Are you LISTENING?

The other day when I found out my sad and frustrating news I called a person who has been thru this mess with me literally from the beginning and I knew this news would affect them directly so I called to talk and get advice. When I called however, the person had no time to speak with me. They were busy helping another person and told me I had to figure it out on my own and they would just make it work.

I hung up devastated, hurt, sad, and I will admit a little angry. I got why they couldn't talk then, I really did, but at the same time I didn't get it. I wanted to talk and wanted help figuring things out.

So I turned to the second the person who has been thru this mess with me from the beginning. After she put the lil ones down for their naps she called me back. She said, "Sorry I missed your call. Whats up?" I said, "Well I got some bummer news today." Without saying anything else she instantly says, "Oh no, You have to have surgery again don't you? Oh, Sarah I'm so so so sorry"

Anne of Green Gable speaks of kindred spirits and many times I think I have found that in this friend. With the invitation that she understood I sorta just started word vomiting on my poor friend and telling her all that was on my mind.



I explained my frustation that I feel that this is going to be a set back from all that I have accomplished since the last 2 surgeries. I told her of my fears that the recovery pain will be just as bad as the last time since this was the foot that took the longest to heal. I told her how financially stressed and burdened down I feel. I told her of my frustrations of how the last 3 years has not allowed me to get any type of financial break from the 2 foot surgeries, then the crazy sickness that landed me the outrageous E.R. bill, to the broken tooth which led to a couple root canals on top of that, to the numerous car problems that I am yet again dealing with as a month ago I was given the options to either fix my car which total cost of problems is MORE then the car is worth or drive it until it dies then get a knew one. I told her how I was doing my best to be more financially savy in the last month to get out of debt and how I have been cooking a meal on Sunday then portioning out the leftovers to last me all week and just when I thought I had a solution to get on top of my debt to get a new car I receive this news today :(

See, I wasn't lieing when I said I totally word vomitted and my friend just LISTENED and commented how Sorry she was for what I am going thru. She didn't have much more to say nor did she need to. She didn't have any elaborate solutions just made sure I knew that she cared and that she was there for me and honestly that made the difference. Do I have any better solutions then before? No, I don't. I still don't know how it will all turn out but she calmed me just enough by listening to my little whine fest that when I hung up with her I was able to schedule the surgery and look at life again and know somehow in some way that it will work itself out.

I then pondered the two different scenarios and I wondered in my own life am I to much like the first scenario? Do I brush people off more then I should? Do I not take the time to really LISTEN to them. Most people in life don't need solutions. That is not why they talk. If they want a solution they will tell you in their conversation. Instead they just want to know that someone si listening and that they really care.

I don't want someone to feel like I turned them off when they needed someone the most to talk to. So I am making a new goal to LISTEN MORE! I want to be a better listener! I want to make that difference in their life when they needed it. So heres on to LISTENING more and following the example of my amazing friend! :)

I Want...........

I want to be competed for

Not the competitor

 

I want to be chased

Not the chaser

 

I want to be appreciated for who I am

Not overlooked for the person I can't be

 

I want to be acknowledged for my soul and heart

Not disregarded cause of my looks, weight, and age

 

I want to laugh, cry, and reach my highest with you

Not laughed at, made to cry, or stopped from reaching

 

I want to be seen for my potential

Not taken advantage of cause of my potential

 

I want to be the friend you can't be without

Not the friend that's a good convenience

 

I want to be your friend

But above all I want to be loved

What does it mean to be TOUGH????

So the word TOUGH has been on my mind recently and todays experience has made me chuckle ironically. For awhile now I was thinking I am tough. I am doing lots of things that people around me keep saying "I would never do that." As talked about numerous times:

I have hiked the TETONS: 
















I ran the DIRTY DASH:













I have ran other races, set numerous goals and have really strived to get back on top of things. I am fulfilling my calling to the best of my ability and I am putting in all this time at work to show that I truly am an asset to the team. I am proving to myself that I can handle tough situations.

Then on Sunday this guy was talking about a dream with snakes and I was REALLY getting creeped out in church and how the snakes were attacking him. Then that afternoon my friend and I went for a power walk on the Provo Trail and she screams:

SNAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im sure it didn't look like the one above but I don't care! I took off running and screaming like a little girl! lol If you really know me, you know snakes of ANY kind are NOT my thing at ALL! It quietly slithered away and I had to laugh to myself as the thought came into my mind, "Really Sarah, you think you are TOUGH?" haha

Then the dreaded Dr's appt arrived today and I woke up again and looked in the mirror and said, "Sarah you are tough!!! You got this! It's no big deal!" I'm sitting in the Dr's chair playing solitaire on my Kindle and wondering why would a Dr want to look at feet every day anyway. Its kinda gross if you think about it lol

Before long he walks in and starts to play with my feet by play I mean push and bend and move and with each wince I said to myself, "It's cool, you are SO TOUGH" He then pauses and says "hmmmm...... lets do some x-rays!" After the x-ray moment I go back to playing solitaire as I wait the dreaded moments. He walks in and says: Drum Roll Please!!!! :)

The lights go on the x-ray goes up he stares at the pictures, sits back down, plays with my toes looks me in the eye and says, "We gotta do surgery again! We gotta cut you open again where we did last time and remove the big bump on top of your toe and move the pin around thats sticking out of the bone underneath your foot! Then while you are under I am going to manipulate your other foot that we did surgery on and attempt to get more movement out of that toe as well!"

I just sat there and stared! I had this feeling when I walked in that he was going to say that but I was like naw you are just worrying over nothing! Then all I could think about was the horrible pain from the time before, and the horrible inconvience of not being able to use my foot, and the LONG recovery etc etc etc. Then I thought about all the progress I have made and all my accomplishments and what a set back this will be.

I walked out the office wishing I had someone stronger next to me to give me a hug like wrap me up in their arms in a big bear hug type hug and tell me "It's gonna be nothing like the time before" Instead I quietly went to my car, drove back to my office checked my upcoming crazy schedule and scheduled the dreaded surgery.

Now, I don't feel so TOUGH anymore!!!!

I DID THE BEST I COULD

The last few months I have challenged myself, pushed myself, attempted to see what I can do. I have come to an amazing reality with myself that I can do a lot of amazing things, that I am stronger than I once thought I was. I recently backpacked for four days the backside of the Tetons, then I challenged myself to beat my goals at a race I did last year, then shortly after that race I did the dirty dash which is a 10K obstacle course through mud.

Through each of these things and other daily challenges I have realized that not only can I do hard things but that is when my weaknesses show the most as well. I was not the fastest hiker, nor the fastest runner, and there were a couple of obstacles that I physically could not do. And have you ever noticed that, that is what we tend to beat ourselves up over the most... our weaknesses!!!! Why is that? Why can't we look at the picture on a whole and be proud of what we DID accomplish? It didn't matter how fast or slow I went across the backside of the Tetons and what matters is that I did it and that I witnessed some of the most beautiful scenery and had experiences that are indescribable the way they impacted me and moments I will cherish forever. It didn't matter how slow I ran or that I couldn't do some of the obstacles in the other race. What mattered is that I ran and that I beat my goal. What mattered is that I finished the obstacle course and that I did the best I could.

I think that is point I miss most of the time that I did the best I could. Seriously, who could ask for a better acknowledgment then being able to say to themselves I did the best I could. This is the part that has really hit home with me as I reflect back on these events and a repeating assurance in my daily life and routine. I may be that employee that quietly is always working away at tasks and never acknowledged, or I may always be that friend who seemed to be so "cool" until someone cooler walks into their lives and I'm quickly forgotten, I may be the one who will always have the grudge held against them for having to handle a hard situation in a way they didn't plan to handle it but due to actions of others had to handle the situation in that way. I may be the person who will always be overlooked for one thing or another. I may be viewed as hard hearted for protecting myself from walking down another path of pain. But whatever the situation may be I know as long as I can look back and say in each situatin that I did the best I could then ultimately that is all that really matters.

One day this life will end and yes our weaknesses will be discussed because we are not perfect but they will not be the main focus. God will not be caught up in the fact that your hard work went unnoticed, nor will he be caught up in the fact that you were not the cool friend that everyone couldn't live without, nor will he be caught up in the fact that you couldn't do a lot of things. Rather he will be caught up in the way you handled them and how you faced each situation, event, and challenge.

So with thanks to recent physical events and hard emotional challenges I am grateful I am being reminded of the simple fact to look at each situation and remember I did the best I could, cause thats the feeling worth remembering and cherishing :)

Through Different Eyes!

The other day I had the privilege to spend an entire afternoon with the CUTEST 3 year old EVER! (What can I say? Its in the aunt gene to comment that she has the cutest nieces and nephews ever) Its a good thing the bragging part doesn't come with a price or I would surely be broke. But sadly the spoiling funds are a little tight these days so I visited the grand ol dollar store!

Who knew that the dollar store would have just the perfect items? I bought 2 kites that came together so basically 50 cents each and we had SO much fun. We ran all over the neighborhood, through peoples yards (oops) and all around the park trying to get the darn thing in the air. What can you expect for 50 cents right? So after numerous doctoring jobs on the kite eie scotch tape we never tired of attempting to throw it in the air. He would run and run and the poor lil kite would just drag behind. Then I would get it in the air just enough that it would swarm just above his head and he would attempt to grab it. Each time it would get close to him he would just giggle and giggle.

Then we frosted cupcakes and put sprinkles on them. Aunt Sarah frosted while he sprinkled! There was more frosting and sprinkles on his face then the cupcake. Yep! That kid and I are DEFINITELY related! :) He was so fun because he was so determined to do it and to do it all by himself.

After that he so was not tired from the kite episode so we spent hours on the driveway with chalk. I had forgotten how much fun chalk can be. And the imaginations of little kids: WOW! It didn't look like much from an adult perspective until he described what it was. His imagination definitely put my recognizable house, tree, clouds, and sunshine to shame. Then it was on to a game of hide and seek. My favorite part was me saying: Where or where could he be? Hes a good hider!" And he would start to giggle and jump out and say Here I am Aunt Sarah. I was hiding here! lol

The afternoon ended with another trip to the park and an bubble blowing contest. Cause what is a day without dollar store bubbles right? To see him try so hard and blow so hard and the ecstatic expression to see a bubble produce was priceless.

So my thoughts since then and point to make: Why are we not looking at life through the eye of a 3 year old? I know we are adults with responsibility! I think I know that feeling and burden more than some. But what would it be like if we could be entertained by a 50 cent kite, or express our thoughts thru chalk displays, and blow some bubbles! Sure our co-workers or friends might want to put us away but what if you got them to join you? What if we took our next lunch break to draw in the parking lot or blow bubbles or just LAUGH! Just think how the world might be!

I hope I can take time and view the world more like a 3 yr old and not so much as the adult I do with all the obligations and responsibilities that I have. I hope I can laugh and play hide and go seek and swing on swings and slide down slides!

Kudos to the dollar store for saving the day on my tight budget but more importantly kudos to a 3 yr old for teaching me a valuable lesson and changing my perspective on life! Who wants to go kite flying and chalking drawing???? :)

IF YOU REALLY KNEW........

My co-worker was asked to help out with an event called Challenge Day and needed some adult volunteers from work and asked me to help out. I had no idea what to expect when I got there but as clique as it may sound this day have a profound effect on me. I was under the impression we were going to supervise teenagers but the leaders threw us volunteers right in the middle of the action and we had to lead and participate with the teenagers so they could open up to us. Some of you may have seen this take place on MTV and they are now going around to different schools around the country. It gives all of us an opportunity in a safe environment to really open us and let others know who we truly are.


It was said by the leaders that our lives are compared to an iceberg. Just like the iceberg people really only know 10% of who we really are and there is another 90% that stays hidden from the world. Why is that one might ask. It was said because we grow up in societal norms and labels and so by society standards we conform to those labels by default. For example in general when you think of a man you think Strong, Macho, In Control and if they are show anything different like emotion then are are considered weak and cowardly and looked down upon. Women for example are suppose to be sweet and dainty. Feminine like but not a pushover. Show emotions but not too much because that is bad. So we tend to hide our true colors, our true selves, our true emotions, and our true identity on the fear of what society or others around us might say. Even the people closest to us who may know "everything" about us don't always know "everything" about us.

We did multiple activities throughout the day and one activity that hit home with me was "If you really knew me you would know......" We were in small groups after the leaders opened up about themselves to do this activity. Leaders and teenagers. There were some groups that were very emotional at the chance to finally say whats been on their mind. We were challenged that day to speak up and let people know who we truly are. So with some fear and hesitancy I am taking on the challenge. I pray that whoever might read this will do so without judgment and then maybe they as well, will turn around and take the challenge!

IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME YOU WOULD KNOW................

- I love chocolate with almonds

- I want to travel to Europe but specifically Italy

- I struggle with the "love" of running but I won't give up because I want to find that "love"

- I love long hot showers which could lead to why I also love hot tubs and hot pools

-I love music and feel it has a profound effect on our lives

- I can relate most any song to something that has happened in my life

- that I am one of those hard core Mormons. I am not perfect and I make plenty of mistakes but the core principles of this gospel I believe in whole heartily

- that even if I may disagree with something you do or a way you choose to live your life doesn't mean I think any less of you. I still love and appreciate and admire you for the person you are

- that I love adventure and yearn for a companion who has the same zest for adventure

-that I am freakin scared of heights but depending on the challenge I could be somewhere high to prove I can do that

- that even with the above statement said, you will probably never find me on a roller coaster or in a situation where I am upside down or free falling

- that growing up as an only girl had its challenges. There were and are many times I felt and feel alone and the odd ball out

- that I wish I had a closer relationship with my father and that he would share his knowledge of things with me especially his scriptural knowledge.

-that right now in my life that best title is "Aunt" and I love playing with and spoiling the little kiddos

-that love peanut butter and banana sandwiches

- that I love road trips

-that I want to visit Southern California specifically San Diego some day

-that I would like to ride on the back of a motorcycle through the canyon

-that even tho I am close to my mom I wish we were closer and could communicate better with her

-that I wish I communicated better with my whole family

-that sometimes I feel as if I am the only one my age in my situation holding on to what is right and true and holding out for what I know will be the ultimate and best thing for me

-that sometimes I feel like a failure or a loser because I am not married or have children yet

-that I can practically quote "With out a Paddle" the movie phrase by phrase

-that I love the ultimate chick flick but loved to be "freaked out" as well from a movie

-that I believe ice cream should be a staple in every ones diet

- that many times I don't feel trusted or believed because I don't have the same credentials or have not done something the same way that it has been done before by everyone else

-that it really hurts me when I am not believed and that I usually end up being right

-that I usually feel like the "convenience" friend. What can I benefit out of Sarah? but that I rarely feel a mutual give and take with others

-that last year I can honestly say that I suffered a broken heart and the pain was so deep that it affected me emotionally, mentally, and to an extent physically

-that watching him lie to my face as I attempted to give him the benefit of the doubt almost hurt as bad as the broken heart

-that I know my heart will never be the same but that I am bouncing back and each day I have become stronger

-that there are days when I still have "moments" of regressions to the pain and hurt but that they are just moments

-that I have gone on an amazing yes I can finally say amazing journey this past year of rediscovering who I am and what my worth is and that I now know I am worth something far more greater then I allowed myself to believe or that he led me to believe

-that it really hurts when I give all that have to the ones I care about the most but it hurts deeply when its taken advantage of

-that I love the temples that my church has built and that I feel it an honor and a privilege to work inside them and that I never want to be in a place or situation that will refrain me from entering in those doors

-that it bothers me when others don't respect that belief of mine

-that even though I am bouncing back from the pain and heartache and feelings of brokenness and although new relationships are not working out either that I still have the belief that one day one will and it will be better than I can even imagine right now

-that I love to read and could spend all day in the sun on a warm day or all day wrapped in blanket on a cold day if I had the time

-that I prefer warmth to cold any day

-that out of all our senses that touch is my most sensitive one

-that I love to cuddle, and that I love back massages

-that a secret wish of mine has always been to have flowers sent to my office by a special someone someday who feels I mean the most to him as I know he will feel to me

-that I hate when people lie to me and that I wish they understood that I am pretty good at figuring out when people lie to me and that I would just prefer the truth. As said before I wish I was better at communicating but its something I am learning to do and not holding back my thoughts but seeing them lie over and over brings on feeling of ache and mistrust

-that I am really bothered when people walk away with no explanation or give the "silent treatment" then being a true human and speak what they feel

-that Captain Crunch is my all time favorite cereal then closely followed by coca puffs :)

-that even though some people think my LDS mission was all "hard moments" or that I missed my "chance" on opportunities that I don't regret one minute of it. Yes it was hard but it was also just as wonderful and I wouldn't trade those experiences or the people I met for anything.

-that I believe the willingness to stand up and face someone in the eye and say "I'm Sorry" for the wrong they have done you can be some of the most tender moments and wish it happened more than the walking away and the silent treatment

-that its frustrating when people try to tell you that they know "whats best" for you and it turns into a lecture of how they think I need to live my life

-that its really hard to find someone who is just willing to listen in the moment that I need it the most

-that I don't believe every trial that I have gone thru that I was suppose to endure it, and the pain associated with it so that I could learn something better or significant from it but that because of these trials brought on by actions of others I have seen God's hand more fully in my life and that he always had a plan for me and that he knew all along that the through the choices and free agency of others that my path would go one way or another and he had people and things prepared along the path of both roads to help me in the moments I needed it the most

- that one of my biggest weaknesses is comparing myself to others

-that I have a love for the outdoors and the serenity from it and love the peace I feel being in the mountains whether its snow shoeing, hiking, or camping

-that I think waterfalls are majestic

-that because of what has happened in my life and because of what I have seen that I have somewhat of a jaded perspective on situations and not always happy that I have this perception

-that there are people in this life who daily set an example for me and they don't even know it and I wish I could express it without feeling weird for doing so because we don't talk daily. From the way they raise their children to their outlook on life to the intuitive nature to care for others. This is the type of person I want to become.

-that I love to sing my loudest and in the worst way possible when I am in the car with others just to see how long they can go with out laughing

-that I love LAUGHTER and wish there was more of it in my life

-that I love my family dearly even though communication is not always there and that I cherish any moments with them

-that I look forward to the family moments around my parents kitchen table whenever I go home because you never know what will be said

-that if I open up to you it means that I trust you but if you hurt me or cause that trust to be broken that the wall around my heart and soul instantly goes back up and its hard for you to get back to the spot you once had with me

-that I want to live my life in service and if I had the money I would spend my days teaching those less fortunate then myself and teaching them to believe in themselves and that they can truly make a difference in their lives

- that I don't understand why I am the one that people think they can say the most hurtful things to and about and that many people have used me to tear down and ridicule instead of facing their own problems they were going through

-that I can't sing to save my life but that I love to belt out songs as loud as I can and make up crazy dance moves when I'm alone in the car or the house because that is when I feel the most confident about myself

-that I know this life is not easy and things may continue to always happen as this list describes but that I also know I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and I learned especially more fully this past year that he knows me personally and that he is the one sure constant in my life

- and finally that even though I have my inadequacies, and my fears, and my doubts,and times of deep despair and being broken in every way possible that God is not only a loving God but a just God and I truly believe as it was recently told to me that God compensates and that in the end even if no one ever really takes the time to "really" get to know me that God knows and in the end that is all that really matters!

What can I say: Im Just A Girl.........

Why are girls so emotional and so hard on themselves? Why can't we revel in the little things? Why do we have days when we feel like LOSER is stapled to our foreheads? Its been one of those moments where I was having a negative nanny time and wondered why do we allow it to happ

Like This:

Why am I losing ounces while everyone else is losing pounds?
Why am I losing milimeters while everyone else is losing inches?
Why can this person run 2 hrs w/o stoping and I can barely run 2 minutes w/o wanting to die?
Why do I try to be everyones friend and when I do there is always someone who will stab me in the back?
Why am I carrying such a heavy workload and when I say something its misinterpreted as I am weak and can't hack the job?
Why do I bust myself to hear "Hey Great Job!" from someone who is of importance to never hear those words?
Why do I end up being the person an angry person turns to releave their frustration and anger?
Why am I being asked to carry some pretty heavy spiritual responsibilities while still single?
Why am I still single?
What more can I be doing?

Etc etc........

We get the point especially if you are girl and someone is actually reading my blog. We all go through similar feelings.

So why can't I just say:

Hey an ounce is better than nothing!

Hey a milimeter is better than nothing!

Hey you are running and even tho its slow you are faster than the couch potato vegging in front of a t.v.

Hey these stabs in the back are just Gods way of showing you who really are your true friends and what not to do in your quest to becoming a true friend to someone else and God will compensate it all.

Hey the workload may be be hard and gruesome and even tho you are being misinterpreted the point is, is that you are doing it and revel in the strength of endurance

Hey it doesn't matter if people you want to praise you never do because the ones who do really mean it and those are the ones who really matter

Hey I am someone they trust and feel comfortable enough around to let their guard down ( this one is still really hard for me tho b/c I REALLY don't deserve to be the brunt of someone elses anger)

Hey God loves you and trusts you and knows you better than you know yourself. This is why he has given you amazing friends, family, and a rockin hardcore presidency. He has placed the people in your life that you need to accomplish what he has in store for you.

Hey at least you haven't ended up with a deadbeat, or someone who lacks true character, or someone who mistreats you and your values, or someone who wants to devout their life to you then turn around after you make lasting commitments and divorces you.

Hey despite wanting to do more revel in the fact that you are doing something and anything no matter how small is always better than nothing

We struggle for the mere fact we are GIRLS! And as girls we are always striving just a little more to find that perfection. I think its because we know our potential and want to prove we are better so we allow the negative nanny to come a creepin in! But we need to look for the positives and make a point of finding something positive daily or even hourly if needed. We need to quit comparing and realize we are our number one and the focus should be on ourselves and no one else!

And above else as a dear friend recently told me we need to remember that God COMPENSATES! We go through the hard and trying and negative nanny moments so God can raise us to our potential and give us more than we ever dreamed possible. Trials will come but so will the blessings and that reward is worth every penny of it!

So forgive my downer debbie or negative nanny moments and just remember Im just a Girl trying to figure it all out in this complicated world attempting to give myself pep rallies and moral boosters. So when the hard stuff comes and I can't seem to peel off the the Big Ol' "L" off my forehead, throw me a metaphoric pom pom and I will throw one right back at ya!