Confusion

So I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and proposed the question to a friend the other day as we were driving to Lehi High to teach our class. I have also had this conversation with others in the past. So now I propose the question to you: Are you saddened when someone randomly doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore? Like they don’t want to be your friend anymore without any explanation?

I was like, seriously???? Should this bother me THAT much? It’s not like we are 8 years old again right? We are adults!!!! So why does it bother me and sadden me? I asked her if I was in left field over this and she said, No, because no explanation is worse because you will always feel like you did something wrong and not know how to fix it. And that is exactly it. Why is someone your friend; you laugh, joke, have this amazing friendship then one day out of the blue they no longer contact you? You attempt to contact them and they are very short, to the point, or even worse they ignore you?

It’s not like we need that constant 24-7. Ok, maybe some people do but I do okay without the constant. For example I have this bestie. She has been with me and now her husband as well through thick and thin. She has been my “go to” person through EVERYTHING! I know no matter what I can turn to her and she will be there for me. And believe me, the two of us have been through our fair share of ups and downs since we moved to Utah and became friends. Do we talk every day? No. She is busy being wife and raising two beautiful children and I have the craziest schedule known to man right now. But our friendship is solid and we know when we do get the chance to talk we can catch up and again know we are always there for each other.

 

 

 

 

 

I have some friends that I see more recently and again our friendships are awesome. We talk or hang out a few times during the week. Maybe part of it is the fact they are so close proximity wise so it’s easier to meet up with them. But again we have our own lives and can go a few days without talking.

 

There are great friends thru the crazy virtual world commonly known as “facebook” lol and it’s great to randomly get the chance to catch up with them and again we understand the busyness of life and we only get to communicate a handful of times but it’s awesome when we do because again we can pick up right where we left off no matter how long ago it was.

So why do others just randomly decide one day to ignore you? And even more why do we as some humans feel bad when someone doesn’t want to be our friend anymore? As childishly as that sounds, it’s the honest truth as I am finding out I am not the only one who feels this way. Sure there are some people you really attempt to be friends or acquaintances with and it’s just not happenin. You get that your personalities just don’t clash well. But usually with these people you know it because they are not afraid to get in your face about it or they treat you in a way that belittles you. As much as it hurts those are the people you are grateful for cause you get the “ah-ha” moment in your head that screams, “wow, they are wound up tighter then a barbwire fence mixed in with the look of a bitter beer face” and you know it’s best to just run and stay as far away from them as possible!!!!! These are the people you really don’t want to be around or associate with anyways.

 

But…….. so, why to the others? Why can you laugh and joke then nothing? Even further why do they not look at you, or when they do it’s with blank stares? Or why do they avoid you? Why won’t they tell you if you did something to upset them so you can attempt to fix it? Why won’t they explain themselves? Do they not cherish friendship like some of us others do? Are they okay with cycling through friends like they cycle their groceries? How can you go from great awesomeness in friendships to just someone they use to know????

 

Just thoughts that have been mulling around in my head and have eventually made it to paper. These thoughts have made me extra grateful for the friends I do have. And hopefully I can figure out the answers to the others for all of us who are left with questions marks taped to our foreheads!

Chuggin Along

So I thought I would take a quick minute and give an up close and personal update on my project. First off this project has forced me to be more open for reals man!!! I haven't written this much in ages. I use to write all the time but not about ME!!!!!! But the past few months I have written so much. Talk about leavin' the comfort zone! But its good! I've been forcing myself to really evaluate the goods and the bads the ups and the downs of my life!

The project has been happenin' now for about 2 1/2 months! Smiling doesn't exhaust me quite as much! Seriously, if you still won't take the perma-grin challenge for 24-7 you SO NEED TO! :)  But I would smile so much I would end up yawning. Ya try smiling and yawning at the same time um... can I say HILARIOUS!!My cheeks don't hurt as much and pretty much it has become my new favorite workout! By the time I have accomplished this task I will have cheeks of steel baby!!!! Smiling is becoming more natural but I'm not quite there. People still seem to take pictures when I don't notice and even tho I feel happy and content my face doesn't always show it. If you're happy and you know then face will surely show it right?? So I gots to keep remembering the smile. But for the majority of the day I have noticed the smile and some times the really cool part I find myself smiling without realizing I was doing it! Awesome right?!?

Stuff still bothers me. I'm workin on it. You know those amazing people who let things totally fall off their shoulders. Like nothing in life can phase them? My goal one day! BUT.... even tho things bother me still; I find myself getting over it quicker! It doesn't dwell in the mind set "life is so hard and this makes it ten times worse" phase. I quickly find ways to get over it. I turn to my support system, I talk, a couple of times I've cried, I usually find a way to laugh, I pray like there is no tomorrow, I read something spiritual or uplifting, and then before you know it I'm all good again. Its so strange. A few weeks ago I had a really crappy week but I started Monday fresh and ready to go. I was talkin to the mom that day and she was like "Hey hon, how are you today?" And without realizing I exclaimed, "I'm great!" She was a little taken back because just a few days earlier I was ready to throw in the towel and not even try anymore but it is so great how quickly I am jumping back from set backs! Hopefully soon tho things won't bother me at all.

When  I feel good about me, I want that feeling shown in all aspects of my life. Last Saturday was like a "duh" moment in my life. I hiked a little over 5 1/2 miles and I felt fantastic afterwards. So I came home and really deep cleaned my house. It has been said the cleaner your home the more inviting of the Spirit and good vibes. With my insanely busy schedule I have been trying to keep up on the house but I seriously cleaned this time and rearranged the kitchen. It is just so much more inviting and I opened the blinds to the sunshine and the house appeared more inviting and I realized the happier I am the more inviting of a person I can be as well! Saturday was a great day! Music blaring, I was energized, and the smile never left my face that day!

Increasing my spiritual health has been big for me. I mentioned previously I took a challenge to read the Book of Mormon in two months. Now I know not everyone who reads this is into something like this, but seriously whatever it is that brings a spiritual awareness into your life GO FOR IT! For me reading this book of scripture was HUGE! I seriously applied so much of what I was reading to what I was currently going thru! I craved for the next moment to read. I finished on Monday this week and Tuesday felt like a serious let down. Don't know how to explain it but it was weird. I had to find something else spiritual to read. and soon I will start reading the Book of Mormon again.

So I feel more energized then I have in a long time even with the most insane schedule known to man right now. I am seriously hopping from one thing to the next without a breather but I'm doing it and its great! I have the desire to better myself physically, spiritually, mentally, financially, and emotionally. A good friend last fall encouraged me to set my finances straight. I am so grateful for his counsel and I have been doing what I can to be on top again. I am poorer then snot and some days I wonder if I will make it until the next paycheck but I am starting to see small glimpses of success. Some things are getting paid off and this extremely heavy burden is slightly lighter. Can't wait until its all gone. I am so thankful for this second job and for the ability to budget and put it into practice.

As I mentioned before laughter has become a huge part of me. Is it sad that I haven't always laughed in life? YES IT IS!!!!! I am so happy this is coming back! But laughter comes at odd times every once in awhile. One time my friend Joelle nudged me at church when some dude was talking from the pulpit and it was all I could do from looking at her because I know we were both thinking the same thing and it was all I could do from laughing! Random funny things pop into my head all the time now. I sit in meetings at church or work and my mind thinks of something funny that has happened in the past couple of months and I want to laugh. But most people don't get my sense of humor so I stifle my laughter into a huge smile until I can let it all out. They say laughter is the best medicine and in a lot of ways it is so true! I feel sorry for those people who won't smile in life, or complain so much about how hard life is,or who take things way to serious, and think everyone is out to get them. We always need to find positives in life and if you truly seek it you will find more then you ever thought was possible. There are so many positives in my life and I am saddened that I let the negatives of life consume me so much. Even during stressful moments you need to find something good. The last few days have brought stress again from work but last night I wasn't going to let it affect me so during my planning meeting with my youth I kneeled on a chair with wheels and scooted up and down the aisle. At first they all thought I was weird but I told them this was their meeting and I wanted them to plan an awesome activity for our next event and that I would do all I could to make it happen. The more they watched me the more they laughed then they relaxed then they started talking and they developed one of their coolest ideas ever! I'm so excited to do what I can to make it work!

Is life perfect? No still not! But I'm working on it and that is all that matters. Sometimes in the quietness of the night or the quietness of the early morning I still feel lonely. I feel lonely for someone to be at my side and to share my deepest thoughts with. Some one who will share in bringing the smile and the laughter. Someone who fully gets me on a level that doesn't need to be explained to others. But I would rather take my perma-grins and bouts of laughter and small moments of loneliness over being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship and being miserable while in it. I still don't understand why unhappy people will live in their misery instead of making a change. But those of you who are in happy relationships and I see it daily thank you for reminding me that it can happen and possibly one day it will happen for me! I am grateful through all these examples and hope to follow these examples in a solid secure relationship one day.

But if it happens or not, that is not solely where happiness comes from. Happiness in life and with yourself comes from within you, within your soul, within your own desire to be a change. Happiness comes from you wanting to be happy, wanting to seek a better state of well being for yourself. Happiness comes from putting one foot in front of the other each day with determination and faith that you will come out on top. Happiness doesn't come from seeking to always being on top always being in the light and in the process putting others down so you feel good and powerful. True happiness doesn't come from a certain status in life or from how many times people praise you for something you did. True happiness comes from realizing you have so much to offer, realizing its the little things around you that are important, it comes from cultivating your friendships and above all it comes from never giving up and realizing the only person you need to change in life to become truly happy is yourself! :) If others accept your change and are willing to embrace it then embrace them fully. If not, if they can't accept it then don't let them hinder your progress and your smile. Above all never give up on what you want most in life cause you are worth all of it to obtain that true and everlasting happiness in life! :)



Whatcha Sayin?????

Do you ever say things that totally seem to get misinterpreted? This seems to be the story of my life! lol Most of the time I just go through life being me and with that words tend to tumble out of my mouth. Without fail someone takes offense to what I say or do.

I don't intentionally tend to cause harm really I don't. But there are times when I suffer from open mouth insert foot disease. I just talk and don't realize that something I said could have offended someone. It is so hard to know how everyone is feeling. Like I said I don't try to intentionally cause harm.

I just wish people got offended less and were more patient and understanding. I wish people would seek to understand then assume or accuse you of saying one thing or another. This has been a goal of mine to seek what others mean and not instantly jump to conclusions with it.

As my project is progressing and I am feeling more genuine happiness around me it seems there are some people who associate with me less. Its as if my happiness offends them in one way or another. Its a funny concept to think about really. You would think the happier you are the more people would want to be around you. It was brought to my attention once that maybe I associated with some negative people before and they can't handle my happiness and that is why we don't associate anymore. They don't believe that someone can truly be happy without an agenda. That you don't need someone or something specific to make you happy.

If this is the case, it saddens me because I have never wanted my happiness project to offend others. This is something I have taken on for myself internally to be better at. It has truly helped me and I am so grateful for the person I am becoming tho it hurts that the person I am becoming is potentially offending others. The last few months I have learned to find joy in the little things. I find myself randomly smiling A LOT, I find myself with more energy, I find myself finding more positives then negatives, and I find myself LAUGHING!!!! This has been a fun part :). I haven't laughed this much in a long time and I feel something is awakening inside my body. So many things in life make me laugh. This usually produces a gut rolling laugh with tears coming down my face. It is a great feeling. I hope people understand this is about me and understand when I laugh and smile so much that it is coming from something within and usually I am obliviously to how this is making you feel.

Along with this project tho I have found some amazing people who have continued to be at my side and support me thru this project. I am so grateful for them and their support. They have helped me to see the good in bettering myself and I have deepened some relationships that weren't there before the project and the ones that were there continue to deepen and grow. I have come to realize that I have some amazing people in my life.

Focusing on myself and how I am feeling these past few months may have put blinders on. Again not intentional. I have just been trying to better myself and not let the negatives of life affect me. One thing that has been a big focus with me has been to increase my spirituality. I have been seeking to recognize the Spirit more and spent a lot of time trying to recognize its presence in my life. As part of helping myself to do this, I took on a challenge to read the Book of Mormon in two month or else. I can officially say I accomplished it. I finished reading it this morning. It has been a great challenge and I once again learned so much and have been able to apply so much of it in my life lately. It has shown me different ways to increase my happiness and how I can go about it. It has reminded me the importance of living a happy life for myself and why I need to seek the Spirit constantly.

This project has taught me so much how I can improve myself. For that I am grateful and just hope and pray that those who seem to be offended by me will realize its not intended to hurt them but its something totally selfish as bad as that sounds to help myself to become a better happier person each day.

March Marches On..........

This month always takes me down memory lane and leaves me more grateful for things. When I think of March this is what I think of:

MARCH 1ST 2003
 
My older brother was married. I and two of my brothers were in foreign countries serving missions for our church. My mom, dad, and youngest brother were sitting at home waiting for some upcoming changes that I will speak of shortly, when a good Samaritan frantically banged on the door and yelled "your house is on fire! Get out Get out!" They ran outside to their entire roof engulfed in flames. They lost half of their house and the entire house experienced 60% smoke and water damage.

MARCH 2ND 2003

My last Sunday serving as a missionary in Brasil! Standing at a church door welcoming members and investigators whom I had come to love so deeply when I get the message to call my mission president. I walk up a red dirt road to a pay phone on the side of a road. "Hi President, this is Sister Simons. I was told to give you a call." President: "Yes, let me read you an email I got this morning. Dear President Morrison this is Sister Simons sister in law. I am writing to inform you Sister Simons's home caught on fire yesterday. Her room was the worst. She lost everything. Please let her know. Thank you" I share this because now looking back the message is kind of comical. That is all that was said. I was stunned. Speechless! My mission president asked me if I wanted him to reply back with specific questions. So stunned I said umm....no then something in my mind registered and I blurted out MY FAMILY???? Is my family okay???? He responds valid question Sister Simons I will write back and find out. I was able to call my neighbor later that night and luckily my parents were there.

MARCH 3RD 2003

Woke up early on the mission which wasn't an uncommon thing for me. I was always up early but this day particularly early. Laid down on the couch in my apartment in the quietness of the morning and my emotions got the best of me. I cried for my family. I cried for what they lost. I cried for the unknown, what I was going home to, what I wasn't going home to, cried for the blessing that my family was okay because I found out if it would have been at night my family probably would not have lived. Cried for leaving Brasil. Cried for leaving a life I had come to LOVE and enjoyed very much. Cried for the changes I had experienced and for the ones I knew I would miss and cried for the love and gratitude I had for everything around me.

MARCH 5TH 2003

Entered U.S. soil after living in a foreign country for 19 months. Tears of joy to see my family but tears of sadness for what I left behind in Brasil. I think back on this day every year. Those 19 months defined me in so many ways. I am whom I am because of that time spent on a mission. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life but one of the tender and sweetest memories as well. Every year this day brings a bittersweet smile to my face. This was the day I got off a plane and went to a hotel room to unpack my bags to live for two weeks until they could find us a rental home which we would live in for 6 months while our house was rebuilt. This was the day I woke up in the middle of the night not able to sleep because of the time change and all the emotions and I ended up hiding in the hotel room bathroom for rest of the night reading my Portuguese book of mormon clinging to anything that felt "normal" in this very unnormal circumstance.



MARCH 10TH 2003

My first nephew and my parents first grandchild was born. So now each year the older he gets the more I am reminded how many years it has been since I have returned from Brasil! :) He was suppose to come sooner but I tell everyone he couldn't make his grand entrance without his Aunt Sarah there. But honestly I think he waited so he could shed some light and happiness during a crazy time of stress, saddness, and confusion for our family. He is such a sweet little boy and I am so grateful for him in our family as well as my other neices and nephews that have since joined us.

 Thomas oldest nephews baptism

MARCH 12TH

My mom's birthday. So yes 2003 was CRAZY!!!! But each year I look on this day with gratitude as well because I am so lucky to have the mom I do. She is blunt, she is straight forward, you always know where you stand with my mom, but a long with that she has the biggest heart. She loves to love, and to serve, and you can always count on her being there for others. She loves her family, she loves her grand kids, she loves her friends. She has had a very hard life and hasn't been in the best of health. A little over 5 years ago I almost lost my mom to a sickness and a tumor that was only found because of the guidance of a loving Heavenly Father. Those types of tumors hide and are usually overlooked when a scope is done but the Dr felt "impressed" he said to dig a little deeper. I will never forget taking my mom to the E.R. one night due to a reaction to some medicine she was given to help with the pain of the tumor before she could get in for surgery and the E.R. Dr told me to hold her hand and tell her to breathe because she was out of it and didn't want to. I remember a couple days later going home and coming to the realization that I could very well lose my mother. I pleaded with God to let her live because I wasn't ready to let her go. A few weeks later she endured an 8 hour surgery. He granted my prayer and 5 years later she is still here. Her life isn't easy but I pray every day she has good health and can enjoy the things she enjoys the most. The last 3 months my mom has been my number one fan during my project and is encouraging constantly to not give up. I am so grateful for her in my life.



MARCH 18TH & MARCH 21ST

 

March 18th is my mom's mom's birthday. This lady was one classy lady. She worked at a department store, loved to show off her grandchildren, and is remembered for her bright red lipstick. She loved to laugh and always had a big smile on her face. She had only one child and loved her very much. On March 21st 1992 just after her 64th birthday she passed away from pancreatic cancer. Her cancer was due to smoking the majority of her life. Now that I work in tobacco prevention I talk about her a lot more and as sad as I am I have lived the majority of my life without her I am grateful this experience with her taught me not to try tobacco. She missed out on so much of our lives. Tears are in my eyes now as I write and think about all that she is missing out on. She never saw her grandchildren graduate from school, she never saw her grandsons get married, she will never see her great grandchildren but I am grateful for the many memories I have with her. I am grateful for the moments I had to spend time with her and for the nights she took me searching for jack rabbits in the field by her house. I am grateful for the moments I had to play cards with her. I am grateful for the times I got to wear her perfume and her red lipstick and be just like her. I am grateful for the moments she took me fishing and my fondest memory I am grateful for is going to feed the ducks at the big lake in the middle of town.    
 

 Also in March, on March 12th to be exact my Italian sister married. This is special to me because she is the only person my older brother taught who accepted the gospel. She came and visited us a few times and is so dear to me. She is an only child and her parents didn't join the church but she married into a family with a long history in the gospel. She has taught me to never give up on what you want most and to always live life being happy. She is one of the sweetest most generous people I have ever met. When she called to tell us she was getting on March 12th I told her that mom's birthday and she said I know that is why I am getting married on that day. I love her so much and so grateful she is a part of our family. We don't see her often but she has place in our hearts for eternity.

One of my brothers married in March. March 11th. I am grateful for my sister in law coming into my family. I am grateful for each one of my sister in laws. Each one has become a sister I never grew up with. I am now surrounded by sisters and they each have taught me so much. Then to end the month one of my sister in laws has a birthday as well. So March keeps our family busy.

March has special moments for me because it reminds just how precious people are and just how quickly things and people can go. March reminds me not to take things for granted. March reminds me to always cherish the special moments in my life. March reminds me of all the amazing people in my life. March reminds me I have an amazing family. My parents, my brothers, my sister in laws, my nieces and nephews are awesome and we were meant to be together in this life. They each play a huge part in my life. March reminds me to strive to live a life that will have a memorable legacy.



Gaining Perspective On Life

This week has been an interesting one to say the least. Usually when one perspective of life hits you hard you have another perspective to buoy you up but ohhhhh not so this week. As previously mentioned in my last blog last Sunday was not an easy day. Then during the week I was thrown under the bus for following thru with an assignment given to me. Just as I was recovering from this situation I was thrown under the bus yet again. This time I was accused of intentionally causing malice to others. I was reprimanded for assumptions on the other person's part. They "assumed" I did certain things or meant certain things or said certain things and they "assumed" all these things were directed to them. This was not the case and it was very hard to sit there and listen to these accusations be thrown at me. Needless to say by the time this week came to an end I was ready to throw in the towel. I was ready to give it all up because it is so not worth it to me to have to deal with stuff like this.

Yesterday when I woke up I realized I still needed to plan my lesson for church today. I had been thinking about it for weeks and had originally came up with a topic but after the week I had I didn't think it was the best to teach this lesson. I prayed and the original thought came back into my mind and I thought NO!!!!!! I can't do it! I seriously don't think I can do this! But the thought wouldn't leave my mind and I knew I had to study it out and come up with a lesson!

The Topic: Forgiving Others

NO JOKE!!!! I thought really???? This is SO not funny! I was not in the mind to do it. I think part of it is because when we are wronged by others the natural man steps in and we want them to feel the pain they caused us to feel. We want karma to come and we want it to come in full vengeance. That is definitely not the Christ-like feeling or way to act but it just doesn't seem fair that others can treat us certain ways and then go on their merry way and we have to pick up our hurt selves and move on with life.

I studied so many different perspectives yesterday, I gained some insights from my amazing father to study and then my amazing mother and I had a conversation that brought about another perspective. So we had a discussion in class today how to develop the qualities we need to freely forgive those who hurt us and bring us down.

I brought a frozen turkey yes a frozen turkey to church and I had them imagine it was 20 lbs. It was only 9 lbs and asked them how they would feel if the 20 lb turkey had hit them in the face as they were driving down the freeway going 75 mph and how they would feel if their face had to be reconstructed and then I asked them how they would feel if the person who threw that at them did it after stealing a credit card and bought it on a thoughtless shopping spree? We discussed various feelings of hurt anger and frustration. I then continued the story I was sharing how the lady that this actually happened to freely forgave her assailant. She was more concerned with them then with herself. I kept thinking how???? I was still feeling so hurt from my week.

We brought up other scenarios as well where assailants were forgiven so easily. Thru our discussion it was concluded that in order to be able to forgive others freely we need to show love and compassion for those who harm us, we need to step back and view how Christ would view and we need to look at the eternal perspective of the situation. Easy? NO!!!! But I also know deep down this is the best thing to do. We need to have faith in God and trust in his word and have a desire to follow his example.

I studied that forgiveness is not always instantaneous and I learned that every trial and experience you have to pass through is necessary for your salvation. Then I learned: If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being. That forgiveness is a liberating gift that people can give to themselves.

Then I was taught in my studies further about the atonement and learned: It is not easy to let go and empty our hearts of festering resentment. The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through his Atonement, but this can come only as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, or revenge. For all of us who forgive the Atonement brings a measure of peace and comfort. 

Lastly I was was taught: We are not perfect. The people around us are not perfect. People do things to annoy, disappoint, and anger. In this mortal life it will always be that way. Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances. Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things.

Then tonight I was listening to a talk and I learned from that, that it is better not to shrink then to survive. That we need to live with focused faith and be in complete accordance to the will of the Lord. I learned that I need to live a life of learning, living, and becoming.

I will be honest, forgiveness is not easy and I admire those who freely forgive. The earlier offenses of the week were easier to forgive as I worked through them this week and came to terms with it and looked at the eternal perspective as it was mentioned in class today. The accusations that occurred later in the week are a harder to swallow and move forward because they were extremely hurtful and I don't appreciate the way I was attacked. But I know more for my eternal progression I need to not let others hurtful comments stop me from progressing. I need to move forward with the example of Christ in my heart. I need to move forward with a continual prayer that I might view the eternal perspective as well. I need live with my life only in the accordance to the will of the Lord. I need to live knowing I am stronger and better then the circumstances that are thrown at me and attempt to bring me down. 

I write these words out so I can put into practice what I was taught this weekend. So I can live how my Savior would have me live. Even tho its hard and the natural man wants to scream "knock it to them" "have the hurt returned to them" deep down what I really want is to be able to forgive freely. I want to forgive instantaneously. The other way is not the way to live and in the end it only hurts me because others move on and don't even think twice how deeply they hurt you. From here on out when figuratively "frozen turkeys" are thrown at my face I will follow the examples I learned about this weekend and not let it keep me down.