Difference

All day I have been in one of those exhausted modes but I can't sleep and I think I am a little dehydrated but not enough energy to do more than sit on my butt and stare at the ceiling. I keep reviewing the days event and the moments that led up to this and decide to share the journey.

 A few years ago I decided I was going to start running. My older brother picked up running to help him through his divorce and a year later I ended up nursing a heart break that I didn't know could hurt as bad as it did. I had invested four years of my life into something that not only backfired in my face but slapped me right on the ground to pain I don't ever want to experience again. I was in a bad shape and had hit a low that took A LONG TIME to recover from. I had seen my brother run a race and decided my goal would be to go back home and run that same race a year later.

 My sister in law was at my side the entire time and coached me while my older brother documented the experience. There were times she had me run and there were times she had me walk. Through both I was able to not only accomplish my goal but beat the time I had set for myself. I had signed up for the race with another person and when we finished and people would congratulate me she would pipe up and say, I ran the whole race. I ran the whole way and I didn't walk once.

 By this time I had already undergone two feet surgeries so I thought it was just great I had made it through the finish line. But little did I know those words would come to haunt me. After those comments I started to value my worth on ONLY if I ran. For awhile it was a motivation and with time I was running non stop through 5K's and then through 10K's and even though I was not the fastest I thought it is okay, I ran and with time I will get faster. And with time I did start to get faster. Then I tore all the ligaments in my right ankle and then I endured another foot surgery. This resulted in 3 foot surgeries in 2 years. Ever since the last surgery my running ability has declined tremendously. I can still run but I can not get back up to the speed I was at. With every move my body hurts worse.

 Last fall my older brother talked me into signing up for a full marathon that will take place in 7 weeks from today. I have been training and even though I am getting the distances in and I am running I am running so SLOW. Because of this I have beat myself up emotionally over this and have begun to think I am of no value because I am not fast and at times I don't run the entire time because I have achy feet or charlie horses or pains in my back. I keep at it though because despite the pain I don't want to let my brother down and I want us both to be able to accomplish hard things. But my emotional state turns into a self defeating turmoil. I will hear how fast people are running or I will hear comments that I could run faster if I really wanted to and each time I sink into deeper despair. There were always people who keep cheering me on through my self destruct but I was struggling to snap out of it.

At times I would actually voice my frustration and I would say, When I run I am running the fastest I can. At times my arches are literally on fire. Charlie horses are like a knife being taken to the back of your leg. At times my back hurts so bad it takes my breath away. I was not born a runner. I have never ran but despite my limitations I am doing the best I can. I know exercise is good for me and I know I will get through this race but man it is hard at times. Then there are times I run and no aches and pains ever.

 I knew a good way to test myself and to see where I was for the full marathon was to sign up for a half marathon. But because of my negative thoughts I have been really SCARED for this day. I am not going to be any good. It is going to take a long time. I am not going to be like the other runners. blah blah blah. Well last week I went to visit my parents after not being home for a few months and I was able to have some awesome conversations with my mom. We discussed my involvement with my church youth girls and how much I love serving in this capacity. Then we talked about my job and school and some major decisions I have to make. Both conversations went well so the next time we were able to talk I voiced my emotions and how much I was beating myself up. My mom can be competitive at some things so I didn't know what I would expect from her. What followed was a moment that changed my life.

She gave me the neatest and best pep talk ever. She reminded me of my worth and that the only competition was against myself. She told me I know my limitations and why beat myself up to fit into a running mold that I may never be in because of my limitations. She encouraged me to do my best, challenge myself by going the distances with the half and the full marathon but it doesn't matter what others think or how others do but how I succeed with what I have before me. After talking to my mom it was like this burden was lifted off my shoulders and I was actually excited for today.

 So here is the run down of the day:

48 hours prior 

all the music was erased from my Ipod and thanks to Facebook friends I was able to download enough of their suggestions to make it through the race. Whenever a song came on they suggested I dedicated that portion of the race to them because they inspired me. 

 24 hours prior

I bought awesome new shoe laces and socks and picked up my packet. By 845 pm I had everything packed and laid out so I could be up by 330 am to get ready. I was in bed by 9 pm and tossed and turned all night long and finally the alarm went off. I dressed, grabbed my items and was out the door by 415 am. 

 445 am 

the bus started the longest ride (my co-worker warned me of this) up the canyon and to distract myself I struck up a conversation with the girl next to me. I never got her name but she became my buddy until the race began. 

 515am 

we arrived at the top of the canyon and it was cold. I ate my breakfast and drank my water and tried not to freak out. 

 6 am 

I walked about 400 yards further to the porta pottys but realized everyone else had the same idea. After the longest line I was feeling much better and headed back down to the welcoming tent. 

 625 am 

realized I needed to use the restroom again but also knew the race would start in 5 minutes. I thought maybe it is nerves and it will go away. 

 630 am 

the race began and I thought oh crap I am running a 1/2 marathon today. 

 Mile 1 

I REALLY needed to use the bathroom and thought someone said there would be one at mile 2 

 Mile 2.......

And no bathrooms and I thought there is no way I can do this. Ran a little bit longer than paused ran up the side of the mountain popped a squat and was quickly on my way again. I never thought having to learn the art of popping a squat hiking with my brothers would come in handy. 

 Mile 4 

I thought wow what a beautiful canyon and I am all alone 

 Mile 5 

Started to get passed by an old woman and she was OLD. I said do you like to run a lot and she said of yes. I said this is my first and she said the beauty of the first is that you never get that back. I said how long have you been running and she said I started 15 years ago and this is my 94th race! And I thought seriously Sarah this is enough to stop you from beating yourself up. She said the older I get though the slower I get. I said I feel that some days and she said dear it doesn't matter how you cross the finishing line just as long as you finish upright. Probably best comment EVER :) I soon passed her and continued on my way. Passed a few more people. 

 Mile 6 

Looked down and realized that if I was just doing a 10K I would have set a PR for myself today. This boosted my spirits and away I went. We turned on to the actual canyon trail and encountered some crazy steep hills. I wondered if I was going to make it to the top of them. Along the trail I passed a few more people 

 Mile 8 

My hands were so swollen (new thing the past 2 weeks) that I couldn't close them. 

 Mile 9 

It was hot and I could feel my body wanting to be done 

 Mile 10 

I cursed my brother for wanting to do a marathon and thought dang that is far and if I was running it now I wouldn't even be half way lol   

Mile 11 

The volunteer looks at me and says only 2 more miles its easy. If I wasn't beginning to feel delirious I might have thought he was. 

 Mile 12 

I almost kissed that mile marker and began to pick up speed and then the pains began in the back of BOTH legs 

 12.80 

I saw the High School insight and thought I had never been so happy to see that school 

 12.90 

Turned the corner and two amazing friends were there to cheer me on despite the fact I came in WAY later than we estimated. They cheered and ran beside me 

 13.1 

I crossed through the finish line and have never felt more exhausted, relieved, and excited all at once. I did it!!! I just completed a 1/2 marathon. I pushed my body as hard as I could, challenged myself a little, but knew my limits and did the best I could. I did this race for me and man did it feel great 

 Highlights of the day: 

still laughing over the fact I popped a squat during a race

met an amazing lady with a great perspective

accomplished a goal I had and I did it Sarah style. :) 

Today was an amazing day and it gave me a glimpse of what the marathon will be like. I want to do some things a little different and now I have 7 weeks to prepare. How will it all be accomplished??? I am not sure quite yet but I know it will be in a way that pushes me but in a way I know I can do it. One thing I do know though is on August 30th 2014 I will proudly start a 26.2 mile race and at some point I will proudly cross the finish line of that race claim my participant medal and know despite my limitations I didn't back down and pushed through accomplished the goal and I will have done it for me, just like today. 

Thank you Hobble Canyon for giving me 13.1 miles to experience life through a whole different view :)