the past month. Then I went to work one day and we had a Christmas party. During the party we exchanged $5 gifts where you pick a number open the present and the next person can choose to take the present or unwrap a new gift. Well one of the ladies opened a gift and as part of her gift was a $50 bill. We were all so shocked and everyone thought it must have been put in there by mistake. Finally one person spoke up and said the money was real and it was not put in there by mistake. They wanted to see how we would react. Once we found out it was real I thought what a blessing it was to come to the lady who opened it. She is going thru a divorce and has three little boys. Then it was taken from her and I thought well maybe the next person who is single is struggling and could use the money. Then it was taken from that person and I thought well maybe this person with 4 little girls could really use it.
That night I met my mom and some of her friends in Salt Lake and I told them of the experience at work and how I had different emotions with each person getting the money and I hoped it was truly a blessing in their lives. Then my mom turned to me and said, "Would you have taken the $50 away from the first person?" And I said, "Wow! Honestly this year that is a hard call. You have taught me differently and you would have wanted me to let someone else who maybe less fortunate to end up with it. Either of those 3 probably needed it. But at the same time I thought that could go towards my surgery or car or tooth. But one thing for sure I wish I was in a situation where I could give $50 and not bat an eye about it" Then we walked over to the Christmas Concert and I had the most amazing experience. During the concert as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was singing they brought out Tom Brokaw who spoke of a young man in the war during Wold War II who would drop candy to little children from his plane. Then much to our surprise the man appeared on the stage and we heard from the 92 year old man. He said, "My parents have always taught me to give. They said it was better to give then receive. He then said I live my life like it taught in the book Mans Search for Happiness... truest form of happiness in life is in giving service to others"
His words struck a chord within my soul because I was struggling this year to find true happiness at Christmas time. I love Christmas, I love giving presents, I love being with family but around this time of joy and happiness is when I am reminded once again that I am alone. Yes, I have amazing friends and family but its not the same as seeing everyone with their spouse and or children. So this year I have been trying to find out what truly makes me happy. That night I knew I needed to donate to the service opportunity. After the conversation with my mom and hearing this story it truly touched me. Sadly I did not have $50 to spare but I did have some and that weekend I got a hold of the person in charge and asked them to buy extras or fulfill something that was missing with the money I gave them. It felt wonderful knowing I was helping to give another a better Christmas then they otherwise would have had.
I then started to think about what else helps me see Christmas differently. Also this month I and some other people I go to church with took the youth in our ward to see the lights on Temple Square. This was a first for some of the youth and it was really exciting. I got to walk thru and see the lights with a little 6 year old girl. To see the nativity scene and the lights from her perspective had started to change my perspective. To see her excitement over something so simple that I think some people take for granted helped me to also see that no matter our circumstances Christmas can be the happiest time of the year.
As the day has drawn closer my feelings have yo-yo'd. Seeing the excitement of friends and lil' childrens open their gifts was priceless. Helping the nieces and nephews with their Christmas crafts and baking goodies with them today was priceless. Then we were sitting around the family room tonight listening to my dad read the Christmas story and I looked up to see my stocking hanging alone all by itself. Then I saw the other stockings around the room in groups of families then I looked around the room and saw everyone sitting next to spouses and or their children. All content and happy with one another on this blessed Christmas Eve. For a split moment I felt a tinge sadness a tinge of loneliness. Then I looked down to see 6 month old baby Evan fast asleep in my arms and as he snuggled closer to me I remembered the experience of the Temple Square lights, the experience of participating in the service project, the joys and excitements of friends receiving their gifts and then I thought of the excitement I will feel tomorrow to give my gifts to my family. Then I thought about my Savior and the greatest gift he has given me.
My life isn't ideal. It isn't perfect. But the Savior knew that long ago and knew that I would struggle with these feelings every once in awhile especially when it should be a time of joyous occasion. He suffered those feelings I feel every once in awhile so that he could also give me these experiences when I need them most to remind me that he cares and that he has never forsaken me.
As a held that tender little babe in my arms tonight, I wondered how Mary felt holding the Savior in her arms and I was reminded how blessed I am. I have great opportunities to serve others. God has blessed me with AMAZING friends who constantly open up their hearts and arms to me. And even tho I have one of the craziest families :) I have been blessed with one who I can always be a part of. So even tho there might be tinges of sadness when there should always be joy I know I will always be comforted and I think my friend was right to say it will all be okay. For me at this moment as I am about to head to bed for a couple of hours of sleep before the lil ones come wake me up to see what Santa has brought them it is all okay for I have felt the true meaning of Christmas!
