WARNING: PROCEEDING WITH CAUTION!!!!!!!

In life is there such thing as being to cautious? Can it hinder our progression? I have always been a person who is cautious about a lot of things in life. I also have a very imaginative imagination therefore I foresee what could happen and of course I see the worst thing that could happen. When I was younger I would some times find myself angry with myself because I couldn't bring myself to do the daring things that my brothers would do. They seemed so fearless and therefore in my eyes the coolest guys around and I was just their dumb scaredy cat sister who wouldn't allow herself to do anything. My conscience in a lot of ways would take over than I would imagine the worst possible outcome and I would be paralyzed with fear.

As I got older I think I gained a little bit more confidence in myself and courage to be a little bit braver. I came out of my shell a little more and convinced myself that I could do some of the things I was terrified of. A lot of it was from the encouragement I had at my side. I remember when I was a youth my older brother and his friend (who I was majorly crushing on at the time) offered to take all of us girls repelling. I was so stoked to go while all the other girls thought it was dumb. I talked it up for weeks, getting all the girls excited then the moment arrived. I was up at the top of the rock with my brother's friend all harnessed and ready to go and I froze. I was paralyzed by fright and thought there is no way I could do this. Even though there were other girls ready to go, he sat by me forever coaxing me and encouraging me to do it. He slowly convinced me to turn around with the sincerest statement that he had me securely locked into the rope and to just look up in his eyes the whole time and that I would make it down the mountain. Of course I was later teased that it only took me looking dreamily into his eyes that got me down since I was crushing on him so much lol But it was more than that. My mom stood at the bottom through the entire process cheering me on and telling me to do it. She never once moved from her spot. She cheered me the whole way down the rock and being the wise mother that she is as soon as I was down and even though I was shaking she made me get right back up there and go down again. She knew I needed to do it twice to prove to myself that I could repel down the mountain.

Through out life I got braver and braver in certain areas and kept branching out of my little shell. But as I also got older I experienced another thing: PAIN!!! And by pain, I mean pain of all kinds. A few years ago one day my big toe of all things randomly started to hurt. I didn't think much about it until fall rolled around and I was limping pretty bad and finally decided to have it checked out. This finally proceeded in having 3 foot surgeries in 2 years. However, when I had that first foot surgery I woke up from the surgery and I wasn't numb like I should have been. That first step down was the worst most excruciating pain that I have EVER experienced. I have never in my life felt pain like that before. (Thankfully the next 2 surgeries were better) But because of that experience I am somewhat paralyzed by fear and extremely cautious because I don't want to have that pain again. I still to this day can't bring myself to jump off the back of a truck. I have to sit down and scoot myself until I touch the ground. When I participated in the dirty dash last year and everyone jumped off the bales of hay I cautiously scooted down. In January I took the youth ice skating and I was surprised how cautious I was about moving around and worried I would trip and hurt my foot. Everyone else assumed I was scared of ice skating but little did they know, I use to ice skate all the time when I was younger. This week a friend of mine asked me to go hiking with her and another one of her friends and we hiked straight up the water over slick rocks to get to the waterfall. The end result was beautiful and breath taking. They moved up there so fast but to my surprise I was SO cautious and it took me a lot longer to get up there and to get back down. The whole time I had a fear of slipping on the wet rocks and hurting my feet and experiencing that pain again. I felt so bad that they had to wait on me at the top and at the bottom but I could not get my body to move any faster than it was.

Not only have a experienced physical pain but over the years I have experienced emotional pain as well. With that pain sadly comes the lack of trust. Lack of trust in myself and lack of trust in others. It is easier to stick to what is familiar rather than the fear of pain and mistrust again right? This is something that I struggle with so much and hope to one day master overcoming. Developing not only trust but faith in the assured knowledge that all will be alright in the end. This weekend I was with youth again and I asked them to take on a very daunting task. Thinking back on it, I wonder how I would have done in their situation and my heart swells in pride for each of them. I asked them each to be blindfolded and they were blindly led up a mountain side and then back down. This was not a clear smooth path. There were twigs and logs and branches in the way. Some of the time there was a rope if they trusted the person guiding them to hold on to it. Of course there was also someone telling them to go in a different direction as well. I know how cautious I am walking up and down things not blindfolded that could have potentially hurt my feet and for them to surrender to complete trust in someone else was amazing and they taught me so much by watching them.

So this morning as I ponder fear and being cautious vs being fearless and having complete trust I wonder where is the happy medium of having faith and trust knowing all will work out and distinguishing between our conscience guiding us and not hindering us from progressing.

I ponder: Where is my confidence that I can accomplish good things? Where is my confidence in knowing that I will be led down the correct path for myself and that as I pray to a loving Heavenly Father that he won't leave me stranded but that he will let me know what is right and wrong? Where is my faith that not every guy I will meet will break my heart? Where is the faith that people I meet will not always take advantage of my friendship for their gain then ditch me when I no longer am of service towards them? Where is my faith that I won't always be the "go to girl" to those individuals who are struggling in their own relationships and when they finally figure things out and they leave me in the dust? Where is my ability to simply trust again? Where is my ability to see beyond physical and emotional pain and recognize there is good amongst it all and that there won't always be disappointments?

The thing that comes to my mind the most is Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lead not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he will direct thy path" This I believe to be so true. I also know its something I need to more conientously focus on in my life. I know as I learn to trust and believe more in faith and develop courage to move forward to take steps in the dark at times that my trust and faith will trump some of these fears. I know pain is necessary but I know that pain is also temporary as well. I will develop the assurdity that I can trust again in the unknown. That my heart won't always get broken, that I won't always be taken advantage of for others gains, that I can have the confidence in myself to do what I want and what the Lord knows is right for me. And in the end I won't be always proceeding with caution but eventually I can say WARNING: PROCEEDING WITH FAITH AND TRUST IN ALL THINGS! :)